If it seems like it has been forever since your last dose of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, it’s because it basically has been! But don’t worry, Bravo is more than making up for that fact with a two-hour long new episode. Oh wait, it’s not really two hours, it’s just one hour of RHOBH and then it sneaks into Vanderpump Rules when it thinks you’re not paying attention. I see what you did there, Bravo. And it’s not going to work on me…

We start this long-awaited return right where we left it, at Kyle’s horrible dinner party where the troll of a woman Faye Resnick picked a fight with Brandi. And I know you’re new to my recaps and everything but I just want to come clean right now as being Team Anyone Except The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick. Man it’s good to get that off my chest.

Anyway after Brandi leaves the party she breaks down in tears. And Kyle actually decides to be a decent person (with prompting, of course from Lisa) and attempt to console Brandi before she leaves. But poor Brandi is so distraught not even the comical sight of Kyle’s sparkly jump suit can cheer her up.

The next day Taylor makes a meal for herself in a juicer that somewhat resembles actual food before a clairvoyant/medium comes to cleanse her house. What is it with these rich people and mediums? Does being grounded and believing in logic only come to us commoners? I must say though, Taylor’s reactions to this kooky medium, who was legitimately acting like she was climaxing every time she made a “reading,” was the most amusing I have ever seen Taylor when she wasn’t pouring wine down that massive gullet of hers.

Kyle and new “friend of the housewives” and adorable human (then again, maybe I just love her because she tweeted at me) being Marisa Zanuck do some Yoga and talk about how immature and annoying all of their friends are. Kyle says she doesn’t think Brandi is really sorry, and while Faye may have been rude, she thinks she was pretty much right.

Adrienne finally decides it’s time to appear in another episode and her anger with Brandi seems to be subsiding to make room for her anger at her future ex-husband. Her and Dr. Paul are even more bickery than usual, and it just doesn’t have the same charm that it used to now that we know that in their future they will divorce and she will accuse him of abusing her. Moving on…

Brandi and Lisa meet to go shopping and it becomes clear once and for all that Brandi is as anti-bra as she is anti-Adrienne. Lisa wants Brandi to meet with the waitress for works for her at SUR who also slept with Brandi’s husband, Scheana Marie, who Brandi claims is a “star-f***er.” Of course this would never happen in real life because there is absolutely no reason for it, but this is reality TV, not reality. They talk about some other stuff too, but it’s hard to tell you what about because Brandi’s blurry boobs are so distracting.

Brandi visits the Goddess Grammer at her villa where she gets some advice about being divorced but still maintaining a healthy dose of fabulousity. All hail Queen Camille.

Then we are forced to hear some backwards nonsense about how a 50s wife should act from Yolanda between commercials. She always has dinner on the table for her growing husband and tells her daughter to focus on her modeling instead of volleyball because being a model is feminine and playing sports is masculine. Did I accidently change the station to Mad Men during the commercial break?

I was hoping a little Kim Richards would snap me out of this absurd funk, but alas, there was no elder Richards in this episode. Kyle did find time to passive aggressively smack talk her at a dinner with the Vanderpumps and Taylor though, so there’s that.

Then for some reason (I’m not saying it was contractually obligated, but it was probably contractually obligated) Brandi agrees to a sit down with She-Ra, Lisa’s home wrecking employee and coincidental star of Vanderpump Rules. Is this actually a Brandi spin-off in disguise because she has been in a lot of this episode.

Scheana just wants to tell Brandi that like, she’s like, really sorry for like, sleeping with her husband. Brandi, as usual, comes out on top of this argument, telling Skeeve-a that she is not the only woman her husband slept with.

And then Bravo plays it’s sneaky-sneaky trick on us by splicing the end of RHOBH with the beginning of Vanderpump Rules, but I saw right through you! Now maybe if you included Giggy in this little segue, it would have been a different story…

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(Image courtesy of Bravo)

Gina Pusateri

Contributing Writer, BuddyTV