This week’s True Blood is like one of those sandwiches Dagwood used to make in the funny pages. It’s packed with so much stuff that it’s almost impossible to wrap your head around. I feel like True Blood would really benefit from a little editing and it could easily drop one or two or three of these storylines. Luckily Mac from Veronica Mars shows up and tells Bill and Eric to take their shirts off, which more than makes up for any problems.

Salome’s Sex Games

Bill and Eric are released to find and kill Russell Edgington, but first they meet a tech geek played by Tina Majorino, aka Mac from Veronica Mars. Mac (not her character’s name, but it might as well be) orders Bill and Eric to remove their shirts, always a good start. She straps on iStakes, clever devices that arm wooden-tipped stakes at their hearts which can be triggered via iPhone (there’s an app for that) or if the device is tampered with.

With their iStakes in place, Salome begins her version of interrogations. First she seduces Bill and gets him to have sex with her, then she reveals to Eric that she knows Nora is his sister, ultimately sleeping with him too. Salome is living up to the history of her name, even if she claims a lot of it was made up, because she slept with both men to determine where their true allegiances lied.

Salome ends the night by sleeping with the Guardian, revealing that neither Bill nor Eric are Sanguinistas. The Guardian, however, learned that Nora is a Sanguinista after torturing her.

How Eric Met Bill

In another flashback to Pam’s pre-vampire days, Eric stops by her brothel in 1905 and wants to spend the night with her. Pam doesn’t like the idea, but then she decides to use Eric to help prevent more of her girls from being killed by vampires.

Bill and his maker, Lorena, are also visiting Pam’s brothel and draining a girl. Eric rushes in to stop this, and we learn this is the first time Eric and Bill crossed paths. It’s quite awesome that Pam is the reason they met, and while young vampire Bill is eager for a fight, Lorena advises him to respect the older vampire.

That night Pam and Eric sleep together and she begs him to turn her into a vampire so she can be spared becoming an old whore. He refuses because being a Maker is a very important role and comes with a lot of responsibility, something that strikes a chord with present-day Pam. To force his hand, old Pam slit her wrists so Eric would have to turn her.

The Tara Problem

Vampire Tara is on the loose and she almost kills a random woman, which leads her to Sam for help. He locks her in the walk-in freezer at Merlotte’s, but Lafayette and Sookie figure it out the next day. That night Tara escapes in front of Arlene and Alcide, so the big secret is officially out.

Tara still wants nothing to do with Sookie and Lafayette, and she’s angry that they turned her into a vampire. So Tara runs off to a tanning salon, lies down and turns on the bed, letting the UV light burn her to a crisp. As she does this, Pam hears her screams.

Jason’s Origin Story

While shopping for pickles, Jason bumps into his old high school teacher, and because she’s female, this ends with him going back to her place for sex.

It turns out she took Jason’s virginity back when he was her student, and she thinks that was wrong, but he thinks that it was just swell. Or at least he does before he sleeps with her again. After that, he finally realizes that, even though a teenage boy having sex with his sexy teacher sounds awesome, it pretty much screwed him up for the rest of his life and it’s the reason he’s unable to have meaningful relationships with women.

Jessica Smells Something Nice

Jessica is buying dresses when a guy walks into the store and she notices how delicious he smells. That might have something to do with the fact that this is the new Claude, aka the fairy who helped Sookie escape at the start of last season. He runs away, but she follows him to a wide open field, the same field where Sheriff Andy hooked up with a fairy last season, but Claude is gone, though his cotton candy aroma remains.

Jessica immediately goes to Jason to deal with how aroused she got over the smell, but Jason refuses because he realized he has a hole in his heart he fills with sex, and that’s wrong, so Jessica agrees to be his friend without benefits.

The Search for Debbie Pelt

Debbie’s parents show up in town to talk to Sheriff Andy Bellefleur about that missing daughter. They go to see Alcide, and even though he learns her car was left near Sookie’s house, he covers, saying that Debbie was back on V and sleeping with Marcus, so he doesn’t know what happened to her.

At least he doesn’t until he goes to see Sookie, finds out that Tara is a vampire and forces her to tell her the truth. Needless to say he’s not too happy about the girl he kinda likes killing his ex and covering it up.

The New Nan and More

As if all of the above wasn’t enough for one episode, there were a handful of additional scenes and plot developments.

-Steve Newlin is the new Nan Flanagan, handling the press on behalf of the Authority.

-While cooking gumbo, Lafayette’s body is temporarily taken over by the scary demon witch thing he turned into last season and he pours bleach into the food. Lafayette snaps out of it quickly and dumps it out, horrified by what he did.

-Andy and Holly agree to go steady despite the fact that her kids put that photo of his naked butt on Facebook.

-Hoyt goes goth (complete with guyliner and a mesh top) to visit Fangtasia to try and get over his break-up with Jessica.

-Terry tells Arlene that he’s leaving with Patrick to deal with that mysterious thing he won’t tell her about.

Next week on True Blood: Bill and Eric are finally back in town. And Sookie and Jason finally share a scene together.

(Image courtesy of HBO)

John Kubicek

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

John watches nearly every show on TV, but he specializes in sci-fi/fantasy like The Vampire DiariesSupernatural and True Blood. However, he can also be found writing about everything from Survivor and Glee to One Tree Hill and Smallville.