I hope your vaccinations are all up to date, because we’re taking another trip into the exotic world of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. It’s a lot like an African safari, except without the charm of ferocious wild animals and the constant fear of being taken hostage by a warlord. At least in that case, there’s a chance Blackwater will come in and save you, whereas anyone who gets caught up in the Kardashian riptide gets pulled into the ocean never to be seen again.
Rarely seen brother Robert Kardashian is playing gin rummy with his sisters, and they’re interested in his dating life. Kim Kardashian wants to set him up on a date, so she asks her make-up artist, who is good friends with a Playmate of the Year, and the blind date is sealed. While preparing for his date, the family decides to wax their brothers chest. Sister Khloe Kardashian says it’s not too bad, as she frequently waxes her vagina. They pin him down, shirtless, on the kitchen counter and proceed to wax.
Despite Robert’s pleading, the brood of sisters stalk him to ruin the date. Kim and Kompany watch from afar, then call him to mess things up. They’re so fixated on watching the date that two of the sisters bump heads. Watch out, those heads are hollow and fragile! Robert finally catches his sisters spying on his date, and it throws what little game he had off.
Khloe is driving and notices a homeless man hanging out in her town, which she notes is bad for business. He’s there day after day, and while taking out the trash, Khloe “comes across” him sitting next to the dumpster. This is so contrived I’m embarrassed for everyone involved in the production for setting this up. Khloe has a “run-in” with the homeless man, named Shorty, and politely asks him to move. He obliges and drops his sweater, so she runs after and returns it to him. Khloe and Kourtney call up their mom to figure out what to do, and she says maybe it’s not all about the Kardashians, and they should help him out. They offer to take him in their car to get showered and cleaned up.
TIME OUT! Is this even a good thing? I’m all for helping the homeless, but is taking them home really the best idea? For all they know, he could be a serial killer, and they just invite him into their home? Also, assuming Shorty isn’t an actor planted to create a story for Keeping Up with the Kardashians, what happens to him after this. He goes back to the streets and the Kardashians never think twice about him? It’s sad that, when the Kardashians try to do something good, they wind up doing the most morally repugnant thing yet on this show by patronizing a complex subject like homelessness with a completely ineffective non-solution.
At home, they use Kris’ bathroom and give Shorty a shower with a loofah and then a shave and a hair cut (two bits!). They raid papa Bruce Jenner’s closet to give Shorty a new outfit. They notice Shorty’s mouth is a mess, so they offer to take him to the dentist. Bruce gets home with Kendall and Kylie, and Bruce is as polite as anyone can possibly be given this situation. Bruce takes Khloe aside and explains that this is a bad thing. Also, Khloe would love to take Shorty to the dentist, but she, Kim and Kourtney have a photo shoot, so she blackmails Bruce into taking him. So helping the homeless is important, but not more important than a photo shoot.
Preparing for the photo shoot, Kim is incredulous about the homeless man. Bruce calls up Khloe and asks what to do with Shorty when they’re done. She suggests a hotel. Robert walks into the photo shoot and bashes his sisters for ruining his date.
The next morning, Khloe and Kourtney pick up Shorty from the hotel and take him to a shelter. In the car ride, Shorty puts his arm around Kourtney, and the girls patronize him about missing him and all that crap. The girls all think they’ve done a great humanitarian thing, giving this homeless man a taste of the good life before dropping him off at the shelter where his homeless life with return to normal. In the Kardashian Kitchen, Kris and Robert catch a bird and release it. Is the show trying to compare homeless men to birds?
The family gathers to pat themselves on the back about what great people they are. Sadly, there’s no epilogue telling us what happened to Shorty after they left him.
Next week on the Keeping Up with the Kardashians season finale: The past catches up to Kim as she starts crying over something, and the FBI is called in. I guess the War on Terror is officially over, since the FBi can take time out of its busy schedule to protect Kim Kardashian.
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of E!)