Best 'NCIS' Quotes from 'Charade'
Best 'NCIS' Quotes from 'Charade'
Meredith Jacobs
Meredith Jacobs
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
Tony's identity is stolen multiple times in NCIS season 13 episode 20, "Charade," and the imposters are blackmailing Senators. Not only does Tony find himself accused of impersonating himself at one point, but it also turns out that the person behind stealing his identity is a woman he dated once, Leah (from "After Hours").

Here are the best quotes from "Charade."


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"Why deprive the politicians? Most of them have not had a drink since this morning."
Tony: "Would you like a glass of bubbly, Director?"
Vance: "No drinking on the clock, Agent DiNozzo."
Tony: "Of course not, sir. And why deprive the politicians? Most of them have not had a drink since this morning."

"He's not really a people person. He's more of a basement person."

NCIS 1320 1.pngLisa: "Name?"
Tony: "I'm Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS."
Lisa: "We were expecting a Special Agent Gibbs."
Tony: "Well, consider yourself lucky. He's not really a people person. He's more of a basement person."

"I usually only have that effect on women."
- Tony, after two Senators excuse themselves after meeting him

"Can't say I know a lot about her music, but she's Katy Perry. She's got the fiery hair. Roar!"
- Tony

NCIS 1320 2.png"How's that investigation going now, Hicks?"
- Gibbs to the deputy who thinks the deceased was drunk or fell asleep ... and then McGee and Bishop find signs there was another vehicle involved

"Investigators don't guess, Deputy. They study. They analyze. They make inference based on evidence and facts."
- Ducky schooling the deputy

"I made a joke."
McGee: "So much for getting those contacts."
Ducky: "I think it's safe to say that his last contact was with the pole. I made a joke."
- After McGee realizes he can't get any information off the victim's phone

NCIS 1320 3.png"Sure, Gibbs. I'll just push my 'identify a stranger based solely on the back of their head' button."
- Abby, after Gibbs asks her if she can ID someone even though they don't have any images of her face

"She told me that I'd get to play a government agent. You know, like Jason Bourne. Instead, of course, I get Jason Boring."
- Tiny Tony, explaining why he took the job to impersonate Tony

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"Nothing changes with you."
Tony: "How long have I been working for NCIS?"
Tiny Tony: "Long enough that you should be making better money. Wait for it, wait for it. Yep, you're pathetic."
Tall Tony: "I'm not even that good at memorizing lines. You were easy! You have no life."
Tiny Tony: "That's true. Yeah, no wife, no kids, no hobbies. Same job, same apartment. I mean, nothing changes with you."
Tony: "What a fun conversation."

NCIS 1320 4.png"Did you happen to catch her name, DiNozzo, or is that not the way that dates work anymore?"
- Gibbs when Tony says he doesn't know who Leah is

"Yes, and not the way I like."
Abby: "Do you feel violated?"
Tony: "Yes, and not the way I like."

"You don't need to put on a show. You are Very Special Agent Anthony freakin' DiNozzo, and you are a catch."
Abby: "Tony, you don't have a cat. ... Or a dog."
Tony: "It's a long story."
Abby: "Yeah. You pretend to have a pet to impress women."
Tony: "So it's a short story."
Abby: "I just don't get it. You don't need to put on a show. You are Very Special Agent Anthony freakin' DiNozzo, and you are a catch."
Tony: "Maybe I just haven't met the right one yet."
Abby: "Or maybe you're afraid of who you're gonna find."

"SECNAV's never gonna call a ship The Hannibal, unless it's christened with fava beans and a bottle of chianti."
- Tony about McGee wanting to enter "Hannibal Hamlin" into SECNAV's contest to name an aircraft carrier

NCIS 1320 5.png"I believe you could just as easily be the thief in all this. You got beady little rat eyes like one."
- An officer before he arrests Tony for impersonating a federal officer

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"You are Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo. You survived the pneumonic plague. You saved Gibbs from drowning. But you know what? More than anything, you're one of my best friends."
Tony: "Feel like my life is a charade. ... You'd tell me, right, if I was losing my edge? The DiNozzo edge? 'Cause I feel like it. I mean, I get swindled by a bimbo. I got Laurel and Hardy impersonating me. What about the third guy? Is he a buffoon? Is that who I am?"
McGee: "You haven't lost your edge. You momentarily misplaced it, okay? You're getting it back."
Tony: "Did a lot of thinking in the big house. ... Time passed real slow. Honestly, sometimes, I feel like I don't know who I am. And it's strange, because she stole my identity, right? But I feel like I've already lost my identity. I mean, what is this? Seriously, is this some kind of weird metaphor for my current psychological state?"
McGee: "Look, I don't understand half of what you're talking about right now, okay? And we don't have time for an existential crisis. Listen to me. You are Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo. You survived the pneumonic plague. You saved Gibbs from drowning. But you know what? More than anything, you're one of my best friends."


NCIS season 13 airs Tuesdays at 8pm on CBS.

(Images courtesy of CBS)