FINALLY, we find out how everyone, including the Pavelka, reacted to
Jake's "shocking" elimination. Did Jake let his Dark Passenger take over
and turn the Bachelor Pad
into Murder Mansion?
Unfortunately not. Instead, Jake tries to go out with dignity, and does,
kind of (depending on whether you think he's a creepy weirdo or not).
He looks at the group and says "We had a chance to do something really
big and really special, but it didn't happen." I don't know if I'd call
anything that happens on Bachelor Pad
"big" or "special," but point
taken, Jake: they SHOULD have taken out the power couple when they had
the chance. We've known this forever. But that doesn't mean you should have stayed or won, either.
Jake ends his little speech with the ultimate revenge: Kindness.
"Kasey, amazing meeting you. Vienna, my apologies. My heart, forgiven."
Syntax issues aside, a classy(ish?) way to go.
In the limo going away from the Bachelor mansion forever (WE HOPE), Jake
says he's happy to be away from that "f*cking crazy house." But the real "f*cking crazy house" is Jake's FACE. Because everyone knows the face is the front door to your brain's house.
If Jake's face is the door to his brain's house, his brain lives in a SPOOKY HAUNTED MANSION!
Kasey is feeling extra-smug that his "plan" worked, and he's got his own
farewell words of wisdom for his girlfriend's ex-fiance: "Well guess
what? You're a jackass, dude. Go kick rocks." Then, he does that classic
reality show ironic thing where the sentence in which you choose to say about
how smart you are is the exact same sentence in which you pronounce a
word incorrectly: "I'm the strongest strat-EEE-gist." Hahaha! Works
Vienna thanks the group for eliminating Jake "for her." It's so
condescending that the half that voted for Jake now wish that they
hadn't, and the half that didn't wish that they could stab her in her
smug, crossed eyes. Way to go, Vienna! Very efficient way of reminding
everyone that you were engaged to Jake for a reason
: because you're the only one who
could manage to look worse than him at all times.
The Challenge: Kiss and Hell, Revisited
It's the kissing contest again. Chris Harrison prepares the group by
saying that the folks on Bachelor Pad
1 said this was their favorite
competition by far. And remember how terrible and stupid THOSE people
were? The Season 2 group is sure to love this one!
Kasey says he's out, because he thinks all the other girls are gross and
Vienna would kill him if he kissed them. (Mostly just that second
thing.) Michelle actually refuses to do the challenge for a legitimate
reason (if you ignore the whole "going on Bachelor Pad
in the first
place" thing): She wants to be a good example for her six-year-old
daughter. Michael is nervous to kiss Holly for the first time since they
broke up. Everyone is so busy feeling feelings that they forget to
brush their teeth. If you're gonna go gross, just go gross all the way,
The Men's Kiss-Off:
The boys kiss Holly first. William gives her a peck because he's
kissed a girl before
worried about pissing off Michael. Michael is next,
and he gives her a short, sweet one. Kirk, Kasey and Graham play it
safe in front of Mike, too. But then it gets to Blake the snake --
"number five" -- who grabs her by the chin, shoves his forked tongue in
there something fierce and really gives her "the motion of the ocean,"
says Michael. Still tasting his venom, Holly votes for Blake.
Melissa is up next. She hates Blake, but she votes for him because she
thinks his passionate kiss shows that he still has feelings for her.
QUESTION FOR THE MEN: Hello, man. Thank you for reading this recap! It
is great but also weird that you are here. And here is my question for
you: Am I right that Melissa is the physical embodiment of "guy
repellant"? Every time I look at her, all I see is a big red sign in my
brain saying, "IF YOU WANT A GUY TO LIKE YOU, DO NOT
Ella votes for Blake too. "It was one of those baby-makin' kisses," our
Southern Mama Bear says. When it's Vienna's turn, everyone gives her a
peck so as not to inflict Kasey's frog-wrath. Kasey gives Vienna a good
ol' fashioned "you're my laaaady" smooch, and Vienna votes for Kasey.
The Women's Kiss-Off:
We are treated (?) to a lenghty montage of Ella kissing all the guys
like she's a professor at Mackin' University. Then, for disgusting
comparison's sake, we get to watch Erica hoover their mouths off with her
Kirk can't decide if he's grossed out or amused by
that kiss from Erica, which he calls "aggressive."
"And a little sloppy."
"And her boobs were touching me."
What Really Happened When Erica Kissed Blake Vienna's Dramatic Reenactment
Everyone agrees that Kasey has bad breath. When you feel your hatred for him start to overwhelm your soul, just remember that and smile.
What Really Happened When Holly Kissed Kasey Vienna's Overdramatic Display of Jealousy
When Michael is blindfolded, he thinks his kiss with Holly is a sign that they are back in love: "We slipped
right back into it, we remembered how to kiss each other, and we did
it." Even Ella says that SHE could feel the passion between them.
Blake is up next, and even with the blindfold on he looks like a smug
a**hole. Holly goes in for the kill. Even though kissing
Michael felt "natural" (whomp whomp
), kissing Blake is new, exciting
and dangerous. Like a gun you just bought but don't know how to use! "I didn't want to stop, I just wanted to keep
goin'!" Holly proclaims. This is the beginning of the end, my friends.
Well, I guess that's also the end of the kissing contest. I have to say that I'm relieved. It seemed grosser and more prolonged last season. Maybe I'm just hardened and jaded since then, but it seems like this time around, it was more ... business? Whatever the difference, I'm grateful for small favors. And minimal lip sound effects.
With an "overwhelming" number of votes, Ella
the kissing contest. Michael is upset -- he's worried this opens up
Blake to make a move on Holly. Which it does, very directly: The prizes this week are two "romantic
one-on-one dates" for the winners. Ella says, "My son would be very
proud." Of his mother. Who is on a dating reality show spinoff. That celebrates
greed, promiscuity and sexual manipulation. What son WOULDN'T be proud?
Ella's Date: They, Like Whether We Care About Them or Not, Are "Up in the Air"
Ella asks Kirk, her game and hopefully sex-partner, to go on the date
with her. They speed away from their mansion/prison in a red convertible, and I get PTSD:
Remember when Elizabeth and Jessie made out on someone else's yellow
convertible last season? And how horrifically disgusting that was?
Back at the Pad:
William pouts like a five-year-old when he sees the car, and once again is
filled with sadness and regret that he didn't handle things differently.
Kissing is the new standup comedy. And William is terrible at both. I
can't believe he's single. Ladiessss!
Melissa thinks that since Blake came crawling back and asked her to be
his partner last week, that means she's actually his partner and that he's taking her on the date. Also
because when she says "we're gonna go on this date," he doesn't
contradict her. But he does mumble something about being unsure.
realizes that Blake's constant pained frown when he's around her DOES MEAN that he can't stand the sight/sound/touch of her,
and that he might not take her on this date. She's furious. "I don't
want you to get emotional about this," he says, and feeds her some B.S.
about him "positioning" them as a team inside the game. (More like positioning his you-know-what inside of you-know-who's you-know-WHAT.) Saying "don't get emotional" to Melissa is like saying "don't be
constantly high on painkillers" to Erica. It's not gonna happen; you can't fight nature. And even
Melissa, whose brain is so full of feelings that there's really no room
for logic, knows that if she was really
Blake's partner like he keeps saying, he'd take her on a date, give her a rose and save her. It's a
no-brainer. But Blake would rather take Holly on the date, and now he's
worried that HE'LL be the no-brainer. (Because Melissa will
eat/stab/talk his to death.)
Back on the date:
Kirk and Ella sit down to a carpet picnic in the house
where the Bachelor(ette) usually stays, much like the one that Ashley
and JP shared last season on The Bachelorette
. Ella tells Kirk about her
son, much like she did when she dated Jake on The Bachelor.
Ella about his mold poisoning, much like he did when he dated Ali on The
I feel like I've known and been bored by these two
Ella gives Kirk the rose and says they're
going to "rock it!" Then they go outside and ride in a hot air balloon
that has conveniently been set up in their back yard. They fly into the
air and, fire burning in the balloon AND their loins, make out under the
moon. But even this grand romantic display doesn't sell me on them as a couple. It's a house of lies, but there are some things you just can't fake.
Back at the Pad:
Erica tries to bribe Blake into taking her on the date
by giving him a massage. When he's naked, lubed up and unable to escape,
Erica's enormous fake breasts offer to be his new partners.
Melissaaaaa, come and be with ussssss," the boobs hissed like those two scary
eels that follow Ursula around in The Little Mermaid.
"You make some
compelling arguments," Blake says sarcastically to the boobs. "Well, we ARE in law
school," the boobs reply, unaware that Blake is mocking their hardened, lopsided
Melissa still thinks that Blake is going to take her on the date.
Melissa thinks a lot of wrong things. Blake announces his decision, and all of a sudden his propensity for big words just seems like a crutch he uses in order to never actually SAY ANYTHING: "I haven't exactly played the game
as... linear... as other people, err, uhh, and looking toward winning
this thing... uh, I would like to extend an invitation to Holly." Melissa's face is set to MURDER:
"That's f*cked up."
Holly accepts the date. Melissa asks Blake for an explanation and he says, "I ... uh ... um." Good explanation! Melissa runs upstairs and sobs. "I would rather be alone forever than feel
pain like that," she proclaims, instantly losing all sympathy with her complete lack of perspective.
"Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves. But Melissa wears her
emotions on every article of clothing she owns. Including her hair tie. And her panties. All of it," says
Michelle, who continues to be the best. Only the best would be able to
comfort Melissa right now, and that's what Michelle does. Blake tries to reason with Melissa. She calls
him a "sociopath" and tells him to f*ck off. "I've made a huge mistake,"
Blake. But his face is perma-set to SMUG:
PUNCH IT! PUNCH IT WITH A CREME PIE!
Melissa's new mission is to make sure Blake gets eliminated, but she's
the most inelegant game player in the history of every game ever. So in her effort to rally support, she
tells Michael that Holly "doesn't give a sh*t" about him. Then she tells
Erica that Blake thinks she's "useless." Then she accuses Holly of
violating girl code, and then she murders a container of yogurt, stirring it too vigorously as she complains to anyone who will listen that Blake is a douche. She even hunts down BLAKE to talk about what a douche Blake is, but he can't talk because he's busy brushing
his teeth with the same intensity that Melissa does everything. At least he can take pride in the fact that he's winning the battle of who could care less.
Blake's Date: Dumber and Dumber, Dumber-er
Blake and Holly bond over how she hates the house right now, and the
house hates him. Well, except Holly. She likes Blake, and she's excited that they get to go
on a private jet to... somewhere. Doesn't matter, because wherever it is, it's
far away from Mayor Michelle's Crazy Town.
Holly is suddenly less excited when she learns they'll be skiing, because she
doesn't know how. I have some genuine sympathy for the girl. Learning
how to ski is painful enough without having all of your falls broadcast on
national television. But at least they put her in an adorable outfit. Usually she's Helen of Troy Barbie, but today she's Skiing Barbie.
Blake and Holly have chemistry and are all smiles during their date. The
music swells as they wrestle and snowball fight like
that scene in Dumb and Dumber.
It's cute that they like each other (I
guess), but that still doesn't change that Blake is a smarmy jackass and
Holly either is dumb or just constantly acts dumbs. Hard to know which
is worse. My self-protective apathy shield is starting to take over, because I know this is just setting the stage for a three-way crying-fest.
After skiiing, Blake asks Holly "what the deal is" with Michael. She
said that things with them are "changing." (Michael's feelings for her
are growing back like a phantom limb. A fist. A GHOST fist! That would
like to punch Blake in his stupid perfect teeth for stealing his WOMAN!)
Blake doesn't really care about Michael at this point. He gives Holly
the rose, and they kiss. Apathy shield fully activated. Meanwhile, back at the Pad:
First he looks into the sun. Then he looks
into the fireplace. Then he looks into his heart, and Michael realizes
that he still loves Holly.
The other men wait up with Michael, and at
1:45am he realizes that Blake and Holly aren't coming back. "I can't
believe that she wouldn't consider my feelings at all, and be like, I
went on the overnight with another dude." Kirk and Graham do the good, bro-ly thing and offer him some whiskey. It's a hell of a torture chamber, but at least there's free booze!
MEANWHILE, BACK AT SNOWSEX MOUNTAIN ...
We watch as Blake and Holly passionately
kiss in front of the fire in their cozy snowswept cabin. Holly giggles.
The light goes out. It's basically a Kay Jewelry commercial, and we all
know what happens in those scenes after the camera cuts away! (Every
kiss begins with Kay. And ends with PREGNANCY.)
The next morning, Michael is still counting the hours since Holly left
on her date. It's been 24+ hours! That is too many hours! And he is more in love with her than ever.
"I just want to KISS. HER. FACE!" he says. It sounds more threatening
than he means it -- he's just really on edge since she's still not home
When they get back, Blake and Holly try to play it cool and say nothing
happened. Michael goes running, literally, to hug her. He wastes no
time, and sits her down to tell her his feelings: "I don't ever want
that again. I missed you so much. I didn't sleep at all last night. I
think one of the biggest things I've learn is that you are irreplaceable,
Holly." Is that music from The Notebook
I hear? "I've fallen back in love with
you," he tells her.
"You said you didn't want to be back together," is her weak defense.
Michael asks if anything happened on the date, and she says that they kissed.
"Once." (Does 30 straight minutes without unlocking lips still count as
"once"?) Michael is heartbroken. Holly feels guilty and confused. She
just wanted to enjoy her first date since she and Michael broke up. "It
was just nice to see that there are other people out there, but there's
so much history with Michael." Now she doesn't know what to DO!
The Manipulation Marathon
Oh, great, it's time for my least favorite part of Bachelor Pad
everyone gets all fancy and dolled up so they can show off their inner
ugliness as they decide who to vote out. We're back to the traditional
voting: Boys vote out the girls, girls vote out the boys and one of each
For the fourth week in a row, once again the question is "Kasey or
Someone Else?" Tonight's weakling in the duel is William. Kasey hears
that he is endangered, and is prepared with a doozy of a bullsh*t story:
"The money is necessary for my grandma to live."
HAHAHAHA! There has seriously not been enough Kasey in this episode. His douchery is unparalleled. But he has a way with these idiots who are his companions. He even manages to use his amphibian voodoo to convince Melissa to
vote for William.
We watch as girl after girl votes for WIlliam. Ding Dong! That's your
nickname, but it's also the sound of Death ringing the doorbell. Coming for you.
Michael and Holly continue to talk and talk and talk about whether or
not they should get back together. She loves him but she doesn't know
and he loves her but she kissed that other guy and they love and miss
each other so much but they're also glad they broke up and OH DEAR GOD
how many minutes have I been witness to their indecision so far tonight?
3,000? Is it 3,000? It feels like at least 3,000.
Melissa finds out that some of the men are voting for her because she
has "too much emotion." (Which is code for the fact that she is batsh*t insane. Ladiessss!
When you feel the feelings box opening up too wide, just eat some chocolate and lock it down
Melissa finds out that people have been LYING TO HER (!!!) about whether
they're voting for her or not, and she goes NUTS. Kasey explains to us that he only lied to her because he was afraid she'd "rip his nuts off." For once, I don't blame him. She's being very
crazy, running around,
hyperventilating, repeatedly asking the guys, "Who are you voting for?
Who are you voting for? Do you like me? I hate you I love you I HATE YOU! Who are you voting for?"
WHY DOESN'T ANYONE LIKE MEEEEEEEE?
What would a chihuahua be like if it contracted
a rare form a rabies that made you rabid ... for REASSURANCE? (Oooh, Hollywood idea!) That is what Melissa is like. Graham sees her coming
and literally says aloud, "Oh God, tell this girl to get away from me."
YES, TEAM GRAHAM 4 LYFE.
The Rose Ceremony
Melissa is sure she's going home. I sure hope she's right. William
thinks he's going home, too -- he's been in the game four weeks and he's
still not completely solid on the rules.
Blake, Kirk, Ella and Holly have roses. Blake hands out roses to: Graham, Michelle, Michael and Vienna.
That leaves it between Erica and Melissa for the women, and Kasey and William for the men.
ELIMINATED: William and Melissa.
Michelle cries that "salt of the earth" William got booted, especially
while someone cold and selfish like Blake gets to stay. In the limo, William cries
too! "I love those guys, even if I did get voted off." Aww, Ding Dong.
Did you even know you were IN a game?
Faced with her elimination, does Melissa finally learn that you can't
constantly impose your emotional frailty and raging insecurities on
around you? You betcha NO! She has a complete sobbing meltdown in the
limo. Maybe she actually does that so she doesn't have to say anything.
Aww, Melissa. At least you
Next Week: left with dignity changed public opinion about yourself made some friends got to be on TV for a little while.
Melissa gets her dying wish, and everyone hates Blake! Especially Michael, who sees him kissing Holly. Ohhh, it is ON now!
(Images courtesy of ABC)