Last night on America’s Got Talent, over 10 million viewers watched as 10 of the top 40 acts performed for our amusement.  Some of the performances were legitimately entertaining, such as Jessica Price’s moving rendition of “Time After Time,” and others were completely underwhelming, such as DC Cowboys reenacting the end of The Full Monty without any stripping.  Tonight’s installment gives us 10 more performances and also reveals how viewers voted after last night’s episode.  Will anything be as thrilling as watching Shimshi the magician do a flip and kick a card in mid-air?  Let’s find out!

The first order of business is to reveal which five acts from last night will be going through to the top 20.  Four acts will be determined by America’s votes, and the final spot will be left up to the judges.  After oodles of filler reminding us of what happened last night, Jerry Springer finally gets to the point.  The acts going through based on votes are Extreme Dance FX, Jessica Price, The Cadence and Neil E. Boyd.  The James Gang beats out Alex “Elite” Pyles for the judges’ spot.  That means Ronny B., Shimshi, DC Cowboys, Boy Britney and Elite are headed home.  Oh America, why did you pick the opera singer over Boy Britney?  I realize that Neil is much more talented, but entertainment-wise I would much rather see more recreations of Britney Spears videos.  The poor guy didn’t even get to lip-sync “Oops, I Did It Again.”

Beyond Belief Dance Company is the first act up tonight.  They take the stage and bust their booties to “When I Grow Up” by the Pussycat Dolls, which is a song that is growing on me like a fungus.  I’m really not comfortable admitting that, but damn if it isn’t catchy.  Piers Morgan thinks the performance could have been tighter at the beginning, but otherwise he found it electrifying.  I thought it was an alright performance, but nothing that you can’t see in a million different music videos.

Jerry assures me that kids are going to do strange things to a giant with baseball bats after the break.  How can I NOT tune in for that?

Sinatra impersonator Paul Salos is up next, and he quickly busts into Coolio’s “Gangsta’s Paradise” after coming on stage.  Nah, just kidding.  He actually belts out “My Way,” and even earns a standing ovation from the judges for his performance.  I think the judges are too easily swayed by kids and old people.  Piers even tells Paul that he has Sinatra’s popularity, which leads me to believe that Old Blue Eyes must not be very well-known in the UK.

The boy band Kazual is determined to spread their terrible spelling across America, and their latest plan for domination is to recreate a Jackson 5 song.  I love the Jackson 5 and their awesome ’70s funkitude, but Kazual fail to live up to them in any way.  Most of the solo moments are terrible, and everyone aside from a possibly drunk David Hasselhoff tells them so.  I’m pretty sure the Hoff is the Paula Abdul of this show.  He’s always positive, often incoherent, and may be imbibing in mind-altering substances during commercial breaks.

Now Jerry is telling me that a seven-foot-tall duck is coming up next, but he still hasn’t shown me the giant getting beaten up by kids with baseball bats!  I think Jerry is just screwing with me to stop me from changing the channel.

Hey, Jerry kept his promise!  The group of seven-foot-tall animals known as the ZOOperstars take the stage to dance to a Village People medley.  Their act is one of the strangest and most disturbing things I’ve ever seen, but the tipsy Hoff has a gay old time watching them shimmy and shake.  Things get even creepier when a normal human joins the act and is promptly devoured by one of the creatures.  I’m not even making that up.  Piers hates the ZOOperstars with a flaming passion, Sharon Osbourne thinks they’re halftime show material, and the Hoff, predictably, thinks they’re great.  He’s more delusional than usual tonight.

Jerry reveals that Ozzy Osbourne is in the audience tonight, which means we’re not the only ones suffering through these “talents.”  The trio of singing youngsters known as The Wright Kids are up next, and their squeaky clean Waltons-esque image immediately creeps me out.  They break into a tuneless version of The Monkees’ “Daydream Believer,” and I suddenly feel like I’m watching The Brady Bunch Variety Hour.  Have I traveled back in time?  The judges are overly nice to them, with Hasselhoff even comparing them favorably to The Partridge Family.  He says America needs to go back in time, but I watch enough Mad Men to know that things weren’t so great back in the olden days.

Jonathan Arons was just a nerd who played the trombone during his school years, and now he’s a nerd who plays the trombone and dances at the same time.  That’s quite the improvement.  He continues tonight’s old-timey theme by performing a disco medley while dressed in blue sequins.  As happy as I am to hear “Boogie Wonderland” and see plenty of disco dancers, his act is kind of horrendous.  The judges love him, but admit that his trombone playing was terrible.

Army guy Daniel Jens wowed the crowd by singing “I’ll Be” during his first audition, but bombed and forgot the words the second time around.  Tonight he decides to sing “Every Breath You Take” by The Police, which makes me writhe in agony.  Not because his performance is awful, because it isn’t, but because I hate this song and its weird stalking undertones.  Piers doesn’t think Daniel has the vocal talent to perform in Vegas, and I certainly agree.

Slippery Kittens may sound like a euphemism for some heinous sex act, but it’s actually the name of a burlesque group.  The fact that many of them are moms by day is slightly creepy, but all is forgiven when they take the stage and start shaking their assets to “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.”  It’s all very skanky in a wholesome 1920s way.  The Hoff asks one of the ladies if she’s Pamela Anderson’s mom, which isn’t very nice considering Pam Anderson is like 47.

Finally, it’s time for George the Giant!  As he puts it, he’s “a 7’3″ bald-headed man who does weird things.”  Though he lost consciousness and had to be rushed to the hospital during rehearsal, he still comes out on stage wrapped in chains, gets lifted upside down, and allows children to come and beat him like a piñata.  Um, what the hell is this?  The judges find the act atrocious and quickly boot George off stage.

Queen Emily takes the stage for the final performance of the evening.  Oh, is it that time already?  It feels like this show has only been on for 85 hours!  The Queen does a predictably awesome job of belting “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” while clad in a flowing red dress.  Queen Emily is kind of fantastic I must say, though it’s awfully biased how this show throws on the obvious favorites at the end of each episode.  The judges love her, Sharon says she has “big balls,” and she’ll have no problem making it through.

America’s Got Talent returns next Tuesday to boot off five more people and torture/thrill us with 10 more performances.  I’m glad I have a three-day weekend coming up to prepare for four more hours of this show.

– Don Williams, BuddyTV Staff Writer
(Image courtesy of NBC)


Staff Writer, BuddyTV