Oh, Big Brother, how I’ve missed you. It’s just not summer without this voyeuristic obsession, and after witnessing the God-awful ABC rip-off The Glass House, it’s good to have the original back.

'Big Brother 14' Premiere Recap: Welcome Back to the House

Big Brother 14 has 12 new houseguests, four returning players, and plenty of twists and turns along the way. And as always, the Chenbot is fully powered up and ready to lead us through the madness and I’m here to live-blog the whole thing. So let’s all pretend that there’s nothing happening in San Diego right now and instead devote our life to this equally massive experience.

I’ve really missed the Big Brother voiceover guy, especially because he over-pronounces “cam-er-a” the same way Jenna Maroney does on 30 Rock.

Right away we learn one of the newbies will be evicted TONIGHT! Ouch, that sucks for them. And the returning players are indeed serving as coaches who aren’t playing the actual game.

Meet the Newbies

Frank is trying really hard to get smart, although his ridiculous hair and leathery skin make him look 40 and not 28.

Danielle is a southern nurse.

Shane flips houses.

Jodi is athletic and recently married a man with five kids. Yikes.

Ian is a chemistry nerd. Sort of like Rachel Reilly, only he’s ACTUALLY smart.

Wil claims he looks like a “typical Southern gay” on the outside. Is that a thing?

JoJo is the kind of chick who has probably rejected The Situation in a club.

Willie is Russell Hantz‘s brother.

Kara is a model.

Joe is a chef.

Jenn is a tattooed lesbian Puerto Rican who was in an all-girl metal band,.

Ashley is a spray tan technician who claims she’s not a total airhead. I beg to disagree.

Enter the House

As always, there are a ton of screams. Wil thinks his hair, combined with Frank’s hair, will rule the game.

JoJo is tough as nails, but Ashley wants to turn her into a My Little Pony. Ashley is officially the worst.

Ian is a huge Survivor fan and is 99.9 percent sure Willie is related to Russell Hantz. Well, so much for keeping that a secret.

Danielle is the first person to lie about her job, claiming she’s a kindergarten teacher and not a nurse. I hate these stupid job lies that seem to be commonplace right away.

Joe thinks Wil is one of the prettiest chicks in the house.

Ashley is a total ditz, but she kind of has a crush on Ian, which makes me hate her slightly less. But Ian only has eyes for Kara, who he describes as the cutest girl ever.

And rounding out the instant ‘shipping, Danielle has her sights set on Shane.

The Returning Players Enter the Game

Big Brother 10 winner Dan Gheesling is now married, but still insanely adorable.

Big Brother 6 and 7 third-place finisher Janelle Pierzina is also married and a mom, describing herself as a Real Housewife of Minnesota.

Big Brother 12 fourth-place finisher Britney Haynes has ALSO gotten married since the game. I sense a pattern and she vows not to be so naive.

Big Brother All-Stars winner Mike “Boogie” Malin has become a dad since the game and he definitely thinks the social game is what matters the most.

The HGs are very relieved to learn the returning players are coaching them, not playing against them. Each coach picks three players and the coach whose player wins gets $100,000. OK, this is officially not a terrible twist because having people in the house who aren’t playing but who are invested in the outcome adds a whole new component.

Everybody loves Dan. Frank doesn’t want Britney because she’s a diva. Ian is intimidated by Mike Boogie, and there’s an awkward moment when Ian says he was 10 years old the first time he watched Mike. Everyone is kind of worried and in awe of Janelle, even fellow coach Britney.

Dan immediately notices that Willie is obviously related to Russell Hantz and Willie does a terrible job acting like he doesn’t understand what he’s talking about. Mike Boogie and Janelle also notice the resemblance and don’t want him on their teams.

The Coaches Pick Teams

Not only do the coaches immediately pick their teams, but there’s also a challenge right away where one of the newbies will NOT get a key and immediately get evicted. There’s a schoolyard pick, and this is how the teams break down:

Team Britney


Team Mike Boogie


Team Janelle


Team Dan


Poor Jodi was picked last. And Dan got sidelined with an all-girl team, which is bad because men tend to do better in this game. On first impressions, I’d say Mike Boogie has the best team, as Jenn is tough, Ian is smart and Frank is likable. That’s a perfect mix…

The First HoH Competition

The teams are playing together, and the coach of the winning team gets to pick the first HoH. Even worse, the coach of the losing team has to choose who gets evicted first.

The task involves collecting bears by running across spinning and shaking mattresses. After 20 minutes the coaches can substitute out one player..

Dan’s team is off to a miserable start, but everyone else seems to have trouble. Ashley tries to master it by pretending that it’s Frogger, but that doesn’t work.

It comes down to Jenn vs. JoJo vs. Ashley, with Dan’s team not even in it.

JoJo gets the job done and, inexplicably, Britney’s team wins.

After 20 minutes, substitutions immediately let Mike and Janelle’s teams finish, meaning Dan is the big loser.

Britney chooses Willie as the first HoH. Ugh, stupid Hantz family. But it’s smart thinking from Britney because she realizes Willie needs the help to make deals so he can get the target off of him. Clearly, these coaches are going to be helping to craft a deeper, more thoughtful, and strategic game.

Dan thinks Kara is a good competitor and she’s definitely safe. Jodi makes a strong case by going negative on Danielle as someone who gives up easily. Danielle thinks Jodi will cause drama. Then Dan is forced to make his decision.

Jodi is evicted!

Aww, poor Jodi again. Not only was she chosen last, but now she goes home before the game even begins. I’m hoping there’s a second twist because Jodi got screwed.

That’s it for the premiere. On Sunday we’ll learn who Willie nominates and there will be a new competition that gives someone a new power. Wednesday we’ll get the PoV results and next Thursday is the first live eviction episode. And now the live feeds are on and Big Brother: After Dark premieres tonight at 1 am on Showtime 2. I’ll be back later tonight with any spoilers we can learn from the live feeds around Willie’s nominees.

(Image courtesy of CBS)

John Kubicek

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

John watches nearly every show on TV, but he specializes in sci-fi/fantasy like The Vampire DiariesSupernatural and True Blood. However, he can also be found writing about everything from Survivor and Glee to One Tree Hill and Smallville.