'Gossip Girl' Wrap-Up: If "They" Don't Shoot Humphreys, I'd Like to Volunteer
'Gossip Girl' Wrap-Up: If "They" Don't Shoot Humphreys, I'd Like to Volunteer
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Tonight on Gossip Girl: New alliances form, while others disintegrate under the pressure of so many text-lies and e-bites. Serena and Blair make up, but don't make out, while trapped in an elevator. Nate has nothing better to do than to deliver Chuck's mail and relive his high school "epic"-ness by escorting Jenny at Cotillion. Eric and Blair see the Franken-mess they've created in one Jenny Humphrey, and they try to take her down, but it's too late--this monster is bigger, stronger, and more devoid of human emotion than anyone could have imagined, and she's got no sympathy for casualties under her evil, half-gloved hand. Including Jonathan, who breaks up with Eric for "sinking to Jenny's level." Plus, Serena is well on her way to earning the elusive "Skank Triple Crown" via a political scandal with congressman Tripp Vanderbilt, who is apparently above lying about a drowning hoax, but not above hiring an 18-year-old to whom he is overwhelmingly sexually attractive. 

Oh yeah, and there's a threesome. Involving none of the above persons... and three people I once thought would be above such a drunken, sloppy mistake. I mean "adventure"! But hey, that's college. Or so Gossip Girl wants us to believe!

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Best Moments:

eric-rules.jpgEric van der Woodsen. Indulge me in a small rant here, if you will. Thank you! So here's what bothers me about Jenny's evilness: it came on too abruptly. One day she was preaching liberty and respect to the Constance masses, and the next she was pouring yogurt on her own brother in order to retain a "queen"-ship she never really wanted in the first place. Nothing life-altering happened; one day, Jenny Humphrey just woke up and decided she'd rather be a rich uber-bitch than a rich normal human being.

"How am I supposed to relate to this character?" I kept thinking. "Am I supposed to understand her sudden motivation to trade decency and values for a false, fleeting sense of power and three interchangeable, parasitic minions?" Because really, I just wanted to hate her newly inhuman guts, all logical character development be damned.

So I was relieved when Eric brought it all into perspective tonight with a little Star Wars wisdom: none of us can really, truly understand that crucial turning point when the Anakins we once knew become the Darth Vaders we grow to fear and loathe in life. It's too dark a place for us to visit with our whole, reasonably-thinking brains. All we can do is fight off the ugliness as much as we can, and try not to get sucked in while we're at it.

Poor Eric didn't accomplish much in his plan to bring Jenny back to life; in fact, he ended up solidifying her reign and losing Jonathan in the process. But I don't think Eric is on his way to the dark side--instead, I hope we're seeing the beginning of a real Good versus Evil battle forming between the step-siblings, and I've got all my chips on Eric, because he really did show some wicked scheming skills tonight, all with a benevolent end in mind. Who needs evil for evil's sake?
 
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The threesome. Dan, Olivia... and Vanessa? Talk about an "endless night"! (Because of how time doesn't fly when you're having gross.) Sure, it's a terrifying mental image (which I hear will be more fully filled-in next Monday...) but I got a major kick out of the fact that this menage a trois wasn't motivated by revenge, manipulation, or blind lust... but by a LIST of things to do in the college newspaper. How true to life is that? More than we might initially think: it wasn't super steamy; it was awkward and half-hearted. As I would imagine most threesomes between 18-year-olds would be. It showed just how desperate each of them is to embrace "the college experience" at the expense of personal agency or foresight... and just how dumb Dan Humphrey really is. Nothing good can come from boning your girlfriend and your best friend at the same time. NOTHING. And I can't wait to grab some popcorn and watch this blow up in Dan's face. Props to Gossip Girl for taking this threesome from cheap stunt to hilarious plot development.

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Serena and Blair's reconciliation. Chuck and Nate working together to help these two make up? Adorable, and reminiscent of Season 1, when these kids actually, you know... hung out. Chuck leaving whiskey and macaroons in the storage compartment of the elevator (single malt for Serena, macaroons for Blair, obviously) was an even more classic touch. But the part that took the cake was Serena's self-aware moment: "I can't seem to get anything right anymore," and Blair's renewed vote of confidence in her BFF. Too bad Serena's gonna break it by sleeping with Tripp, after she just promised she wouldn't.

Best Quotes:

Chuck: You really think I want to spend my weekend watching women with tramp stamps work out their daddy issues? [YES! You're Chuck Bass!]

Dan: We haven't had sex with someone we never want to see again. Actually, I kind of did that with Georgina. [Is that why they counted that item as accomplished when they told Olivia they'd already done 14 of the 15 items on the list?]

Blair: It's just a shame. You know how i feel about your potential.

Blair: This is not like your wedding day. Cotillion only happens once!

Serena: These are probably the last people New York who still think you matter.

Jenny: Actually Blair, since I'm Queen of Constance and Graham Collins wants to go with me, I don't think I need you anymore. Your era is over. And so is that headband.

Chuck: Basically how each one loves the other more than the other loves her.
Nate: Can you even fight about that?

Blair: Because girls like her run emotional Ponzi schemes!

Endless Knights Nerd #2 to Dan: He means you can kiss your credit rating goodbye. Nice v-neck.

Blair: I'm trapped in an elevator with someone who sucks all the air out of the room! Send help or I'll be dead within the hour.

Gossip Girl: Jenny Humphrey went to a ball, Jenny Humphrey had a great fall, and none of her mentors, minions or friends, wanted to put Jenny together again.

Chuck: If you two want to kiss, it won't count as cheating.

The Episode's Worsts:

Serena/Tripp. Give me a breeeeeeak. A new congressman hires a recently topless tabloid staple/college drop-out whose most recent "work" assignment was boinking a movie star as his "media relations rep"? And he tells her it's because he thinks she is SMART? And then, even after verbally ADMITTING he wants to Monica Lewinsky it up with her, doesn't accept her resignation, because he--here comes the BIG twist--REALLY DOES trust her and think she is smart?  "We're both adults. We'll just agree to keep things friendly and professional." I just... no. JUST. NO. I am thiiis close to starting an online petition asking Gossip Girl to ban political storylines. I cannot suspend my disbelief hard enough.

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THOSE GLOVES! Hey Jenny, some stranded Mt. Everest climber called. He wants his horrifyingly frostbitten hand back. [Sorry.]

Gossip Girl: "Nobody puts Jenny in the corner. And now she's having the time of her life." Nuh uh, GG. Jenny ain't no Baby, Nate ain't no Johnny, and you don't get to do that. Let's all agree to leave the pure brilliance that is Dirty Dancing (and other classic 80's films, please) out of this, okay?

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Speaking of classic movies... Just how far are they going to push this mafia don/queen bee comparison? Because it's horribly and laughably inaccurate, and I don't like it. I've seen The Godfather, and the five families are not fighting about who is the best ballroom dancer and who has the best date. SPOILER ALERT: they're fighting about drug rings, and who killed whose first-born son. It's kind of a whole-other-level f'ed up, and it just makes the queen thing look even stupider.

Burning Questions from the episode:

  • Why did Chuck set up Blair to think Serena wanted to apologize at the debutante party, when she wanted nothing of the sort?
  • Why haven't Rufus and Lily staged an intervention for Jenny? Why don't they recognize her new ugly-evil-face?
  • All it takes to change an escort at Cotillion is a card handed to the announcer at the last minute?
  • HOW WILL ERIC TAKE DOWN JENNY? And will it be as awesome as I totally hope it will be?
  • Will we ever see Nate at college?
  • Since when doesn't Chuck like watching tramp-stamped girls writhe on poles? (Or was he just saying that?)
  • Again: Tripp likes Serena because she is... smart?




-Meghan Carlson, BuddyTV Staff Writer
Images courtesy of the CW


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