It’s time to start week two of the dumbest show on Earth, America’s Got Talent. I say dumbest not because it isn’t entertaining, but because there’s no point. The judges are allegedly looking to give someone one million dollars and an act in Las Vegas. If that’s the case, why would a 62-year-old woman dancing make the cut? It’s amusing, but I can pay two dollars at any state fair to see that kind of generic bland entertainment.
When David Hasselhoff expresses amazement when the old woman can dance without being out of breath, we’ as a country have lowered the standard by which we judge talent. In the old days, you had to have a demonstrable skill to become famous and acclaimed. Now all you need is a big butt, a sex tape, or a catchphrase like “That’s hot.”
And if those things fail, you can go on one of the billion reality shows, act like a buffoon, and pretend that 15 minutes of fame is someone validation for your existence. On talk shows I frequently hear Dr. Drew Pinsky comment on the fact that, for the first time as a species, achieving fame is now the primary engine for actions, not for the sake of accomplishing something.
Fame has become a drug, one which addicts like Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag can’t live without. Sadly, America’s Got Talent has become this nation’s top drug dealer, even outshining Tommy, the white guy with dreadlocks who lives down the hall from me and doesn’t wake up until 3pm.
American Idol may spend a disproportionate amount of time on the bad auditions, but they don’t put people like William Hung through to Hollywood. On America’s Got Talent, those same desperate fame whores willing to sacrifice their integrity for a chance to be on TV are rewarded with trips to Las Vegas.
Am I being too harsh? Judge for yourself, because here are the acts that made it through during the third episode of auditions.
Carol Lugo: A 62-year-old checkout lady who does funky dancing while gyrating her hips.
Joseph Harris: A guy who does yo yo tricks.
The Diva League: A dance troupe which features four large drag queens.
“Coney Island” Chris Allison: A comedian who eats light bulbs.
Jay Matteoli: A 27-year-old magician who is trying to rival Criss Angel for the title of “World’s Douchiest Magician.” He does for magic what Dane Cook does for stand-up comedy.
Thea Megia: A 14-year-old girl with a rhyming name who sings. She has a great voice, but does anyone think a 14-year-old girl should really be headlining an act in Vegas?
The Fab Five: Five Utah-born tap dancing sisters who are all quite MILF-y.
Kevin Skinner: A genuinely great country singer who acts like a country-fried idiot, talking about his past life as a chicken catcher who didn’t know how many chickens he caught because he wasn’t too good at the math. Sharon calls him genuine, but I’m 100 percent certain his country twang and “aw shucks” attitude is a huge fake act.
So one of those eight acts could get a show in Las Vegas and earn one million dollars. John Edwards always talked about the two Americas, so at least I know I have someplace else to go if one of them actually wins.
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of NBC)