Previously on A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila: Tila visited the homes of her final four. Bobby was poor but good, Amanda was noble and fun, Dani’s grandma was awesome, and Ryan’s parents were rich conservative people from my hometown. As such, Ryan was eliminated.
The final three pack their bags to head off to Cancun. Bobby is excited to be the last man standing. I’m so accustomed to reality show villains that I’m thrown by the fact that these final three seem to get along well and enjoy hanging out with each other.
In Mexico, small town Bobby is amazed by the fancy hotel. Tila Tequila reflects on her trips to their homes. Dani is surrounded by loving friends and family, Bobby is from a small town, and Amanda is very compassionate. These people are so dull, even their smack talk is lame. Amanda looks and speaks like Cameron Diaz’s far less attractive sister.
Everyone swims with the dolphins. It’s really fun, and Tila compares it to an orgasm. Bobby’s small town ways are positively stunned by the unbelievable dolphins. The editors pipe in Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All,” and I’m just amazed that it’s the real song and not some lame sound-alike. I’m also amazed that, before all the crack, Whitney was actually a supremely great singer.
Amanda gets the first solo date. In this dynamic, Amanda is the submissive one. Do lesbians have bottoms and tops? Tila Tequila asks about the other contestants, and Amanda claims Dani is a promiscuous cuddler who is content just being a firefighter. Then she says Bobby is just an inexperienced bumpkin. They go back to Tila’s room to spend some special private time, and they play “Doctor” in the hot tub. The lights go out, the cameras leave, and we’re left assuming Tila climbed Mt. Amanda and planted her flag.
The next morning, Dani and Bobby meet Tila and Amanda for breakfast and it’s so awkward. Bobby is kind of a dick, but in reality, this is probably the actual reaction you’d have on a reality dating show. It’s hard to fall for someone and see them walk up to the table after spending the night with someone else. Afterwards, the whole crew goes to ride on a zip line. Bobby is scared. Amanda sees the zip line tower and thinks it’s too high up. Wow, when a giantess like Amanda thinks it’s too high, that’s bad. Firefighter Dani obviously doesn’t care about heights, and her total fearlessness makes her a huge winner. Amanda overcomes her fear, and her theme song is “Stronger” by Britney Spears.
Bobby gets the second solo date while the ladies go shopping to get Dani an outfit for her date. The shopping is hilarious, because Dani is so not interested in a makeover and she clearly hates buying “nice” clothes. On the date, Bobby is nice and charming and the date ends with Tila’s bedroom door closing on the cameras. The next morning, breakfast is once again awkward. What do you expect when Tila is essentially sleeping with each of them one at a time?
For day three, they get the entire hotel to themselves and they go swimming in the hotel pool. Tila asks Amanda for more scoop on Dani’s promiscuity, and apparently Dani goes to strip clubs three times a week. Since Tila is more or less a professional stripper, why would this bug her?
Dani finally gets the third solo date, and Amanda is really upset with her for some reason. Dani has a black shirt and a pink tie, which is sweet. Tila Tequila digs for dirt on the others. Dani doesn’t play these games, and refuses to talk trash about the others. At dinner, Dani makes Tila cry with her sincerity. If Dani somehow gts eliminated, she is going to have thousands of hot lesbians banging down her door. Back in the hotel, Amanda and Bobby play dress up. Bobby puts on a dress and looks like a transvestite prostitute, and I suppose Amanda is his pimp. Bobby has way too much fun dancing and prancing around in a dress.
The next morning, breakfast number three is the most awkward yet. Amanda asks what they did last night, which is a stupid question, Amanda and Bobby have both been in Dani’s position, so they know exactly what happened.
A Shot at Love Elimination Time! It’s a tough call. Bobby is probably the least compatible, but what’s the point of a bisexual dating show if the final choice isn’t between a man and a woman? Tila calls Dani’s name, and she’s the first person in the finals! The other two are called forward, and Amanda towers over everyone. Tila has a mini breakdown because it’s such a hard choice. Bobby still has a shot at love! As expected, of course it comes down to a man and a woman. So Amanda is going home. That’s what you get for talking bad about Dani behind her back! The giantess is finally taken down.
Next week on A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila: a clip show. Because that’s what happens when shows are popular. We need to wait two weeks for the real finale to see who Tila picks.
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of MTV)