In the season 2 finale of Scream Queens, “Drain the Swamp,” Dr. Cassidy Cascade has a change of heart which puts him at odds with Nurse Hoffel, Dr. Brock pops the question, Chanel #5 tries to save Dean Munsch’s life and the Green Meanie finally gets a shot at killing the Chanels.
The Green Meanie was supposedly killed, but that hasn’t stopped Nurse Hoffel from donning the costume and making yet another attempt on Chanel #1’s life. Her weapon of choice is an automated baseball machine, but Chanel manages to get away, causing Hoffel to believe that the Chanels’ stupidity and narcissism has created some sort of protective force field around the trio. Or it could be that peanut oil baths and ball throwers aren’t the most efficient ways to murder someone.
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One Pissed Off Meanie and a Diabolical Plan
Nurse Hoffel wants to step up her game, but Cassidy is done. He’s ready to retire the green suit, stand up to his mom — kill her if necessary — and live happily ever after with #3. Hoffel doesn’t take this news well and warns Cassidy that if he isn’t part of the solution, he’s part of the problem.
In spite of his multiple attempts to kill her, Chanel #1 hasn’t given up on her romance with Dr. Brock. But Hester has been cooking up a plan involving the handsome doctor. She wants Brock to marry the terminally-ill Dean Munsch so he will be the custodian of her trust when she dies. Then he and Hester can steal the money, run off together and settle down on a beach in Mexico, just like at the end of Shawshank Redemption. Brock isn’t big on the Mexico idea (he’s not a fan of fixing up old boats), so Hester pitches him a different scenario. They’ll retire to Blood Island, where they’ll lure in tourists, hunt them down and kill them. He promises to give her idea some thought.
Chanel #1 reveals to #3 and #5 that she went through Brock’s phone while he was sleeping and discovered that he had been Googling cheap engagement rings. She’s convinced that the handsome physician is about to pop the question. However, her hopes are quickly dashed when Brock proposes to Dean Munsch instead.
A sobbing Chanel seeks refuge in the locker room, where Dr. Brock finds her and apologizes for not giving her a heads-up about proposing to Chanel’s mortal enemy. He reassures Chanel that marrying Dean Munsch is a completely altruistic act, a sort of romantic hospice. Since Chanel’s romantic social media footprint is so important to her, Brock promises to meet up with her three times a day to take selfies for her to post. He reassures #1 that they are still a real couple and that maybe after Dean Munsch dies, he’ll rip that engagement ring off her cold finger and slip it onto Chanel’s.
Kuru, Kiss, Kill
Cassidy and #3 have dinner with Jane, and Cassidy breaks the news to his mother that he doesn’t want to kill anymore. Since everyone believes Wes was the Green Meanie, as long as nobody else gets murdered, #3 tells Jane that she and Cassidy will have gotten away with murder. But Jane will not stop until the hospital is shut down. She warns them not to get in her way and disowns Cassidy.
Cassidy is determined to stand by his decision, but he tells #3 that they have a bigger problem — Nurse Hoffel. He reveals that Hoffel is the other Green Meanie, and he thinks she’s got something big planned.
Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy (not really) officiates the quickie wedding between Brock and Dean Munsch. The two take some quality time to snuggle together in Munsch’s hospital bed but are interrupted by Chanel #5, who has some interesting news. She’s been looking over Dean Munsch’s file and doesn’t believe she has Kuru after all. The only way to know for sure is to test a piece of the Dean’s brain. Chanel #5 suggests they perform a craniotomy while the Dean is awake so they can ask her questions and make sure they don’t damage any parts of Munsch’s brain that she actually needs.
Hester doesn’t want Brock to perform the procedure in case it turns out that Dean Munsch can be cured. Brock assures her that they are going to find out Munsch is still dying. They’ll cry, maybe pound it out some and, in a few weeks, she’ll be dead. But Hester wants Brock to botch the surgery and take Munsch out right away. Hester is growing impatient. She’s eager to be sitting on a beach, sipping a fruity drink and hunting down tourists within a week.
Brock isn’t about to sully his reputation, but Hester isn’t about to go back to prison. She orders Brock to kill Munsch or else. Her threat doesn’t go into specifics; she pretty much leaves it at “or else.”
Hester isn’t the only one who wants Dean Munsch dead. Chanel #1 has devised her own plan to kill Munsch. She confides in the other Chanels that she plans to throw a scalding hot pumpkin spice latte onto the Dean’s brain during the surgery. Chanel #5 points out that Chanel’s plan is inherently flawed. The worst the coffee will do is burn a little bit of tissue that will quickly heal. Dean Munsch won’t even feel it. Chanel #5 questions why #1 has to kill Munsch when she’s probably dying anyway. And #1 makes it clear that she doesn’t just want Munsch to die; she wants to be the one to kill her arch nemesis. So that latte plan is a go.
Nurse Hoffel does have a big plan in the works. It turns out the contents of the swamp are highly flammable, so she begins draining it into barrels in the basement. Obviously, the psychotic, vindictive, drug-addicted nurse plans to blow C.U.R.E. sky-high. In the midst of her scheming, she gets a call from Jane, who indicates that she’d like to partner up, but Hoffel isn’t interested.
Jane is still holding Zayday prisoner, and Jane confides in Zayday that she feels she’s failed as a mother. Zayday points out that Cassidy’s decision to not kill people is actually the right one, so Jane had to have done something right. Zayday tells Jane that as long as she’s focused on revenge, she can never truly grieve her husband. Zayday offers to show Jane the hospital, the one that Cassidy helped to build, the one that actually heals people.
Brock and Cassidy begin the procedure as the Chanels stand by. Chanel tosses the cup of coffee, but her timing is off and Nurse Hoffel winds up covered in the delicious seasonal beverage. Chanel is dragged from the room, and Dean Munsch survives the procedure.
Chanel #5 announces that they found no evidence of Kuru, which just means the test was inconclusive, and it’s still very likely that Munsch has Kuru. She did look up all of the Dean’s symptoms, and there is one other possible alternative — extreme dehydration. Munsch reveals that the only liquids she ingests are scotch and vodka, neat. She’s managed to not ingest any form of water in years.
Dean Munsch also learns that she didn’t ingest human brains. She ate lamb brains instead. This piece of news confirms that she’s going to be just fine.
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Denise Hemphill Saves the Day
Nurse Hoffel invites the Chanels, Dean Munsch, Dr. Brock and Dr. Cassidy down to the basement to celebrate. She reveals that she’s the Green Meanie and that Cassidy is the baby in the belly. Holding them all at gunpoint, Nurse Hoffel also announces that her real name is Bean. This fails to ring a bell with the Chanels, who have to be reminded of the unfortunate face-in-the-fryer incident. Hoffel promises that they will all pay, and Cassidy will take the fall.
What Hoffel doesn’t expect is the arrival of Jane and Zayday. After touring the hospital, Jane has come to see the error of her ways. Hoffel shoots Jane in the chest, and Zayday is forced to drag her body into a giant cage that Hoffel has constructed for her captives.
Hoffel reveals that she’s constructed a huge bomb and proclaims her only regret is not being able to see Chanel’s face when she dies.
But all hope isn’t lost. Denise Hemphill has awakened, having been healed by her time in the cryochamber. Denise is eager to find out everything she’s missed, especially how Hillary is working out. (Ouch, it still hurts.)
Chanel #1 points out the bomb, asking Denise to hurry and diffuse it. The only problem is it looks pretty complicated, and Denise Hemphill didn’t get that training at Quantico. On the upside, she did see it in an episode of the TV show Quantico. Just as Denise is about the pull the wire that could either stop the bomb or blow them all to bits, the biggest secret of all is revealed: Chanel #5 does have teeth in her vagina.
Denise successfully stops the bomb, and everybody takes off after Nurse Hoffel. She throws a machete at #3, but Cassidy throws himself in the line of fire. Dr. Brock points out to a dying Cassidy that he could have just pushed #3 out of the way, but #3 says this was Cassidy’s way of redeeming himself for killing all those people.
The chase continues, and Nurse Hoffel runs into quicksand. She begs for someone to throw her a rope, and Chanel #1 take the opportunity to point out that in her experience, serial killers are never adequately punished by the law. Dean Munsch suggests they take a vote, and everyone votes in favor of Nurse Hoffel dying a terrible swamp death. At the last minute, Dean Munsch has a change of heart and tries to rescue Hoffel with a branch, but it breaks and the nurse quickly sinks.
And They All Lived…
With the hospital no longer being terrorized by serial killers, Chanel #5 finds her niche. She’s kind of a genius and has a knack for medicine, though she remains single and annoying. Dean Munsch is no longer at C.U.R.E., making #5 and Zayday the top dogs.
Hester cleans out Dean Munsch’s bank accounts and runs off to Blood Island with Dr. Brock.
Dean Munsch sells the C.U.R.E. Institute and moves to Aspen to become a sex therapist.
And as for Chanel #1, she becomes a TV doctor because she gets what she deserves, and she deserves everything she gets. Chanel #3 is the executive producer of Chanel’s show, Lovin’ the C.
But as well all know, there’s really no such thing as a happy ending in the horror genre, especially not when there’s sequel potential. Which is why a rich, successful and conscience-free Chanel Oberlin encounters the Red Devil in the back of her car in the final moments of the season 2 finale.
Will Chanel survive and live to star in season 3? Will #5 get those vagina teeth pulled? Will #3 ever stop wearing earmuffs? Let us know what you think in the comments section below.
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(Image courtesy of FOX)