America must really have a heck of a lot of talent, because the audition rounds for America’s Got Talent have been going on for approximately 200 years.  Tonight finally marks the last of the audition rounds, meaning that we’re nearly done suffering through Burger Kings who recite Shakespeare and retail clerks who dance to Lionel Ritchie songs.  On this week’s episode, the Hoff and his two cohorts judge MySpace submissions, which brings out a whole new breed of freaks, weirdos, and Tila Tequila wannabes.  Who will have what it takes to make it to next week’s Las Vegas callbacks?

The first MySpace hopeful is a magician who looks like the love child of Criss Angel and Gene Simmons, which isn’t a pretty combination.  He puts on a “rock and roll magic show” that utilizes such hardcore items as feathers, an umbrella and candles.  The “rock and roll hobbit,” as Sharon Osbourne describes him, gets booed off stage.

Next up is a musical act called Diva Boy and the Sexplosion Dancers.  They’re straight out of the ’80s, and though nostalgia is big right now they’re not nearly good enough to get through.  A man named Eloy Rendon is next to take the stage, and somehow thinks he can create a Vegas show centered around motivational speaking.  That’ll have the theater packed, I’m sure.  He fails to get through.

After a montage of talent-free hacks, an Ozzy Osbourne impersonator takes the stage.  Sharon looks on with lust and confusion in her eyes as he starts rocking to a classic Ozzy song.  The judges put him through, which makes sense since Vegas is filled with celebrity impersonators.

Holly Stone gets to tell a sob story about reuniting with the daughter she gave up for adoption while emotional piano music plays in the background.  Gee, I wonder if she’ll make it through.  She sings beautifully, wows the judges and makes it to Vegas.

The Cadence is a percussion rock ensemble made up of college students who all dress like Daniel Faraday from Lost.  Their act is fairly awesome, kind of like if the Blue Man Group all wore nerdy physicist outfits.  Piers Morgan likes their look but thinks they need to expand their scope, and Sharon agrees.  Despite the criticisms, they still make it through to the next round.

Kool & the Gang plays over a montage of successful auditions, including a celebrity impersonator, a magician and a bunch of tap dancing dads.  If there’s one thing Vegas is missing, it’s tap dancing dads.  The Sweetones, which is a team consisting of an old granny and her middle-age daughter, put on a duel whistling act.  Sharon doesn’t think anyone would pay to listen to whistling for 90 minutes, but David Hasselhoff tries to play the Paula and be nice to them.  They don’t make it through, and even the soothing words from Michael Knight don’t make the failure any easier to handle.

It’s time for the second sob story of the evening.  Daniel Jens served in Iraq for 15 months and used his knack for playing the guitar to lift the spirits of his fellow troops.  Now he’s on the America’s Got Talent stage, still dressed in his military outfit lest we forget what he’s done for his country.  Daniel sings Edwin McCain’s “I’ll Be,” and I actually like his version a lot more than the original song.  Jens may look like Landry from Friday Night Lights, but he certainly doesn’t sing like a member of Crucifictorious.  He sings exceptionally well, earns praise from the judges and gets through easily.

Next Tuesday’s America’s Got Talent is a two-hour Las Vegas extravaganza, and it’ll be followed by a 90-minute results show on Thursday revealing the top contenders.  The auditions are finally over.  Rejoice!

– Don Williams, BuddyTV Staff Writer
(Image courtesy of NBC)


Staff Writer, BuddyTV