Last Week on Love in the Wild: Bats, broken bridges and some real brats emerged.
Ben and Brandee
were mutually abusive, and liked it. Miles and Heather were cute to each
other, and liked it. Peter (surfer) and Vanessa (soul-sucker) were
Tonight on Love in the Wild:
Only two words really matter: SNAKE. ISLAND. Other than that (like anything else could compare!): More stupidity. It's been
three weeks, so hopefully some sex? Definitely laughs. Let's go!
Sexy Status Report: Kym
is excited to be partners with Steele, and
"desperately" wants it to work out. Ladies, always make sure to use THAT
word as often as possible! Heather
feels "ripped away" from Miles
, because that's exactly what happened, King Kong style. Erica
is always annoying, but tonight she's annoying Miles, her new partner
who wishes he was with Heather. Sam
feels like her bond with Mike
solid like a rock, which means it will end up being the Bluth version of
"solid as a rock." Skip
are hump-kissing in the bed, and we
get to watch, because this is America and 2011 and this is what we do
now. Pain-loving Brandee
makes birthday boy Ben
breakfast in bed, and he
says, "This smells like sh*t!" Ben is the worst and I wish it was the
OPPOSITE of his "birth"-day, if you get my drift.
The smaller guy from Flight of the Conchords
that each team gets a map and a canoe, with which they must travel to
"Snake Island," where they must retrieve a VIP crate from beneath a
writhing orgy of evil snakes. What's in the crate? DON'T ASK QUESTIONS,
SINGLETONS. JUST GO GET IT. (It's drugs.) Why is it called Snake Island?
Because SNAKES, DUH! (It's snakes on drugs.)
Ready, set ... fall in love via fake competitive danger!
The couples race to
their canoes. Kym
are "like a rowing team," according to Kym.
, once again, sucks at anything that requires physical exertion,
and Baby Jessica
is noticing. Heather
secretly hopes Miles
wins so he
can have first pick this week, and they can get back together. Miles is
doing his best, thanks to all the training he's had rowing those 10,000
lakes, but Erika
's arms are like if you dipped baby arms in cupcake
are feeling the sting of failure for the first time
since they arrived in the wild, and it hurts Sam's big, sensitive
get to the island first. They immediately start making plans for the future:
Be careful what you promise, Jess. The vow of a massage is a sacred bond on Snake Island.Skip
is conflicted about how
's face is pretty but the rest of her is dragging him down. But
... but ... so prettyyyyyyy!
Derek is almost fooled by a camouflaged snake
on the crate, but unfortunately, I mean LUCKILY, it doesn't bite his
face off. Jess estimates that their crate weighs 50 to 70 pounds, which
doesn't bode well for Baby Jessica.
60 pounds is her goal
weight. Skip is now amazed at how perfect Theresa's hair and makeup can
stay when she is moving and thinking at a normal human pace. "She's
really mentally tough," says Skip. Like an expired fruit leather, or a
are on the verge of breakup, and Brandee
is starting to
reveal why she likes Ben
so much: Because Brandee is not so bright. Brandee laughs at everything that Brandee says, that's how I know.
"LOL! Whut?" - Brandee to Brandee
I can't believe I actually know these idiots' names from memory. Skip
is all like, "Let me pass you!" to Derek
, and Theresa
's loins are
salivating, all like, "Skip is a BADASS!" I can't wait for these two to
get married and have a million babies who have baby-brains forever.
, whom let's all recall considers himself a PRO GOLFER, capsizes
his canoe (too much pecs! too heavy of pecs!) when he gets in for the
return journey, and it clearly still haunts him to this day. Baby
says Steele is "lost in the sauce," which is a phrase she ALSO
used last week, which is two too many weeks. Baby Jessica needs to learn
some new words! Oh crap, while I was thinking about that, some people capsized their canoes out in the ocean and died? Oh no! I hope it's Ben!
Oh, it's Kym
. They're forced to drag their canoe back
to shore to bail it out while everyone else makes their way back to
Non-Snake Island. Ben
are energized by the opportunity to at
least somebody. "Let's shoot for
the not being dead last!" Mike
are bickering, because Sam's eyebrows are sore (also too heavy). Erika
is worried that because she did no work during the
won't like her anymore. A valid concern. Derek and Jess are STILL talking about massages:
We get it!
I'm super-pissed, as if I didn't know better,
that for an episode
heavily advertised as including SNAKES, there was only about three
seconds of actual snakes in this episode. Not only that, but for a place
called "SNAKE ISLAND," they had maybe, oh, three snakes? Probably
non-poisonous ones that an NBC intern bought at a Costa Rican pet store
the day before? Snakes didn't threaten or bite or kill anybody, and worse, they
never even got a chance to!
I'm furious. Just like every woman's ex-boyfriend, this
show is a JERKFACED LIAR, and just like every man's ex-girlfriend, this
show is a MANIPULATIVE B-WORD!
THE WINNERS: Derek and Jess
make it back first, and the Australian
grease monkey opens the crate to reveal... a bottle of champagne! This show's version of "wild" is pathetic and effete. Theresa and Skip
come in second, with Mike and Sam
in third. Sam is still pouting because even though they did relatively well, they
fought the whole time.
It's a battle for Not Last Place between Heather and Chinstrap, Kym and
Steele and Ben and Brandee. It's like the dumber you look, the worse
you'll actually do in these challenges! I love that. Seems fair.
Despite their TITANIC (*wink*) failure, Kym and Steele overtake Adam and
Heather, who get last place
because Adam sucks at rowing. It's not his
fault, bro! The rowing machine at his gym has been out of order, and
they didn't let him bring his supplements to the island, and just ...
Adam's chinstrap defies nature and turns over into a perma-frown.
Heather just hopes that Miles will pick her up and dust her off at the
Back at the Oasis
says "this is the best room I've ever seen,
EVER!" She and Derek
toast their champagne and then proceed to feel
each other out for several hours, both hoping they'll get it on, but
both too scared to say it. This is no time for games in this game, ladies and man-boys! NO TIME. In their cabin, Steele
their underdog victory for Not Last Place, and so of course Steele
immediately gets scared of having feelings and tells us he has never had a serious
relationship, and now he wants to run away from Kym. Steele, your brain just got a HOLE-IN-ONE!
Sexy Status Report: Skip
is completely in love with Theresa
because Theresa lets him shower with her and he likes
how it feels when her thick black eyelash bricks tickle his forehead.
wants to move from Kym
, even though there's nothing
wrong between him and Kym. Steele is just an ass, and asses need to wear
a new pair every single day. Or, in Steele's ass-case, every other day:Sam
can't figure out if they
aren't meant to be, or if they are SO meant to be that they're already
like an old married couple. (It's the first one. it's been like 3 days,
you guys!) Derek
can smell Sam
's unhappy pheromones and even though he
thinks Jess is OK enough to kiss in the private Oasis
pool, he wants to
hit those beautiful bushy 'brows.
It's at this point that I would like to declare, or more like promise to
myself, that if I actually find my heart genuinely caring about the
status of any of these couples at the end of this show, I will reassess my life and move to a cave. On SNAKE ISLAND.
walks in to their room to discover that Jason
himself in a comforter inside a tiny cradle. JASON! The cradle is where Baby Jessica is
supposed to sleep! But no, Jason's rocking the cradle, from which
he decides to profess his love to Baby Jessica. This comes on too
strong for our precious little infant, who says, "if you can manage to
make me feel awkward, you've done something absurd." BJ, when you right,
. Jason is COMPLETELY absurd! And you look absolutely adorable in your Christening headband!
(Retail supervisor of a Gymboree/Build-A-Bear outlet combo?)
It's Couples' Choice Ceremony time, so everyone prepares as though
they're going to the MTV Music Awards (as a valet/cocktail waitress).
It's time to declare monogamy, find a new frog to kiss/hump/hate, or get perma-dumped and leave, sorry and single, forever.
THE CHOOSING OF THE MATES:
Jess and Derek had a great time at the Oasis
, so they would like to stay together. Skip and
Theresa would also like to remain in the Ken and Barbie Dreamhouse of
their hearts. Mike and Samantha stick it out through their rough patch
as well. The dominoes stay upright, for now...
Miles decides he'd like to switch from Erika back to Heather, and
Heather's smile speaks for itself. Romeo and Juliet, reunited, IN LIFE, NOT IN DEATH!
Erika asks Steele if he'd like to be her new man, and he's got a tough
call to make: Doom Kym to certain death and save himself, or fall down
into the lava with Kym? He decides to leave Kym for Erika, but Kym has
read "He's Just Not That Into You," so she handles it with cold, cold
grace. Jason is REALLY Twofer-ing it tonight, with his genius glasses
and sweater/tie combo.
Baby Jessica is wooed by Jason's nerd glasses
to stick around and "explore things" with him. (She just wasn't
impressed with her other two options: Ben and Chinstrap.)
Ben asks Brandee to stick it out with him (Gross! NEVER stick ANYTHING
out with or at Ben!), and she reluctantly agrees -- finally showing her
first signs of consciousness.
So happy content satisfied managing surviving togetherrrrrrr...
That means Chinstrap and Kym must put their bracelets in the bowl and
get the hell out. Kym is really upset that Steele chose Erika, and
immediately relates the experience to how every man on Earth will end up
letting you down. Chinstrap is more hopeful, saying he will take the
profound lessons he learned here and apply them to finding a mate at
home. If you live where Chinstrap lives, watch out for canoes full of
snakes, ladies! (Or just never say yes to a man with a chinstrap. Yes.
Yes, that's a better rule to live by.)
What did you think of tonight's episode? Are you enjoying making fun of this hot jungle mess as much as I am?
Snakes make way for ornery horses on a trail of tears (the silly, pointless, love-related kind), and Steele continues have a mind like an unsteel trap.
(Image courtesy of NBC)