Things are really kicked into high gear on ANTM:BI this week. And by “high gear,” I mean “high crazy.” Maybe this show’s still got it after all!
Now, when an American or British girl wins best photo of the week, her “team” gets a prize. For her “genius upside down” winning shot last week — I doubt you need me to point out why hanging upside down out of a crib with Kris Jenner doesn’t exactly qualify as “genius” — Laura wins a box full of clothes for the American girls. But the Brits shant be bother’d! They decide to play a “prank” on the Yanks by running into their room at night and throwing “little balls of paper” at them. So basically their “prank” is to wake up the Americans with their squeals while gently grazing their bodies (but more likely them missing entirely) with featherweight balls of ineffectiveness.
Do they not have pranks in England? Because you’re doing it wrong, ladies. Still, that gives me a good idea for a Crank Yankers spin-off, called Yank Prankers (TM).
Even though that was the lamest prank on some Yanks in the history of Yank pranking, Seymone gets FURIOUS and screams, “I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP!” as they giggle-run away, then gives the Brits a heated lecture about having some respect.
I BET MICHELLE OBAMA DOESN’T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS KINDA SH*T!
Seymone is really overreacting, and robbing herself of even more sleep by getting all worked up … but maybe she just really hates bad pranks? “I’m not used to being around females. Don’t cross me,” she says. Oh, so she’s one of THOSE. Then she screams, “You’re 20! Act like it!” at Alisha — as if goofing off in the middle of the night isn’t EXACTLY a 20-year-old thing to do. So Seymone and Alisha get into a screaming match over whose bedtime headwrap is the prettiest.
YELL A LOT FOR NO REASON, PROBABLY!
It’s general consensus among the Brits that Seymone’s just worried because she had best photo the first week, and landed in the Bottom Two last week, and now she’s taking her frustration out on everyone else. “If you can’t stand the heat in the kitchen, pack your bags and go home,” Alisha says. Yeah, that’s not the expression. You Brits are adorable!
The next morning, the Brits are trying to teach themselves how to smize in the mirror (again, adorable) and Alisha says that she grew up in the ghetto and got bullied for being tall and slim, so now she wants to “show all those girls in London that you can go somewhere else and be someone.” Which, A) if they idealize short and plump girls in London, SEE YA, USA, I’M MOVING and B) That’s great and all, Alisha, but making Tyra’s shadow your “somewhere else” probably isn’t the smartest move.
Anyway, then THIS happens:
Tyra shows up! In some sort of neon yellow duct-taped … thing! She makes each girl show off her walk while describing herself (like any normal house-guest would), then checks out their bedrooms and makes jokes with the girls for a minute. Kyle says, “It just shows me how human she is.” Which is the perfect ironic segue into Tyra giving a stand-up lecture about how being a supermodel means you have superpowers, and oh yeah have you heard of this little book called Modelland that she wrote in one sitting? And that little made-up thing called “Smize” that she thinks she invented? How could you? She won’t let us forget.
Look how human and real I am!
What normal human DOESN’T have a pair of male models whom she’s labeled “the Bestosteros” at her beck and call? Yes, THE BESTOSTEROS. Possibly the best-worst, most brilliant-stupid name for objectified man meat there ever was. Too bad RuPaul did it first.
The Bestosteros hand out a bunch of capes, and the girls put on the capes (natch). These are their baptism robes. Then Tyra goes down the line and christens the girls with their “Intoxibella” (that’s Modelland for “hot chick”) superhero names. As with many religious ceremonies, it doesn’t make sense, and it doesn’t have to.
Sophie is “Illuminata” because she lights up the room (and here’s where I’ll put what the name actually sounds like: makeup); Alisha is “Gam-A-Tronica” for her sexy legs (Transformer); Louise is some horrendous misspelling like “Cameeleone” (an illiterate chameleon); Catherine is “Era-Descent” because she played Queen Elizabeth that time (rejected New Yorker headline pun), and so forth.
Half way through, Tyra’s name-wizard just gave up and started putting hyphens between normal words, like Annaliese’s “Excite-To-Buy,” which sounds like an ESL thrift store, but just means she has a face that can trick you into buying stuff you don’t need. What a gift! And so down the line … AzMarie is “Adro-Genia” (vaginal cream), Laura is “Zagilicious” (novelty candy bar), and poor Seymone gets probably the worst name of the bunch: “F.R.,” for “fiercely real.” Or “Franklin Roosevelt.” Or “Father,” if you’re in the clergy. Kyle is “Next-Doorsia” (candle scent); Candace is “Exotica” (XENOPHOBIC PORN GENRE?!).
Actually, I take that back about Seymone. Eboni got the worst name, and Louise agrees:
(Chat room for pedophiles)
I wish this segment would NEVER END, but then it does, so Tyra can brag about how she just graduated from Harvard Business School and hopes everyone will someday be a millionaire modul-mogul like she is. (No she doesn’t.)
What would your Intoxibella name be? I think mine would be … Sarcasmo! No, wait, Cynicalistica! No … um, SMARTASSTRELLA! Yeah, definitely Smartasstrella. You may call me Smartasstrella from now on, MORTALS.
The Challenge: Design a Campaign with Kelly Cutrone
All of that super-hero, super-model, super-mogul talk was to prepare the girls for this week’s challenge, which is to work directly with Kelly Cutrone without her murdering you. By designing a campaign for Very.com, which the British girls are VERY (*wink!*) familiar with. They’re split into two teams — Brits vs. Yanks, again — and need to assign roles within their team, like leader, wardrobe, hair and makeup, props and casting for their shoot. They have one day to prep and the next day to shoot their campaign. And then, to demonstrate how being a mogul requires shameless product placement, Kelly tells them how they should “stay connected” using their Virgin mobile phones. Kelly, your Intoxibella name is Sellout-Scaryface. Good name. SUPER name.
The US girls pick AzMarie (“Az”) az their leader, and Annaliese is the UK girls’ leader. Kelly immediately starts yelling and lecturing at Annaliese for being a disorganized leader, and at Louise for “assuming” that the prop girls will get the right number of props. “There’s no thinking, you can’t assume!” Kelly barks over and over, which is her preferred method of “leading.” Louise starts literally cracking her knuckles, so hard does she want to throw them into Kelly’s mug.
The prop girls have the entire Universal Studios’ prop department, AKA HEAVEN, at their disposal. The UK girls are going for “British 60s Mod” for their campaign, so stay “minimalist” with their props — but get no feedback from their leaders when they try to clear the props with Virgin mobile phone picture messages. THANKS FOR NOTHING, VIRGIN!
Candace is in charge of “casting” for the US team, whose concept is “punk love.” That means she gets to take pictures of sexy shirtless guys and send those pictures to AzMarie via her Virgin mobile phone, which is really “helping her get the job done!” I can’t even with all this Virgin plugging. (Heh. “Virgin plugging.”)
The girls are in charge of every element of their shoot today. This outta be a 12-hour nightmare. Thankfully, the US girls have a kickass leader in AzMarie, who knows exactly what she wants from their shoot — “love and luxury” — and is articulate, reasonable and smart in the way she goes about getting it. She IS … the anti-Tyra!
Kelly supervises while the girls get into their wardrobe, do their hair and makeup and then start shooting. And Jay is there to act as art director, thank the sweet baby Jesus. Highlights (and lowlights) from the US girls’ shoot:
Candace: She looks too mean in most of her photos. Annaliese calls it a constant “Naomi Campbell about to throw a phone at your head” face. I love Annaliese. Jay asks her to look “carefree,” but she just looks even meaner and miserable-r.
Kyle: Kelly yells, “You’re not on drugs. This is a fashion shoot. Let’s not look dead.” Kyle compensates by jumping in the air a lot.
Eboni: For a “30-Never” baby-face, Eboni goes very “XXX” with her posing, and it’s creepy. No more sexy babies, PLEASE.
AzMarie: Her shoot was hip and high-fashion, says Jay. Between that and her quality leadership, she might have this one in the bag.
The UK girls are up next, and Louise is angry that she has to keep taking over for Annaliese, who’s a “sh*t team leader.” She starts off the shoot in a bad mood (but then again, when she is not in a bad mood), and things just go from bad to worse after that:
Ashley: She’s holding two fake roses that she doesn’t know what to do with, and looks like a rejected girl from The Bachelor. Her fake eyelashes are so thick that they look like her eye makeup running down.
Annaliese: Scared that her terrible, frazzled leadership might send her home, she tries to pull out a good shot, but she’s holding that damn rose again, and it just looks forced — as does her jumping. “Annaliese is supposed to be Excite-To-Buy, which means she could sell ice to an eskimo, but let me tell you: I wasn’t buying it,” Jay says. Jay, your Intoxibella name is HBIC.
At this point, Kelly sees Louise “running” across the set, and comes down on her like an uptight lifeguard during open swim. “Just watch your energy,” she warns Louise. Louise tries to brush it off and get ready for her shoot, but Kelly won’t let it go, and continues to lecture her about the importance of staying calm and composed on set. Louise has a bad attitude, Kelly says. She’s incapable of masking her anger in front of the woman who’s supposed to be her mentor — just like Kelly is incapable of masking her disdain for one of the girls she’s supposed to be mentoring. Of course they hate each other. Two peas in a pod, I say.
Louise: Jay says her anger actually leads to a great shoot for Louise. “She looks like a freaking super model,” he says. When the shoot is over, Louise cries tears of happiness, and even Kelly has to admit that Louise got a great shot despite everything.
For the first time IN THE HISTORY OF EVER, the girls get to pick their best shots from their film. So whoever goes down at judging panel this week, they don’t have the normal “that wasn’t my best shot” defense to stand on.
The lovely and adorable Cat Deeley is here to guest-judge alongside Kelly, Tyra and Nigel.
Annaliese: She admits she didn’t do a great job as leader, but at least she’s staying positive about it. Kelly admits she respects that she stuck to her idea for her photo, which Cats says is “young and fresh.” Tyra thinks the body positioning is too “catalog-y.”
Sophie: Nigel thinks it’s a cool shot, and Tyra calls it “fun and quirky.” Very Twiggy. So they did the Mod part right, at least.
Catherine: Nigel really likes it, Tyra loves her eyes and Kelly loves the makeup. Very Princess Di.
Ashley: It’s “interesting,” but they don’t love it. But her skin looks like Anne Hathaway. Tyra is all about the famous-people analogies today.
Alisha: She’s “Gam-A-Tron,” so Nigel is disappointed that she’s picked a shot where her legs are cropped. “Did you forget what your name was whilst you were picking the pictures?” NIGEL JUST SAID WHILST. Having all these British girls around is making him British-er! Tyra thinks the coat is wearing her, and Kelly thinks she didn’t pick her best shot. Alisha starts crying and says she could do better.
Louise: And here’s where things really go off the rails, as we saw in that sneak peek. Nigel says Louise looks “mean” in her photo, and Louise is incredulous: “MEAN?” She scoffs and says, “I feel like I can’t win.” With that sort of immediate defensiveness, it seems like she came into panel trying to pick a fight over whatever criticism they chose to throw at her. “I think you need to put some gratitude in your attitude, girl,” Kelly says, which she probably thinks is cute and helpful, but just sounds condescending — and that’s when she calls Louise “condescending and rude” on set. “No, YOU were rude to ME,” Louise says.
“You just have a problem with authority,” Tyra says, shockingly calmly. Louise fires back: “I don’t do well with rude people.” Louise shakes her head and sucks on her finger, trying to decide whether to blow up or let it blow over. Cat Deeley tries to calm her down and talk sense into her, and that’s when Louise has HAD IT. She turns around and storms out, pushing through the girls and yelling, “F*ck this! No, get out of my way!”
“Let her go,” Tyra whispers like Voldemort. “It’s okay, ladies.” Louise’s demise shall only make you all stronger!
Louise goes out into the parking lot to throw her full tantrum. “I NEED TO GO HOME!” she screams at someone off-screen. (At least I hope it’s not to no one.) “That f*cking Kelly Cutrone, I swear if she was on the street I would knock her out!” Hahaha. Louise has got a little bit of Green Street Hooligan in her! Or Kelly just pisses her off THAT badly. Yeah … probably both.
AND I’M TIRED OF WEARING THIS BLOODY SHIRT EVERY WEEK!
After the fiftieth time she screams “I WANT TO GO HOME, I NEED TO GO HOME,” (let me go hoooome…) some guy in a yellow polo shirt comes over and grants her wish. Louise has left the building, and the competition. It’s a little sad she didn’t get the chance to sock Kelly one before she went — and has to live with that haircut. But she was never going to win with that attitude (that attitude of thinking she was an equal with the adults behind the table) so at least she got out before they made her dress up like zombie Mary Poppins or whatever.
ANYWAY. Tyra picks back up with judging, but not before patting herself and the other judges on the back for their “constructive but tough” judging, which is not for the faint of heart. Or strong of mind.
AzMarie: Nigel says it’s “striking, stunning and about time.” Tyra says it’s “Andro-Genia to the max.”
Kyle: She jumped, but stayed in control. It’s high-fashion.
Seymone: She didn’t “own her body,” says Kelly. It looks too “mature,” says Cat.
Laura: It gets “oohs” from the judges. They love the action. It’s on point and cool says Kelly, but Nigel wishes it showed more of her face.
Eboni: She’s supposed to be young and fresh-faced, but looks haggard as heeeeeeell. “You look like the princess from last night’s party,” says Kelly. “Too sexy, in the wrong kind of way.” Speaking of so wrong it’s still wrong, but in a right sort of way:
Our first great Tyra face of the season!
Candace: She looks mean. It’s a “cheesy” pose, says Nigel. Kelly is disappointed because Candace is stunning in person. Candace admits that she over-thought it, and it “defeated” her.
Tyra announces that even though Louise opted-out, they’re still eliminating someone this week.
In deliberation, the judges reveal that they WERE going to tell Louise that her photo was fabulous and “eat her rudeness” because it was so great, but they didn’t get the chance. They love how AzMarie looked like a matador, and Cat Deeley says that Sophie’s embodying London. As for Eboni, “She looks like a baby trying to be sexy,” which was, unfortunately, the goal for last week, not this week.
Best photo goes to: AZMARIE
And the rest, in order:
At least, Louise WOULD be there, if she hadn’t stormed out. Tyra calls Candace, Eboni, Ashley and Alisha forward. The “client” decided none of their photos was worthy of their campaign, and Tyra only has one photo in her hands … BUT IT’S A MEGA-PHOTO WITH ALL FOUR OF THEIR PHOTOS IN IT! So they’re all staying because Louise flipped out. Now THAT’S how you pull a prank on ANTM.
Candace, Eboni and Alisha look relieved. Ashley looks like she’s still not sure if she’s going home or not.
Everyone hugs it out while, after cooling down, Louise says that she’s proud that she stayed true to herself and gets to go home to see her mom.
What did you think of this week’s DIY photo shoot? And how about that Kelly Cutrone? She’s certainly hands-on. And lastly, what did you think of Louise’s big blowup?
(Images courtesy of CW)