What kind of woman could possibly find Flavor Flav attractive? Tonight’s Flavor of Love 3 casting special promises to answer that question. In an opening montage, we see a middle school teacher, a girl with jewels in her teeth, a chick in a teddy who enjoys bouncing up and down, and a girl who goes to Bible study.
Flavor Flav sent producers along with Charm School winner Saaphyri (pronounced “Safari”)to five major U.S. cities for open casting calls. Flavor Flav is still a fan of Viking helmets, giant clocks and laughing like Ernie from Sesame Street. After failing the first two times with Hoopz and Deelishis, this time around, producers will pick 15 girls while viewers chose the other five based on online submissions.
In Washington D.C., the highlight is an incomprehensible woman who rambles about 37 goats and shooting deer in the head. Even Flavor Flav doesn’t know what she’s sating, so you know it’s bad. Then there’s the woman who looks like Gwen Stefani’s older, uglier, Jewish cousin. She also has a clock around her neck, but it appears to be a bedside table alarm clock still in the packaging so she can return it to the store.
That kind of thriftiness carries over into Chicago, wear a girl in some Daisy Dukes does a booty dance, but the producers see the price tag is still attached. The crazy parade continues with a catatonic woman in a wedding dress and a giantess who claims to speak Flavor Flav’s secret language because she knows they connect on a spiritual level. I can’t tell, but she’s either implying that they’re both Scientologists, or she too used to do crack. We also see a woman whose ass is out (meaning her pants slip because of all that junk in her trunk) and a bleach-blond, overly-tanned white chick who appears to give an audition to do voiceover for porno films.
We get to see some of the online submissions that didn’t make it, and one features a very overweight white “woman” dancing and jiggling while being doused with a hose. Imagine the Chris Farley Chippendales sketch from Saturday Night Live, only not funny.
Saaphyri seeks advice for Flavor Flav from some of the Detroit locals. One man warns him to avoid Dinobots, which are big girls who transform into vending machines. I have no idea what the hell that means, but I do love the Dinobots. Oddly enough, the casting directors in Detroit are funnier than the ladies, cracking wise with the dullards and pretending to be Simon Cowell to the ladies who sing.
On the application, where it asks for the girl’s weight, one applicant wrote “Sexy.” She’s a big girl, and Flavor Flav fears for his life if she rolls over in bed. We also meet a “tanorexic” Kansas girl, who probably has a few melanomas due to her 45-minute tanning booth sessions.
The crazy white girls are out in full effect in St. Louis. One is a bull rider/bounty hunter. The casting guy makes a joke about her auditioning for the WWF, and I must point out that the popular wrestling organization changed its name to the WWE a long time ago. Get with the times, loser! Another long-legged white girl is asked to tell a crazy story about herself. She says this past weekend she had a threesome…with two other girls!
Now onto the first three online finalists who won a spot on the show. First is Peachy Christa, who we will come to know as Peechee, the overweight white girl. That explains how she got on this show. Next is Laraina, who thanks the haters on the Internet who caused her fans to vote like crazy for her. Savanna is “coming in on third” as Flavor Flav says, and she’s duller than two boxes of rocks.
Finally we get to San Francisco, where Saaphyri is standing in front of the Full House house. Awesome. Flavor Flav is instantly drawn to the woman who knows how to fry a chicken. Less attractive is a woman who claims she charges men $12,000 to rub and soak their testicular region. We meet a phone sex operator who actually has a very sexy voice. It’s a shame it’s attached to her not so pleasant body.
The final two online finalists are up: Esperanza from Atlanta and Sexy Angie from Rhode Island. And now that the casting special is done, we get a sneak peek of Flavor of Love 3, which begins next Monday at 8pm on VH1.
There’s a lion and a helicopter! A trip to Paris and girls in bikinis jumping rope! Arsenio Hall hosting the Flavor of Love Dating Game! The girls doing a celebrity roast about each other! Crazy girl fights in which one chick calls another a Klingon! Then Flavor Flav’s plane explodes and he’s in a casket! Next week, let the carnage begin.
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of VH1)