Previously on A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila: 15 lesbians and 15 straight men moved in, and 12 were immediately sent home. Serenity and Lili made out and bad-ass Tila Tequila sent them packing. Jay and Bo continued the longstanding (and imaginary) Ohio/New Jersey feud. The Chad and his wang bone were awesome.
The final 18 arrive at the mansion in limos, pink and blue, natch. Chad is more excited to move into Tila than he is moving into the house, if you get his meaning. Michelle wants to bite Tila’s sexy Asian ass. They see the big bed, and Brittany promises to castrate any male genitalia in her face. Chad brought a blow-up doll.
They notice the bar and everyone immediately gets drunk. The guys start asking the lesbians questions as if they were a different species. Tila arrives and takes everyone to her casino. While everyone gambles, Tila takes people aside for one-on-one time. She talks to Lisa, but Kyle is creepily looking on. Kyle swoops in and tries to steal Tila’s time. Next up is Sirbrina, and Tila makes out with her and they simulate sex, which prompts creepy Kyle to interrupt again. Dude, she’s just not that into you.
The night ends up by playing Strip Craps, in which the daters roll dice and strip off the clothing item it lands on. Last man and woman with clothes win. Chad is smart enough to realize this is just an excuse to get everyone naked, which he fully endorses. Lisa has boxers, Kristy has a huge ass and Sirbrina has a thong. Kristy and George eventually win, so they join Tila in a private club. George likes everything about Tila, though when pressed, he cites her shortness because he’s not that tall. The ladies laugh at the simple dumb hetero. Kristy is all into education and emotions.
The other daters enter the club. Samantha has some amazing poll dancing skills, and Bo instantly recognizes those moves as the work of a pro, essentially admitting that he has a strip club addiction. Everyone begins screaming loudly and the police arrive. The neighbors complained about the noise, and Jay isn’t too happy, shouting “F*** the po-po!” Tila tries to flirt with the cop, but he has none of it and gives her a ticket. They leave, and Tila rips up the ticket.
Tila goes to bed, but the daters party on. Bo tries to flirt with Kristy, but a pillow fight ends horribly when he hits her with all his strength. He’s wearing red briefs, which automatically puts him in the wrong. They all go to bed, and Chad plays “Taps.” With his butt. Now I know this man crush is a problem, because I even think that’s awesome.
The next morning, it’s hangover city. Samantha covers herself in glitter. Christian wakes up with some hair of the dog because in Venezuela, it’s customary to be drunk all the time. They get their first Message in a Bottle which directs them to the kitchen redesigned as a hangover recovery zone. There’s an oxygen bar, but George is sad because it’s his dead mom’s birthday.
Chad and Jay start a food fight by tossing eggs. The ladies decide to clean up the mess for Tila’s sake. Somehow Samantha and Scotty get into a screaming match. He pours a protein shake on her head, so she flips and and starts pelting him with fruit juice. He tries to apologize, but she’s not hearing it.
Tila invites everyone outside for “Bi My Love.” One guy and one girl take turns entering a wind box with play money. Guys grab the blue dollars, ladies grab the pink money, and the three top money winners get a date. Lisa pokes Kyle. Lauryn and Dominic dance and have fun. Chad wishes there were real “Benjis” in there. Michelle slaps Ryan. Kristy uses her booty to squeeze out Jay. The winners are V, Fame and Brittany. George only gets five dollars, and Tila says she can’t even shop at the dollar store with that. Um, yes you could, in fact you could buy five things (well four things because of the tax).
The winning ladies go to the hot tub and do their best Tila impressions for some alone time. Brittany’s impression involves icing up her nipples, so she wins the prize: making out with Tila. Fame interrupts and starts singing, but Tila goes all Simon Cowell on that awful performance.
Afterwards, George sits down with Tila and tells her about his mom. As someone whose own mom died more than 10 years ago, I am allowed to say that either he’s putting on an act or else he’s very emotionally immature, because though the dead mom birthday hurts the first few years, you get used to it. You’re never over it, but you’re used to it.
A Shot at Love 2 Elimination Time! Sadly, she’s only sending home two people. At this rate, we’re in for a long season. Chad gets a key, which is all I really care about. It comes down to Fame and Lisa for the ladies and Kyle and Christian for the men. Fame is sent home because this isn’t American Idol. Drunk Christian is also sent home.
Next week on A Shot at Love 2: The ladies take a sex ed class which involves spanking. The Second Annual Shot at Love Bi-athlon takes place, and asses are threatened with the insertion of shoes.
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of MTV)