Last time we saw the Housewives, they attended a disastrous Solstice party. Now, the aftermath. Kathy and Caroline, because they have little else to discuss, tell their husbands about it in the privacy of their own camera-filled cars. In an interview, Caroline calls Melissa, “a younger, better version of [Teresa,] and that’s the problem.” In the Wakile car, Rich suggests Kathy drop Teresa, who continues to be in denial about any of her problems. Albert, Caroline’s husband, says he wants to be Switzerland, because when it comes to drama Switzerland don’t give a f**k.

Rich, somewhat wisely, compares Teresa to arm cancer or something. Basically an arm, like family, is close, but when you get cancer in your arm you cut it off (is that what you have to do? Cut the whole arm off? I hope I never get arm cancer). Basically, even though she’s family and Kathy wants to make peace, Teresa should be cut off.

The party of this episode is an end-of-school pool party that, of course, everyone who might cause a scene is invited to. But let’s take a break from the cars for this week’s Juicy moment. Juicy Joe is in the garage, hitting the bag and kicking at it, grunting. He takes a break to “take a huge dumper,” which he informs Teresa of before going about his business. He is a charmer.

“I should have worked out with you, I needed to get some FRUSTRATION OUT!” Teresa squeals, and proceeds to give Juicy Joe a full reenactment of her version of the “Solsist” party. Meanwhile, Melissa throws the ol’ pigskin back and forth with her husband, Joe, and tells him about the party. Teresa claims that Melissa stomped her foot and demanded an apology, and Juicy, not caring about any of this, writes Melissa off as a gold digger and a tramp. Teresa keeps talking, though, and the defense she’s working on is still that she doesn’t run back to her husband and tell him everything.  Not like she’s doing now, she wouldn’t do that.

Melissa minimizes her version, and agrees with Joe to move on. Across town, Teresa continues to complain as Joe does some kind of workout that involves spinning a wheel? Is that a workout or a child’s toy? Either way, his spinning around in circles helps him to give Teresa the advice that she doesn’t need anybody, and that her family is all a bunch of ugly jerks. What a great guy.

Teresa visits Jacqueline to work out together, but Jacqueline starts things with, “we need to talk.” Like about how you keep going on her dramatic errands? Jacqueline complains of being put in uncomfortable positions, and being asked to take sides. Teresa claims it’s not the same, but it’s exactly the same as the situation between Jacqueline and her sister-in-law Dina.

The trainer arrives just in time. She has the girls start working out, then takes a sip of wine. Then Teresa takes a phone call, so it’s time to hit the bottle again. What a delightful mess. I wish my personal trainer was drunk! I wish I had a personal trainer … but a drunk one.

Chris and Albie buy a Jaguar: an interlude. The boys wanted to buy a Jaguar, Lauren is awkward, Caroline disapproves. Surprise! The car is an anniversary present for Caroline. She drives away in it.

Kathy’s end-of-the-school-year party is a dud. None of her kids’ friends “were available,” but in actuality, Rich told Victoria and Joseph not to invite anybody because he knew Teresa was coming. Kathy is pissed that everyone bailed on the party because she made macaroni salad and now it will go to waste on the Gorgas and the Giudices.

The Gorgas show up, then the Giudices and they try to play nice and tolerate each other. For the children.

Caroline and Albert go to their old apartment and reminisce about all the times that baby Albie peed in their faces.

At the pool party, Rich suggests that Joe and Teresa go to therapy, which he rejects. Old school Italians do not go to therapy. He wants to fix things, though, so he calls Teresa over to talk. Teresa won’t say anything to Joe anymore, though, because he told his wife something awful she told him “in confidence.” The denial of blame there is just insane. Joe tells her to go home, sleep on it, and think if she wants to have a relationship with her brother. She claims he is not the same guy he used to be before he got married. But isn’t the real problem Juicy Joe? No one’s going to realize that, I think.

“I don’t need anybody,” Teresa tells Joe, having taken a long sip of the Juicy Joe Kool-Aid. Joe asks her to accept, every once in a while, that she is wrong. Teresa says she wasn’t wrong about anything, then goes on the offense. Joe keeps saying “alls I want,” and in an interview, “alls I want is for my kids to feel loved by their aunt … but that’s a long-shot.” That’s alls he wants, Teresa! Can’t you do that?

Teresa writes Joe off as “the meanest brother ever,” to which he counters, “I’m an angel from God.” He brought up her husband, then told her to “get the hell outta here.” The conversation did not end well. Teresa left, perhaps making things worse.

Next week, things are getting crazy with Gia at Field Day.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).