Finally we get our first not-sucky performance by the FootWorKINGs. You know they're going to be good because we get a sob story about how they're from the streets and want to prove that talent can come from anywhere. They do some fancy footwork and dancing which I guess is OK, but the audience is freaking out like they're the Beatles. These guys wouldn't even make the finals of America's Best Dance Crew
, but they might be OK as back-up dancers for Rihanna.
Next it's time for the children of the corn, a four-person brother/sister singing group from Wisconsin called Shine. They smile and say things like "golly" and "gee." It's the most absurdly creepy thing ever, mostly because I didn't realize Mormons lived in Wisconsin. They sing and dance poorly and the audience boos loudly. Huzzah, this audience is booing a bunch of cheery, good-hearted people who want nothing more than to spread cheer. And they said cynicism died after 9/11.
They're followed by more crappy idiots. So 30 minutes in and we've seen one not horrible audition. I'm going to spend the night coming up with an America's Got Talent
drinking game, because that's the only way anyone can survive this show.
The only thing worse than a presidential impersonator is one who does comedy, singing and dancing. Let's welcome a President Obama impersonator who does just that. He actually doesn't look or sound like Obama at all, nor is he funny or a good dancer or a good singer. Basically, he fails on every imaginable level. He also does impressions of James Brown, Ray Charles, Little Richard, and a bunch of other generic black singers who've been impersonated much better by the cast of In Living Color
Yet somehow he gets through, as do a bunch of inner city drummers called Black Fire Percussion. Proving fake percussion is as good as real percussion, a beatboxer makes it through too. So do a bunch of young girl steppers. Color me unimpressed, because I guess I just set my bar a lot higher when we're talking about giving away one million dollars.
Finally we get our first older, unattractive lady. Is this our Susan Boyle? Probably not, since she does animal sounds. Sharon correctly buzzes her as soon as she opens her mouth. The animal parade continues with a golfing pony, only the pony isn't very good. Piers buzzes him to put the pony out of it's misery. I think he wants to turn it into glue.
The animal trio ends with a man and his dog named Rockin' Rory. The dog catches a bunch of frisbees while jumping around, and this is allegedly amazing. I'm sorry for being a hater, but dogs cannot be talented because they don't possess the capacity for rational thought. That's like rewarding a baby for taking perfectly spherical dumps - it has no idea that what it's doing is special. The judges must love dogs more than me, because they put the dog through. Maybe if he's lucky Piers will serve Rockin' Rory some Golfing Pony Dog Food.
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