First, let me clear up an egregious error on my part: The Bachelorette premieres tonight at 9:01pm. That’s an hour later than usual, thanks to the Dancing with the Stars finale, part one. Sorry to everyone I may have hurt by relying on my 100+ hours of recapping this show (shudder) in saying that it premiered tonight at 8pm. I’m only human, after all.

But back to the important stuff: Like I just said, The Bachelorette premieres TONIGHT! Despite everything I’ve learned from my aforementioned years of recapping this show, I am totally elated to share the upcoming ups and downs of Ashley’s journey with you. The drama will flow like so much fine wine (down Drunk Tim’s throat), beginning with our very first “there for the wrong reasons” contestant, Bentley, a Salt Lake City businessman whose name is almost as obnoxious as his smug attitude/face combo. You guys are going to have so much fun disliking this guy! It’s a real cut-and-dry case: He deserves it. You should believe me, but go ahead and watch the sneak peek to remove all doubt:

BENTLEY. Bentley, Bentley, Beeeeentley. (Your name better not work like Beetlejuice’s.)

Why you gotta be “that guy”? That guy who says “win” like this is a mind-manipulation contest, even though we all know that’s exactly what it is but you’re not actually supposed to say so? And why you gotta say that right after you gush about your daughter, effectively looking like you’re the type of guy who will exploit the existence his own child to “win”? And why you gotta do that to “win” the affection of a woman you openly do not want? “I can tell you right now it’s not going to work. I, to be honest with you, could almost care less. Things could have turned out differently if the Bachelorette was Emily.” BENTLEY! Are you employed as a professional feelings-hurter? Because that’s the only business you seem to be promoting.
In other news: ASHLEY! Wake up, Ashley. A guy named “Bentley” who has earned the dislike of even Michelle (We’re all in agreement she was the one who called Ashley, right? She lives in Salt Lake City. Detective Meghan on the case.) cannot be trusted, ever.

More of this cutting, insightful commentary you’ve come to know and tolerate later tonight in the Bachelorette season 7 premiere recap. Until then: Meet the guys,  learn their names and predict which seven will get dumped tonight! Oh, the love games we play.

(Image courtesy of ABC)

Meghan Carlson

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

Meghan hails from Walla Walla, WA, the proud home of the world’s best sweet onions and Adam West, the original Batman. An avid grammarian and over-analyzer, you can usually find her thinking too hard about plot devices in favorites like The OfficeIt’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and How I Met Your Mother. In her spare time, Meghan enjoys drawing, shopping, trying to be funny (and often failing), and not understanding the whole Twilight thing. She’s got a BA in English and Studio Art from Whitman College, which makes her a professional arguer, daydreamer, and doodler.