If you believe the rumors, then Charlie Sheen is dead to Two and a Half Men. Literally dead. Reports are surfacing that the hit CBS show intends to kill off the character of Charlie Harper, effectively ending any chance at all of the star’s return.

It may not happen. But if it does, how should Two and a Half Men kill Charlie?

WARNING: The following article is morbid and exhibits dark, possibly tasteless humor. Please do not continue reading if you are prone to taking things seriously and then getting mad at the writer. Thank you.

Granted, Charlie Harper may not die. According to a report from TMZ.com, Chuck Lorre (Two and a Half Men creator and frequent Sheen antagonist) is planning to kill off his former main character. The death would most likely happen off-screen, and we would only see the reaction of the surviving Harper relations.

This could all get rewritten, of course, sending Charlie off to a tropical island or a farm upstate instead. But we’re just going to assume the macabre and go with the death scenario. In this case, the challenge is going to be finding a death that is both final (easy) and funny (less easy).

Here are some ideas:

Charlie got sick really fast and died.
Pros: It’s easy.
Cons: It’s boring. And less believable for Charlie Sheen’s character than anything self-induced.

Charlie was murdered by Ashton Kutcher’s new character.
Pros: Talk about interesting! How do Alan and Jake Harper live with their brother’s murderer? Do they even know? Do they care?
Cons: I somehow doubt that Two and a Half Men is adventurous or creative enough to pull this off. Now, if we were talking about Community

Charlie went on vacation in a war zone, where he was killed by a “Torpedo of Truth.”
Pros: Ah, irony!
Cons: Didn’t Charlie Sheen copyright that phrase? I doubt he’d allow Two and a Half Men to use it.

Charlie dies from over-exertion during an orgy.
Pros: It’s totally in-character and kind of amusing.
Cons: That might be a little racy for a “family” show. Even a family show that used to feature Charlie Sheen.

After an accident, Charlie needs a blood transfusion. He then dies of shock when, in a wacky mix up, doctors transfuse the man with tiger blood.
Pros: It’s almost believable, and sitcom viewers always like giggling at the most obvious jokes.
Cons: A lot of explanation and more potential copyright issues.

Charlie drives a car off a cliff.
Pros: This is the rumored demise planned for Charlie Sheen’s character.
Cons: It’s been done. By Charlie Sheen.

How would you kill off Charlie Harper on Two and a Half Men? Should the show leave the possibility of a Charlie Sheen return open? Exactly how sick is it to plot fictional death? Let us know what you think!

(Image courtesy of CBS)

Laurel Brown

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

Laurel grew up in Mamaroneck, NY, Grosse Pointe, MI and Bellevue WA. She then went on to live in places like Boston, Tucson, Houston, Wales, Tanzania, Prince Edward Island and New York City before heading back to Seattle. Ever since early childhood, when she became addicted to The Muppet Show, Laurel has watched far too much TV. Current favorites include ChuckModern FamilySupernaturalMad Men and Community. Laurel received a BA in Astrophysics (yes, that is possible) from Colgate University and a PhD in Middle Eastern Studies and History of Science from Columbia University before she realized that television is much better than studying.