Last week on Farmer Wants a Wife, Matt forced the final five girls to show off their special skills in a local talent show. There was hula hooping, terrible comedy, the Electric Slide, the worst rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” ever warbled by a sober person, and a group butchering of “Old McDonald” that made my ears bleed. As if that weren’t demeaning enough, the girls later had to participate in an elimination ceremony that involved shoving their hands up the rectums of pregnant cows. After that delightful task, Ashley was eliminated for being outspoken and off-putting.
Tonight, the remaining four contestants play nice in an attempt to impress Matt’s family. Can the city girls dazzle the country folk while facing tough questions, or will they crumble under the pressure?
As you may recall, last week I learned that a group of corporate nobodies named Font 48 are responsible for composing the Farmer Wants a Wife theme song. I was crushed by this anticlimactic reveal, and have since gained ten pounds from eating pint after pint of delicious Chubby Hubby ice cream. That may not be a very country way to deal with my pain, but I had to do something. The only other option was to drown my sorrows by looking for love in my own reality show. Hmm, Writer Wants a Wife does have a ring to it, doesn’t it? Remind me to call the CW right after this recap.
Matt decides to surprise the girls by bringing a little bit of city to the country. What could the surprise be? A stripper pole? Pollution? Panhandlers? No, it’s actually the best friends of all four girls. Matt figures that meeting their friends will help him get to know the ladies better, which is actually really helpful. For example, who knew Christa was so bitchy? She shows off her true colors by immediately pulling her friend aside and ranting about how much she hates Brooke.
Matt arrives a moment later and tells the contestants they’ll be cooking for 45 of his family members that night. I don’t think I’ve ever been around 45 of my family members at one time, but I guess that’s a normal occurrence for some people. After Farmer Butterface takes off, the girls start gabbing about who he likes the most. Amanda thinks she’s the one with that special farmland DNA.
There’s nothing like chewing the fat while you whip up stuffed peppers and fancy casseroles. Christa talks some more smack about Brooke while the meals cook, forcing her friend to assure her that Brooke doesn’t stand a chance. The girls start to get dressed after they finish up in the kitchen, but they’re shocked when a cavalcade of Matt’s family members show up at the door. It looks like this party’s getting started early.
Kanisha greets the guests while the other ladies doll themselves up to look like Scarlett O’Hara. Everyone gathers in the barn, and soon the food is being devoured while the final four try to impress Matt’s relatives. Brooke is naturally charming and bubbly, which earns her a cold stare of doom from Christa.
Everyone gets the chance to pull a question out of a hat and ask it to one of the four girls or their friends. When someone asks Amanda what Matt farms, she has to admit she doesn’t know. That’s a good question, because I have no idea either. When someone asks Christa’s guest why her best friend wants to date a farmer, she goes on a big shpiel about chivalry being dead and Matt being a diamond in the rough. It makes Christa sound a lot nicer than she actually is, so I guess her friend did a good job.
Kanisha asks Matt’s mom if she can see one of the girls being a farmer’s wife, and she says that she certainly can. Kanisha’s friend breaks down in tears after this admission, saying that she already feels a connection with the entire Neustadt family. Psst, someone tell Kanisha’s friend that she’s not competing on this show!
It may sound silly, but this episode is actually making me believe that these four girls want to marry Farmer Matt. As they say goodbye to their friends, many of them ask if Matt seems like a decent guy and if they’ll fit in well in Missouri. Instead of seeming like competitive beeyotches who just want to win a reality show, they come across like they’re actually looking for love. I’m suddenly feeling less cynical and slightly moved, but I’m sure it’ll pass like a kidney stone in a few minutes.
Matt arrives later and announces that he’s taking everyone fishing, which the ladies pretend to be excited about. Maybe they’ve never actually been fishing, because it’s really not that exciting. Amanda admits that she finds it boring and has to sing to herself to stay amused, but Christa livens things up by catching a catfish. Matt finds a girl who can catch a fish extremely sexy, so Christa gets a kiss for her efforts.
The ladies’ boat somehow springs a leak and starts sinking, which is Matt’s queue to rip his shirt off while the bow-chicka-wow-wow music blares on the soundtrack. The farmer saves the day, takes the girls back to dry land, and announces that there’s going to be an elimination in a few short hours. Let’s hope there are no cow rectums involved this time.
Matt meets with the ladies one by one to hear more about how much they love him. Kanisha says that her life has changed, Brooke flirts shamelessly, Christa suddenly has a nose ring (Was that always there?), and Amanda practically sings the Queer Eye theme by vaguely assuring him that things will just keep getting better. Little Amanda was looking like a front-runner a few weeks ago, but now I’m not so sure.
It’s elimination time, and this week’s ceremony is more dangerous than anything involving bingo or moonshine. The contestants each have to use a shotgun to shoot towers of cans away from targets, and the unlucky girl will find a goodbye message behind the clutter. After the bullets are fired, both Kanisha and Amanda learn that they’re going back to the city. Scandalous! Now that the competition is nearing an end, Matt wants to focus on the two people he likes the most.
Matt chooses both Brooke and Christa for his special date tonight. Wouldn’t it be wacky and topical if he chose to marry both of them? One of these competitive reality shows has to end in polygamy eventually. Farmer SuperAbs takes the girls out to the hot tub, which sounds more like the setup for a ménage à trois than a date, but whatever. Soon the ladies are feeding Matt cherries while they discuss how much they secretly hate each other. What a wonderful way to make the evening awkward.
Next week on the finale of Farmer Wants a Wife, the girls go hog wild attempting to win Matt’s heart. Who will be the lucky lady to walk down the aisle?
– Don Williams, BuddyTV Staff Writer
(Image courtesy of the CW)