Previously on One Tree Hill: Julian left, Nick Lachey wouldn’t stay out of it, an NBA scout checked out Nathan, Skills got to first base with Miss Lauren and Lucas agreed to have a quickie wedding with Peyton in case she dies during childbirth.
It’s wedding day! Lucas isn’t so freaked out because Haley did the marriage and pregnancy before graduation instead of after, so this should be a piece of cake. The minister drops out, but luckily Lucas can ordain Haley on his cell phone in 30 seconds.
Brooke helps Peyton get ready, which brings on the water works. Peyton makes Brooke promise that she’ll take care of Lucas if anything happens to her. Wow, last week Peyton told her unborn baby to take care of Lucas and now she wants Brooke to do it. Peyton must think that Lucas is just one tragedy away from a total psychotic breakdown.
Brooke then drops off a Hugo Boss tuxedo for Lucas, and Lucas has something for her – a date. He brings out Julian and Brooke is happy until she learns that Julian brought a plus one in the form of Missy, the actress who was cast as Brooke Davis in An Unkindness of Ravens.
She goes straight for Peyton to rant and rave about the whore who stole her man. The other women think she’s talking about Peyton and Lucas, and when she reveals the truth about Julian’s surprise visit, Peyton and Haley couldn’t care less.
Nathan gets bad news on this happy day when he gets a call saying Nino was recruited by the scout and he was passed over.
Chase and Mia share some cute wedding banter about how good he looks in a suit and the possibility of them having slutty wedding day sex. I’m thinking about starting a petition to make Chase and Mia the new leads of One Tree Hill next season. Would anyone else support that?
Since Jamie was kidnaped by a crazy nanny the last time Lucas got married, Skills is extra cautious, hooking the kid up to a leash. Mouth, who was given the role of videographer so he’d have something to do, thinks Skills and Miss Lauren are preparing for some slutty wedding sex of their own.
Is slutty wedding sex a real thing, because if so, I need to start going to more weddings. Proving that Jamie is the smartest character on this show, he gives Skills the slip by attaching the leash to a nearby dog.
It’s wedding time! Rather than give Lucas any advice, Nathan just asks Lucas to remember whatever he said before his wedding to Lindsey. Things also go bad as Nathan hits on the minister and the maid of honor calls a woman in the audience a skank.
Haley’s ministering skills suck as she makes a bad joke about Peyton being knocked up before following Peyton’s advice and using song lyrics to fill in the gaps, saying that “every rose has its thorn” and “every cowboy sings a sad, sad song.” Peyton is mortified that Poison lyrics are being used in her wedding ceremony.
Haley pulls it together by taking out an old note Lucas wrote that said “Peyton Sawyer will be Peyton Scott” back when they were kids. They give their vows and cry and Haley pronounces them man and wife.
After the wedding, Brooke goes straight to the recording studio to recruit Nick Lachey as her date to the reception. At the reception, Lucas tries to get Julian to admit he only brought Movie Brooke to make Real Brooke jealous. Speaking of jealousy, Brooke shows up with Nick Lachey on her arm, and in keeping with the rules of Tree Hill, Nick Lachey introduces himself using his full name.
Movie Brooke is super excited to see Nick Lachey and certain that he and the real Brooke will have slutty wedding sex. Julian doesn’t care about some reject from Dancing with the Stars. Movie Brooke knows that it was Nick Lachey’s little brother Drew was on DWTS, so Julian figures Nick must be the guy from the MTV reality show Laguna Beach. In a brilliant in-joke, Chase (played by Laguna Beach‘s Stephen Colletti) walks by and says “No, that was some other tool.”
At their table, Movie Brooke talks Nick Lachey’s ear off about how much she loved his brother on DWTS. Julian returns after hanging out with his friends, his group of guys, his band of boys, or his boy band, as it were. Oh yes, he’s going there. Julian then thinks it’s getting hot, almost 98 degrees.
And then we cut to Julian holding a bag of ice to his bruised head. Guys in Tree Hill love punching him, and the saddest part is that Julian was actually a fan of 98 Degrees.
Mia gets to perform a special song she wrote just for the bride, and even though the doctors said she shouldn’t, Peyton forces Lucas to dance with her or else she’ll go ask Julian. They’re soon followed by all the other couples: Nathan and Haley, Mouth and Millie, Skills and Miss Lauren, Brooke and Nick Lachey and Julian and Movie Brooke.
Haley gets an itch and pulls Nathan into the women’s bathroom for…SLUTTY WEDDING SEX! Congratulations to everyone who had Nathan and Haley in their slutty wedding sex pool. There’s some mildly slutty behavior outside as Brooke and Julian make out with their respective dates to make each other jealous.
After Nick Lachey’s role is done, he takes off, fully aware that he was being used for the sake of jealousy. However, before taking off, Nick Lachey also points out that Julian is obviously still into Brooke. It’s true, because Julian comes up and asks Brooke to either dance with him or tell him she loves him.
That night, Julian gets drunk and visits Clothes Over Bros to find Brooke. Instead, he meets Victoria, and using his own parentla issues, he tells her that he’s in love with Brooke Davis, and when she finally comes around, Victoria will have two choices: be nicer to her daughter or never see her again. Who would’ve guessed at the start of this season that Julian would be so awesome.
Jamie is having problems with Skills and Miss Lauren’s relatioship, but Skills talks him out of it. Before leaving, Miss Lauren suggests she and Skills take Jamie’s leash for some slutty wedding sex of their own. That is one nasty elementary school teacher. Equally nasty are Nick Lachey and Movie Brooke who have slutty wedding sex of their own, only she’s fantasizing about Drew and he’s fantasizing about the real Brooke.
The evening concludes with Lucas taking Peyton back to their place, decorated in candles and flowers. He goes outside to prep the newly renovated Comet, but inside, Peyton starts bleeding and when Lucas returns, she’s unconscious.
Next week on the season finale of One Tree Hill: Will Peyton live or die?