Even though she’s repeatedly claimed she doesn’t want the gig — or all this attention — the big rumor in Bachelor Land today is that Emily Maynard, Brad Womack’s ex-fiance and the unquestionable fan favorite of his season, will be the next Bachelorette.
This is terrible news. Not because I don’t love Emily. Quite the opposite. Because there are so many things to love about Emily — and every one is a reason she’d make a terrible Bachelorette:
1. She’s too nice. She wouldn’t be able to pull the plug on her potential suitors, especially in those stressful one-on-one date scenarios, without a whole lot of hand-wringing, apology-making and sad-hugging. She’d smile at every dumb thing the guys said, feel uncomfortable judging anyone for anything even though that would be her job, and she’d feel guilty almost constantly. She’s a sweet, angelic doll — but sweet, angelic dolls don’t make good reality TV. The “process of elimination” process just wasn’t made for people like Emily. (Probably time to do some soul-searching if you think it was made for you.)
2. She’s too responsible. She has a young daughter’s well-being to think of, and her time on The Bachelor proved that she will always put her child first — and that just won’t do, because being The Bachelorette means always putting yourself first. She’s too level-headed to take a risk that might affect her life and her daughter’s life unless she’s absolutely certain it’s the right one. Obviously, that certainty didn’t exactly work out when she got engaged to Brad Womack, but that’s all the more reason to think Emily would be even warier of getting attached as The Bachelorette. We’d basically be guaranteeing a season of “dating at regular dating pace” with a high likelihood that she’d leave the show alone, or at the most with a solid boyfriend. Refreshingly real for reality TV, but probably not dramatic enough for our tastes.
3. She’s too beautiful. All the men will have no choice but to fall deeply in love with her, and all of us women watching will have no choice but to wonder whether some malevolent cosmic power is punishing us with these ugly, trollish visages we once thought were just our faces. She’s that friend who’s too gorgeous to be so sweet. You want to hate her, but you can’t, so you end up hating yourself juuuust a liiiittle biiiit instead. I’m kidding — but only partially. The thought of watching Emily’s perfect face, hair and body all season is already giving me a bad case of the frumps.
4. She’s too classy. What would The Bachelorette be without the kissing of multiple men throughout the season and the suggested funny business of those Fantasy Suites? If it’s Emily, we are bound to find out. And I bet you it will be boring. Instead of kissing, there would be so much talking, but nothing juicy or scandalous. So many feelings, but all of them well-considered and well-articulated. What a drag!
5. She’s too good for all the mud-slinging that comes with it. The tabloids have gone after everything about Emily, from the legitimacy of her relationship with her late fiance to whether her relationship with Brad was all an act so she could take this gig. Add in this non-story about how the worst guy from Ashley’s season, Bentley, only had eyes for Emily, and I shudder to think about how low and gross they’d go just to create fresh scandal for Emily’s Bachelorette season.
What do you think, BuddyTV Bachelorette-heads? Would you enjoy Emily as next summer’s Bachelorette, or — like me — do you think we’re all better off if she keeps it classy, and keeps herself off the show? Any ideas for a more suitable star? (“Someone new!” is always an option.)
I will say this: If the rumor proves true and Emily is cast for the next season, I can only hope that they cast plenty of grade-A idiots, loons and weirdos to pursue her. That way she’ll have some easy decisions to make, you’ll have some folks to make fun of, and I’ll have something to write about.
(Image courtesy of ABC)