This week on the 100th episode of Gossip Girl, Blair’s wedding nearly gets ruined 50 times, but instead of seeing this as a message from new BFF God that she should cease and desist, she goes through with the royal nuptials anyway. This, of course, after basically every character on the show tells her what a terrible idea it is to marry someone as completely devoid of personality as Louis just to save Chuck from starring in the next Final Destination film.

Best Quotes from the Episode

Blair Waldorf, being Blair Waldorf, stubbornly sticks to her guns in order to save Chuck from getting struck down by lightning or killed in a freak bow-tie accident or something. If you were wondering if the pact with God storyline made any more sense with time, it doesn’t. Her brilliant plan to save Chuck and become a princess backfires on her because even though Louis has no personality, it doesn’t also mean he has no self-respect.

For their last dance, he informs her that he went through with the wedding merely to keep up appearances and that he expects her to just smile and nod until he eventually decides to divorce her. It’s the fairytale wedding all little girls dream about!

Despite how ridiculous it was seeing character after character after character try to save Blair from her own stupid decisions, Gossip Girl really knows how to do big events. After 100 episodes, the show understood that it needed to go big to top off the royal wedding storyline. So the wedding, and attendant quest to stop it, was as big, dramatic and heartfelt as Gossip Girl at its best.

Serena offered to drive Blair’s getaway car, Chuck confessed his love and made us tear up, Eleanor was awesome, Georgina Sparks was insane and Dan was a judgmental, loyal overgrown poodle. In the midst of all the action, Rufus, Lily and Nate did what they do best in times of crisis: look pretty.

Gossip Girl is a big, ridiculous show very close to my heart and its 100th episode didn’t disappoint, even if I thought they botched the landing a bit. Also, how about Georgina Sparks as a possible Gossip Girl? You have to hand it to them, the show can still pull out those OMG moments.

My Wedding With Marilyn

Not many people would cast themselves as Marilyn Monroe, covered in diamonds and surrounded by swooning admirers, in a dream about her fears of losing the man of her dreams. But that’s just because not many people can be Serena van der Woodsen. It’s a real testament to Serena, that even at her most vulnerable her nightmares include a musical number and a harem of men.

The musical number in question, by the way, was tonally very odd. I’m guessing Blake Lively can’t sing, but even pulling out the auto-tune like she was a minor character on Glee would have felt less odd than having her lip-sync.

Serena’s big issue, besides trying to get her best friend to realize she’s about to make a huge mistake, is that she’s realizing she still has feelings for Dan. Why? I’m not sure, since I can’t remember Dan being even momentarily nice to her all season. But considering Dan spent most of the first season telling Serena how she was a much better person because she was dating him, I’m guessing condescension is what she’s into.

Dan finds out that Serena has roped him into fake dating her longer and wants to know what’s up with that. He picks the perfect time to discuss it too, as they’re walking down the aisle in Blair’s wedding. Later, after Nate talks about grand gestures, Serena comes clean to Dan. “I love you Dan Humphrey. Always have, always will,” she tells him, before asking him to think about what she said.

Meanwhile, Nate is having a crisis of his own. Basically, Nate’s crisis is the same as every sad single girl in every romantic comedy about weddings. Nate is totally bugging out about how he doesn’t have a date to the wedding like he’s a sad Katherine Heigl character. 27 Tuxedos would be the name of Nate’s romantic comedy.

Before Nate can get drunk and sing karaoke with James Marsden, he bumps into a pretty caterer who has worked some of his parties before. They do a whole back and forth about how he doesn’t remember her, which she finds charming, not knowing that Nate can barely remember how to tie his shoes. The big news here is that said cute caterer is most likely the real Charlie Rhodes.

Holy Georgina Sparks!

Just as Gossip Girl was beginning to run low on seriously scary villains, out of the woodwork pops Georgina Sparks like a crazy phoenix rising from the ashes in Brooklyn to reclaim her crown of insanity. Georgina is amazing in this episode; you can’t even take your eyes off her because she’s so great in every scene. Even better is that her husband just follows her around like a trained labradoodle, holding the video camera as she plots to seduce Louis. Also, in a sea of stupid hats this episode, Georgina’s hat wins the award for most out-of-control bonkers crazy. Her hat is so incredible; it looks like all her evil is shooting out the top of her head.

After Operation: Seduction fails due to the boredom-trained eagle eyes of Rufus, Georgina falls back on Plan Z at this point, which is just to hide in a closet. Thankfully for her, the episode tag-team relay of people trying to get Blair to call off the wedding begins in earnest. After seeing Blair freak out, Carrie Bradshaw-style, over her tight wedding dress, Eleanor is concerned. You see, Eleanor remembers being that nervous on her first wedding day, when she married a gay man. Eleanor doesn’t want Blair to make the same mistake as she did, so she goes out and finds Blair’s true love.

Chuck Bass is pretending this is just a normal day by doing what he usually does: lounging on his couch drinking with Monkey and making fun of Dan Humphrey. After Eleanor takes a swing of Chuck’s scotch, she leads him right to the church to talk to Blair. You know what they say, Blair, mother knows best.

Don’t Marry Him

Chuck and Blair have a very sweet, sad, heart-to-heart conversation. “It should be us up there and you know it,” Chuck says. Everyone on this show (short of Louis and Dan) cheer in agreement. Even Blair agrees when she tells him she loves him and will always love him, but she can’t be with him. As soon as Blair leaves, Georgina Sparks emerges from the closet like Voldemort once you say his name. Only way scarier. She trained her camera on the “I love you” action and hands it off to Chuck to bring down the wedding.

Next, it’s Serena’s turn to try to talk some sense into Blair. Both girls look so totally beautiful if you pretend like you can’t see what’s happening on top of their heads. Serena’s hair is up in this sort of Marge Simpson beehive, except that there’s a ponytail coming out the back like a redneck rattail.

Meanwhile, Blair looks absolutely stunning with her makeup and her dress, until you look at the ratty, barely-brushed looking hair cascading down onto her dress. Blair’s hair is a clear cry for help. “Everything you’ve gone through keeps leading you back to each other,” Serena says of Blair and Chuck, but Blair shuts it down and heads for the aisle.

In a last ditch attempt to stop the madness, Serena confides the pact with God to Chuck. “Please, what have I ever done to you people?” God asks the writers of Gossip Girl while they cackle and put Georgina in a priest’s robes.

As the wedding rolls along, Chuck appears dramatically in the doorway and Blair stares at him. Before he can even decide to do anything, though, the video of Blair’s love confession goes out on Gossip Girl and starts playing on all the guest’s phones. I’m sorry. Who would answer their phone and play a video during a ROYAL WEDDING? Wait to watch your Gossip Girl blasts and piano cats until after the ceremony. Could you imagine what Queen Elizabeth would have done to someone watching Double Rainbow during Will and Kate’s I do’s?

Chuck and Blair talk again, with Chuck explaining that he knows about her pact with God and thinks it’s just as stupid as the audience does. Blair explains to him that she understands how medicine works because her prayer brought him back from the dead. And if she breaks her promise, Chuck will turn into a zombie and start feasting on the brains of everyone she loves. That last part wasn’t in the episode, but it would make for a really excellent back half of the season. The Walking Dead: Upper East Siders. Call me, AMC!

Blair goes through with her wedding anyway because the combined powers of her mother, Chuck, Georgina Sparks, Serena and Gossip Girl herself were certainly not going to convince her not to marry this lisping guy she barely likes. But guess what? Louis is finally sick of Blair. He married her to keep up appearances, nothing more. What about those beautiful vows, though? Oh, Dan wrote those for Louis because of reasons that the show never properly explained! Check and mate, Louis.

Blair puts in a panicked SOS call to who we think is Chuck but is actually Dan driving the honeymoon car as a getaway vehicle instead. Chuck returns to apologize, since everyone thinks he sent the blast in because blaming Chuck is totally in this season. But Blair is already a runaway bride.

And what about Georgina Sparks? Well, she’s typing an article into Gossip Girl. Does that mean that Georgina is the big GG herself? I guess we’ll have to wait and find out. We know we love her.

What did you think of Gossip Girl‘s big 100th episode? Were you glad it was Dan in the getaway car or hoping for a reunion with Chuck? And what about poor Serena? Sound off in the comments!

Best Tweets About the Episode

Morgan Glennon
Contributing Writer

(Image courtesy of The CW)

Morgan Glennon

Contributing Writer, BuddyTV