In this segment, I read what Brad Womack and Chris Harrison write in their post-show Bachelor blogs, and tell you what I think they’re really saying. Or what they’re really not saying.

This week, Chris and Brad give us the inside scoop on the hometown dates. But when you imagine a scoop of Chris and Brad’s insight and wisdom, what do you see? Is it as big as an ice cream cone? Or is it a tiny little pile of dust that you scooped off a windowsill with a thimble? Because when I say “scoop,” I mean that second one.

Let’s start with Chris. Hi, Chris. I’m not in the mood to hear your opinions, nor do I anticipate that you will tell me anything worth knowing. Maybe I’m just in a grumpy mood after Shawntel repeatedly reminded me of my own mortality, but let’s see if you can prove me wrong, Chris!

“We started in Seattle with Chantal. Brad had never been to Seattle so what was the first thing he wanted to do? Yes, stop at a Starbucks for a cup of coffee, because as you know Seattle is the only place in the country to get Starbucks. The irony of this trip was that it’s rained on us everywhere we’ve been but the weather in Seattle where it always rains was beautiful.”

Chris, I know you’re just trying to bait me into getting all riled up about your dumb views on sarcasm and irony and Seattle, because I live here, and I majored in sarcasm with a minor in irony, but NO. NOT TODAY, SIR. Just get to the juicy stuff and leave the jokey sarcasm to the professionals (me and Michelle).

“Brad really seems comfortable and to fit in with Chantal’s family. They seemed all but ready to have a wedding on the spot.”

That sounds like a normal view to have about the marriage of your daughter to a man you just met!

“Brad helped Ashley’s stepdad boil the lobsters. The family messed with Brad for just a bit and made him put on a lobster bib before letting him in on the joke and allowing him take it off.”

Why does the good stuff (liberal definition for “good” here) never make it to air? And a ten minute conversation between you and Brad rehashing all the stuff we’ve JUST SEEN makes it to air instead? I just don’t get it, Chris. Help me understand.

“Then there was the hometown trip of death, literally.”

That “literally” is about as necessary as you are, Chris.

“But there is something about Brad and Emily’s relationship that’s almost awkward. The part where Brad told Emily he wasn’t going to kiss her out of respect for her and her daughter cracked me up. That was spoken like a guy who doesn’t have kids. I loved Emily’s reaction where she said if this works out she’ll be upstairs sleeping every night!  Brad is trying so hard to do the right thing here — it’s very sweet but quite entertaining to watch.”

Translation: Brad is an inexperienced idiot when it comes to all things children, akin to Arnold Schwarzenegger in the beginning of the film Kindergarten Cop, but less funny and more frustrating.

Well, you did not prove me wrong, Chris. Your blog was essentially pointless this week, with a couple bad jokes thrown in for good (bad) measure. Now, let’s see what Brad has to say about his four hometown dates:

“One thing I’d like to point out – it seemed as if this go-around I wasn’t met with any skepticism. During my last experience on The Bachelor, I felt like I had to convince some of the family members that it was a very real experience and that love is possible, even in such a unique situation. This time, all of the families seemed to accept that and not question it at all.”

That just doesn’t make sense. It seems like the families of the women on your second time around as The Bachelor would be even more skeptical of you, especially after you (and most of the Bachelors before you) have proven that love is, if not impossible, insanely unlikely in this, as you call it, “unique situation.” I do not have an explanation for this. But I do find it fishy.

“Laying down on the embalming table is something I won’t quickly forget. I hope it made her realize I was willing to do literally anything to show her I admire and respect her career!”

“… And that’s about when I decided to dump her.”

“I played a short game of football with Chantal O.’s family (her father just happens to be an ex-pro football player) and performed terribly. I dropped quite a few passes in front of the man. I think guys can empathize with me here – I was completely and utterly mortified and embarrassed.”

Funny how “completely and utterly mortified and embarrassed” is how you should feel about everything else you’ve been doing and saying (like trying to find a wife on TV!), and yet a little game of football brings out your shame. Oh, did I say “funny”? I mean stupid.

“Last but definitely not least, I was humbled and honored to get the chance to meet Emily’s daughter, Little Ricki.”

Stop calling her that.

“I can’t explain to all of you how important getting to meet the families is during this experience. It gives the person a true perspective on how everyday life will be with the “chosen one” – a much-needed perspective in a sometimes-cloudy experience.”

One of my favorite things is when someone says “I can’t explain” and then goes on to attempt to explain. (Favorite ways to get annoyed, that is!) Also: “chosen one.” Really, Brad? “Chosen one“? REALLY, BRAD?

“It’s no secret that I’m brand new to a lot of this.”

… said the only man to be The Bachelor twice.

“These next episodes get really, really good so be prepared to have a lot of fun while watching!”

Hahahahaha. Hahaha. Hah. Hooookay. Thanks for the tip, Brad. We wouldn’t want anyone passing out from unexpectedly having too much fun watching this show.

Brad picked his final three ladies. Now take our poll and say who you think should be his “chosen one”!

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(Image courtesy of ABC)

Meghan Carlson

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

Meghan hails from Walla Walla, WA, the proud home of the world’s best sweet onions and Adam West, the original Batman. An avid grammarian and over-analyzer, you can usually find her thinking too hard about plot devices in favorites like The OfficeIt’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and How I Met Your Mother. In her spare time, Meghan enjoys drawing, shopping, trying to be funny (and often failing), and not understanding the whole Twilight thing. She’s got a BA in English and Studio Art from Whitman College, which makes her a professional arguer, daydreamer, and doodler.