If scores were the only indication of a couple’s relative safety on Dancing with the Stars, Nicole Scherzinger and Derek Hough would be sitting atop Mt. Olympus right now, bragging to Zeus himself about their unprecedented double tens during last night’s performance show.
But we all know that scores only go so far around here. Just like high school and politics, popularity is the name of the game, and in this game, being too perfect is just as much a danger as being as far from perfect as is humanly possible (a.k.a. Kate Gosselin’s jive last night).
In other words: I have no idea which of the season 10 stars will pack up his or her patent shoes and go home tonight, but we’re about to find out. After close to an hour of filler-tainment, of course.
If you’re here following along with me live (Hi! So glad you’re here! You’re the best!) here’s a comments question to ponder while we wait out the results: who deserves to go home tonight?
If you want my opinion (and if you’re here, you must) it’s hard to decide which was worse: Kate’s jive last night, or how she almost pushed lovable Tony Dovolani to the edge with her undermining attitude. It was all too painful to watch, and merits her elimination tonight more than any of the other celebs. But will she go home? Don’t count on it. Kate’s overwhelming ‘watercooler’ effect will keep her around, and one of the smaller-name stars will be sent packing. I think.
Time for RESULTS:
Buzz Aldrin and Ashly Costa are … SAFE.
And in the BOTTOM TWO are … Pamela Anderson and Damian Whitewood.
What the WHAT!
That is a crime, America. You better apologize to Pamela right now, and make it up to her next week if she makes it through the night (which she must). She was amazing last night!
Reliving Those Perfect Tens:
Nicole and Derek perform their near-perfect jive to “S.O.S.” once again, this time with Derek comforting poor Pamela, instead of flirting with her, at the beginning of the dance. It’s sharp and sexy, just like it was last night.
If these two aren’t safe, there’s just no hope for the rest of us.
Pro Dance Interlude to “Evacuate the Floor”
Choreographed by Travis Payne and Stacy Walker
This dance is HOT. But, then again, anything with an open-shirt Maksim is a goooood thing in my book.
Then Adam Corolla comes to visit to lampoon Buzz Aldrin’s many moonman shirts, Edyta’s daddy issues and Bruno’s sexuality.
But, more importantly, it’s time for …
Aiden Turner and Edyta Sliwinska are … SAFE! (Yay, Aiden! He lives to blog another day.)
As are Niecy Nash and Louis van Amstel! SAFE, that is.
Two of the lowest scoring couples right there, America, but also two of my favorites, so I’m not complaining. But we may have an upset on our hands.
Is it time for Nicole and Derek to step down from Mt. Olympus and start praying for their lives?
Beach Boys and … John Stamos?
Anything is possible on Dancing with the Stars.
This medley of their greatest hits, combined with everyone’s favorite part of Full House and the patriotic gyrations of the Dancing pros, may go down as the most potent blend of pop culture power in American history. (If most of the pros weren’t mostly from Australia and Russia, that is.)
The Len Commandments:
Len undermines his hard-earned dignity by donning a robe for a little blasphemous bit about his dancing rules.
I. Thou shalt not kill … time.
II. Thou shalt not take the judges’ name in vain.
III. Thou shalt not steal … dance moves.
IV. Thou shalt not interrupt me.
V. Thou shalt not do lifts.
VI. Thou shalt have rhinestones. Many rhinestones.
VII. Thou may honor the judges with gifts.
Then Len submits a challenge to the couples for next week:
The judges want each dance to tell a story. No need for frills and unnecessary add-ons, but they want to see characters and tales being told. (Are the judges purposefully trying to shoot Kate Gosselin in the foot? Maybe she and Tony can dance a story about a momzilla who learns how to treat people with respect.)
Evan Lysacek and Anna Trebunskaya are … SAFE.
Jake Pavelka and Chelsie Hightower are … SAFE.
Nicole Scherzinger and Derek Hough are … SAFE.
Which leaves Shannen, Kate, Chad and Erin still wondering where they stand.
Giving Hope to Haiti:
A group of Haiti’s most celebrated dancers perform to “Hips Don’t Lie” to give hope to their homeland after the nation’s devastating earthquake earlier this winter.
The people of Haiti still need our help. For more information about how you can contribute to the recovery efforts, visit www.abettercommunity.com and www.hopeforhaitinow.com.
Then it’s time for …
Get to Know Brooke Burke!
I didn’t learn much, except that she spends almost all day in hair and makeup and doesn’t have a teleprompter in the celebrequarium. (Just kidding, neither of those were shockers. At all.)
Erin Andrews and Maksim Chmerkovskiy are … SAFE.
Chad Ochocinco and Cheryl Burke are … SAFE.
Which leaves Kate and Shannen left for that final bottom two spot. Fingers crossed that it’s Kate!
Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for.
Well, no such luck. Kate and Tony are … SAFE.
Which puts Shannen and Mark in the bottom two with Pamela and Damian.
Shannen Doherty and Mark Ballas are … ELIMINATED.
Bummer, America! Bum. MER.
Then we find out that Mark Ballas hurt his knee yesterday, and he’ll be out for six weeks anyway. (Sorry, Mark!) So if Shannen had stayed, she would have been dancing with his dad, Corky Ballas. So Shannen is understandably sad, but calls it “fate” because she wouldn’t want to dance without Mark, anyway.
There you have it, folks. A bittersweet elimination episode to kick off Dancing with the Stars, but there are many more to come, along with much more dancing to behold.
Are you happy with tonight’s results, or at least consoled by Shannen’s bright attitude and the “fate” of her elimination the day after Mark’s knee injury? Your thoughts. In the comments. Now!
(Photos courtesy of ABC)