Spotted last week on Gossip Girl: Dan (Penn Badgely) frets about incest, leaving Serena (Blake Lively) in the dark; Blair (Leighton Meester) pulls Chuck (Ed Westwick) off the ledge (literally and figuratively) after Bart’s death; Rufus (Matthew Settle) and Lily (Kelly Rutherford) go to Boston to find the son Rufus never knew he had; and Little J (Taylor Momsen) shows she’s not so little anymore when she gives the Girls of the Steps a taste of their own malicious medicine.
This week, Gossip Girl begins with Chuck as GG reminds us that for some Upper East Siders, death has a silver lining… or a gold one, in this case. Chuck is poised to be Bass the Billionaire before he hits 18. Jack and Blair are making their way to the reading of Bart’s will when they run into each other outside—Chuck asked Blair to come “for support.” (Aww…) A not-so-cryptic conversation between Blair and Jack reveals, once again, that something lecherous happened between them on New Year’s. Jack toys with her, asking her out, threatening to tell Chuck, and being generally creepy. Blair maintains her cool and says that “it” meant nothing. Chuck and Nate (who’s also there for support) break up their argument, and Jack says how excited he is to soon be running Bass Industries. All four go inside to hear Bart’s last wishes.
Meanwhile, out in Brooklyn, Jenny talks at Dan about how she thinks Rufus and Lily are on a romantic getaway (to Boston?), and maybe even in love. Dan says he knows otherwise, but Jenny shrugs him off.
The reading of the will commences. Chuck, Uncle Jack, and Lily’s lawyer await the results. First, we find out that Jack is now Chuck’s legal guardian. Chuck’s fine with this, as long as there’s no curfew and Jack lets girls sleep over. Second, we find out that Chuck will have access to his ridiculously large inheritance when he hits 18. Third, 49% of the company belongs partly to Lily, and partly to the board—leaving 51% for the new head of the company. Bart’s lawyer hands a letter to Chuck. Chuck refuses to read it and walks out, but not before Blair can snatch it out of Jack’s hand and read to young Bass that he’s the new CEO of Bass Industries. Chuck was expecting insults from beyond the grave—but instead got something far worse: a burden. Chuck scoffs and offers the job to Jack, who all too happily accepts.
Eric and Serena walk to school and talk about their boy problems. Eric complains about Jenny’s third-wheeldom when he wants alone-time with Jonathan. Serena thinks Dan is avoiding her because he is being paranoid about Rufus and Lily being back together. Eric walks up on Jenny and Jonathan making gag-me movie marathon plans, and Jenny invites Eric as an afterthought. As Jenny giggles and squeals that Eric and Jonathan have the same backpack, Eric looks ready to use his as a smothering device.
Serena catches up to Dan in the courtyard, and tells Dan she knows he is avoiding her because he believes Rufus and Lily are back together. But of course we all know it’s because he’s busy drawing their family tree and debating whether he can justify some branch-to-branch contact. While acting weird, he denies acting weird. Serena reminds us that Lily has hooked up with every rich dude in Western civilization, including Nicolas Sarkozy. Dan unconvincingly promises that things are good between them, they share an asexual peck.
Dan calls Rufus, who tells him that Lily will tell Serena and Eric about their half-brother when they return from Boston. Penelope, Isabel, and Nelly overhear Dan telling Rufus that he doesn’t like lying to Serena–but not about what. Penelope says they need to tell Serena; Nelly says they don’t know enough and at the very most should tell Blair. P reminds Nelly that she’s on probation, and says they’re on their own since Blair is always with Chuck. She gets out her phone. Uh-oh.
Blair catches Chuck on his way out the door and convinces him to consider running Bass Industries. Bart believed, and Blair believes, that he is up to the challenge. Start by reading the rest of letter, she tells him.
Meanwhile at Constance, all the buzzing and beeping can mean only one thing: there’s a rumor on Gossip Girl that Dan is cheating on Serena. GG name-drops Georgina Sparks, and asks for help tracking down the juicy details.
Chuck goes to Jack’s office to tell him he’s reconsidered, and wants to take the CEO position. “I owe you my life,” Chuck tells Jack, but this is something he needs to do. Jack reminds us that he’s not a fit legal guardian when he reminds his nephew that it was Chuck who saved him from almost taking home a tranny. Eww. They get into a fight, Chuck insisiting that he’s ready to head the company. Chuck offers him a job in New York, and Jack walks out.
Later, Jack calls Blair to apologize for his actions, and says he wants to make it right by throwing Chuck a party. Blair says she’s not interested in helping, because Chuck already knows that he has her support. Jack makes a convincing sob story about wanting to do something nice to make up for his bad reaction that morning. And he wants it to be a surprise party. Blair, unable to resist the party-planning temptation, offers to organize a brunch the next morning at The Palace.
In Boston, with the adoption agency’s help, Rufus and Lily have tracked down the adoptive parents of their son, but the closed adoption means that they can’t contact him directly. The best the agency can do is to ask the adoptive parents to meet Rufus and Lily. Rufus says to go for it, Lily hesitantly agrees, and they wait for a phone call.
Blair is doing a bad job convincing Serena that she and Chuck are just friends when they see the Lonely Boy rumor on Gossip Girl. Blair doesn’t believe it: Who would want him? Serena figures out that the Headbands are at fault for the lie, and tells Blair to keep her minions in check.
Vanessa and Dan are in a candy store. As Dan confides in V about the half-brother saga, Nelly Yuki walks in, but instead of sweets, she grabs an opportunity, stealing Dan’s phone, which he’s laid aside carelessly while he confesses (Serves him right. Who really does that in New York?) Smiling like Charlie in the chocolate factory, but instead of a golden ticket, Nelly’s found her golden opportunity to get back on Penelope’s good side.
Vanessa tells Dan to stop avoiding Serena before he ruins their relationship. A few New York mini-plastics drop into the candy store (just to look?) and scold Dan for cheating on Serena. Vanessa is happy that they know her name. As she should be.
Jack wants to congratulate Chuck on being head of Bass Industries by taking him out for a night on the town. Chuck resists, saying he has dinner plans with Blair. Jack opens the door to three escort-looking hot ladies in fur coats, telling Chuck he doesn’t want to entertain his guests by himself. Chuck’s smirk reveals that he may have been persuaded to reschedule with Blair after all. What’s it going to be, Chuck? Gossip Girl asks. Business and Blair, or cocktails and coquettes? Chuck chooses to ask Blair for a rain check.
Serena goes to Vanessa to find out what Dan’s hiding–but Vanessa won’t talk. Vanessa says, whatever it is, Dan will tell her, because he’s not one for secrets. Serena says she used to think that, but now she’s not so sure… when does this couple not have trust issues?
Feeling guilty for lying to Serena, Vanessa sends Dan’s phone a (very detailed) text saying that he needs to tell Serena about their brother. Penelope reads the message, and with their brainpowers combined, the Headbands are able to piece together what “your brother” means.
The next day, Lily and Rufus are waiting around for adoptive parents to call them back. Rufus gets the call from the agency, telling them that the parents don’t want to meet, now or ever.
It’s time for Chuck’s brunch, and members of the Bass Industries board are there to meet their new CEO. Serena asks about the canceled “date,” but Blair maintains that she and Chuck are still just friends. Jenny and Dan show up, Dan limping from the dinosaur of a cell phone he’s using now that his is “lost,” and Lonely Boy enthusiastically greets his girlfriend.
Jack walks in without Chuck, saying the new head is hard at work upstairs. Penelope wants Blair’s permission to release the dirt she has on Dan, and without finding out what, Blair consents just to get Penelope off her back. Jack asks B to show a few board members upstairs to meet Chuck.
Jenny and Eric bicker like the siblings they don’t know that they sort of are. Eric says he wants alone-time with his boyfriend. J calls him conceited. E calls her annoying. GG blast-time again: this time, everyone at the brunch checks their phones, including Jenny, Eric, and Serena. Gossip Girl reports that Serena and Lonely Boy share a sibling. (Finally! I was so ready for this secret to come out.) Serena storms out, shamed and confused. Blair and the Bass board members walk in on Chuck, two topless women, and enough pills on his desk to tranquilize a rhino. Oops! You know what they say about first impressions…
Chuck comes downstairs, tucking in his shirt. Blair confronts him about his lies, and he tells her to stop playing the wife. Dan catches up to Serena and explains why he lied, saying that he couldn’t bear to be around her if he couldn’t be honest. Serena needs time to process this alone.
Back in Boston, Rufus wants to wait, hoping the parents will change their minds. Lily wants to go back to New York. She doesn’t want another minute trapped with Rufus, scared that he’s going to hate her… when she’s still in love with him. They kiss. The mood changes from anger to arousal. [Commercial break for explicit content] Rufus and Lily got it on! Now they’re lying in bed, talking about the golden days of rock ‘n’ roll (yes, again). By the way, Rufus shirtless? Not bad. Rufus gets a call from the adoptive father, saying he wants to meet them without his wife’s consent.
Chuck confronts Jack about the Brunch-fiasco. Jack admits that he was bitter about being stuck in Australia, and resented Bart for the same reasons Chuck did. And now, he has his vengeance: Chuck violated the morality clause in his contract. Jack already talked to the board, and he’s in charge now.
Rufus and Lily meet with the adoptive father, who tells them that Andrew (their son) died in a sailing accident 1 year ago. It was too painful for his wife to tell them. Lily asks if the boy was happy, and the father says the boy always had a smile on his face.
Dan goes to see Vanessa, and Nate is there waiting for her so they can go out for their anniversary. Nate commiserates with Dan: he knows it sucks to have the painful details of your personal life blasted all over the island, but you find out who your real friends are. Turns out he’s talking about Dan, and Nate apologizes about the whole Jenny thing. The bros make amends.
Chuck shows up to B’s with flowers, but it’s too late for him. Chuck is the only one who didn’t’ believe in himself. Blair only wanted to be there, but when he called her his wife, he made it sound like the ugliest word in the world. “I’m done,” she tells him, throwing the flowers back into the elevator.
Serena and Eric go to Dan and Jenny’s. Serena and Dan decide that they love each other enough to make it work. If Paul Rudd and Alicia Silverstone could do the romantic-step-siblings thing in Clueless, then they can, too! Lily and Rufus walk into the apartment, holding hands, to see their four children acting like a happy little family.
And oh yeah: afraid they’d use their money and influence for evil, the adoptive parents lied to Rufus and Lily. The kid’s not dead.