Andi Dorfman is down to her final three potential husbands on the 10th season of The Bachelorette, which means it’s time to undress the elephant in the room. Enter: the Fantasy Suite.
It’s that magical week when our guys and gals can escape the confines of 24-hour surveillance and venture into the unknown parts of each other’s bodies. It’s where men are made and boys are revealed.
And since our remaining three suitors are all very different individuals, I expect that translates to the bedroom as well. So here are my pseudo-educated guesses as to what kind of lover each is in the sack. Let me know if you agree or disagree in the comments section below.
I imagine Nick to be the self-confident, somewhat cocky “you first” lover who aims to please and asks for feedback about everything he does. He makes sure you’re satisfied, but also that you know he’s the one who did it.
Josh is a bit more macho, and he probably likes to pound you into submission while staring at (and possibly high-fiving) himself in a mirror. You might be there, but it’s really all about him and how he looks while he’s doing it.
Chris, meanwhile, is all smooch, “I love you,” smooch, “I love you,” smooch, “I love you.” Like he probably calls it making love. Now on to the dates, so we can see whether or not we find out if I’m right.
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Bienvenidos a la Republica Dominicana
Andi checks in at the Paradisus Punta Cana Hotel in the Dominican Republic as her journey for love nears its conclusion. She sits on her couch and writes some stuff in a notebook while reflecting on her choices. Marcus must be so upset she is journaling without him.
Josh is gorgeous and easygoing, and they can have fun anywhere. He has dark hair and olive skin and awesome double bicep word tattoos, and she feels over-the-moon giddy in love with him. But she worries that he’s too much like the guys she normally dates, and that’s a too-good-to-be-true red flag that has caused her to keep her guard up.
Chris is sweet, smart and funny, and she looks forward to the light-hearted fun they have. He’s always made her feel like he’s in the game for her and for love, and he’s a manly man who definitely has it all. She is blown away by the fact that he was her secret admirer, which is romantic, sexy and mature. And she doesn’t even mean that in the ironic sense. Plus, she can actually envision herself settling down in Farmcountry, Iowa.
Then there’s Nick, who has stood out to her from the beginning. She has a mental connection that intrigues and excites her, and he’s sweet, affectionate, smart and always seems to say the right thing at the right time. He sees her for who she is and understands her without having to explain everything, and she’s never been in a relationship with so much passion.
She strips down to the bikini she refused to wear in Juan Pablo’s season (when she was Ms. One Piece), and suns on the beach while contemplating her future. Got all that? Now can something please happen?
Nick Dives into His Past
Nick is the first one up in Overnightville, and he dons a banana-yellow shirt before taking his first-ever helicopter ride. She is intent on finding out about his past breakups, while he is determined to express the depths of his love for her. They hold hands, kiss and fly to a private island for a day at the beach. This is followed by a slobberfest makeout session in the ocean.
Over a picnic, she intimates that Nick’s family led her to believe the breakup with his ex-fiance was a lot harder on him than he let on. She broke things off and it bruised his ego, but he learned a lot from the experience and sometimes chuckles about how he handled things at the time. But he is always going to put himself out there, and he feels like Andi is his other half. Or something.
Yes, he says, “I feel like you’re my other half or something.” Then he continues rambling awkwardly and chokes when it comes to expressing those feelings he’s been dying to share. She ends the bleeding by suggesting they snorkel.
A Beachy Campfire
They share a romantic dinner on the beach, with a campfire and a full view of the stars. She asks for an embarrassing story, and he responds that he has a child-like sense of wonder. (The end credits reveal both of them admitting they were bed wetters, Andi until she was like 12. And that’s not an exageration.) He asks her for her opinion on a fairy tale he wrote during the week, and it’s a full-on kids’ book with illustrations. It’s basically the cutest thing ever, and it’s way more romantic than a plane with a banner that flatly declares love. So suck on that, Chris.
It’s the story of them so far, and Andi eats it up, even picturing him as a father. The book ends with an I love you, a fantasy suite invitation and enough blank pages to fill years of future endeavors. He accepts, saying he looks forward to nothing more than talking her ear off.
But before they go further, he’s got to man-up and get his feelings off his chesticles. So he pulls her behind a tree and lists all the things he loves about her before dropping a blunt “I love you.” He tells her it’s terrifying, but when you know, you know. He has thrown himself at the mercy of this process, and his gut tells him there’s no way it’s not the two of them.
They retire to the fantasy suite, where Andi prays she has a better experience than she did with Juan Pablo. That’s when everything changed for her, and now she gets a second chance. And a third chance. And a fourth chance. Bow chica wow wow.
Josh Attempts to Climb Mount Andi
Instead of a romantic day at the beach, Josh and Andi will be exploring the capitol city of Santo Domingo. She’s still riding high from her date with Nick, but that melts away as soon as Josh greets her with some quality sixth-grade Spanish. Still, she’s nervous and anxious, and she really hopes he will put his feelings out there.
They explore the town, make some weird drink by squishing reeds and try out an aphrodisiac called Mamajuana. They dance, and she’s every bit as uncoordinated and terrible as last season. But he just wants to have fun, so it’s all good in the Dominican hood. She surprises him with a trip to a dirt ballfield where little kids are playing beisbol, and he pitches to the boys and runs the bases while laughing like a 5-year-old. He likes that she pays attention to the one thing he likes.
They talk about his family, and he professes his love again, saying it’s the first time he’s said those words to a woman and actually meant it. I guess we’re just letting that one slide? Because we know what he means?
He knows that she can’t say it back, but just being with her is enough for him. Kisses follow, and Andi is pleased to have gotten even more opening up than she expected. Then there’s pigeons. Lots of gross, disgusting pigeons.
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Fantasy Suite, Round 2
Andi and Josh share a moonlit dinner at Casa de Campo, and she’s fretting over whether or not he is serious about getting down on one knee. He was nervous in the beginning, and he was worried she pegged him as being cocky. But now, he’s too goofy for her to think that. Then they talk about what kind of parents they’ll be.
There’s no background music, just the breeze blowing across the tablecloth, which leaves me with an unsettled, almost eerie feeling. We finally get some guitar strings plucked while he discloses his love for her and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. And guitar strings give way to heartstrings as they stare into each other’s eyes and smooch.
But despite hearing what she wanted to hear, she still has her guard up a bit and talks about how she never knew how he felt. This conversation proves the validity of their feelings, but her enthusiasm level tells me she’s not as convinced as she is leading us to believe. They take a dip in the pool and then retire to the fantasy suite to explore those, uh, feelings further. He’s looking forward to “connecting more and stuff,” saying he’s ready to propose and always be there for her.
Chris Hopes to Survive
Because really, he’s the longshot at this point. Sure, she likes him, but the connection just isn’t on the same level as with Nick and Josh. Plus, he’s a little too mushy. Not in the physical sense, but Marcus’ presence was the only thing that stopped him from being the overly-emotional one in the competition. And because he’s a farmer, Andi takes him to Rancho Peligro.
She raves about his family, but she’s wondering if their relationship is at a point where she feels comfortable spending the night with him. So this is make or break for her, while he opens his part of the date by saying that he falls more and more in love with her each day. This should go well.
It’s Andi’s first time on a horse in two decades, and it turns out she is terrified of them. Like I am with bees. And clowns. But I doubt I’ll ever have to ride either of those.
Chris, however, is a natural, and they explore the countryside. Andi has a panic attack when her horse starts to trot, and Chris instructs her how to steer and control the steed. They share some drinks on a giant tree limb, and what they’re seeing and doing carries most of the conversation, which isn’t a great sign.
The topic switches to his hometown, and somebody better get Jake the pilot, because Andi is literally on cloud 9. Hope she’s got a parachute. She singles out his mom and calls them all the best family she’s ever seen, which he takes literally and is blown away. Then they play a daylight reprise of Ghost in the Graveyard. Even though it’s daytime. In a plainly open area.
He hides in a bush, which he likely hopes is allegorical for the overnight part of the date.
Will She or Won’t She?
Andi, Chris and his uber plaid shirt reunite at her hotel, and she admits that her favorite part of the date was Ghost in the Graveyard. Which probably is allegorical for the overnight part of the date.
He again asks her about the whole living in Iowa thing, which is a struggle for her to accept. He takes her questioning of the situation in stride, but all he really wants to hear is, “Can’t wait.” He’s also willing to make sacrifices, and a lot of it is negotiable, but Iowa itself is pretty much set in stone. The writing is clearly on the wall, but no one wants to admit it.
She’s at a crossroads with him, and that revelation almost brings him to tears. He says he just wants to fall in love with her, and that’s happened. He finds her irresistible and core to the things he is looking for, and that’s just too much for her. She breaks down in sobs, as she just can’t reciprocate his feelings. Sure, she could blame it on Iowa, but the foundation isn’t there, and that’s the honest truth.
So instead of inviting him into the fantasy suite for a night of uncoordinated ecstasy, she sends him back to the farm in an SUV of tears. In her mind, she knows he’s a wonderful guy who would be great for her. But her head just doesn’t match up with her heart, and that means Chris has to go. She drops her standard line about respecting him too much to keep him around, and off he goes, albeit with a dignity respective of his Midwestern roots. He actually ends up comforting her.
I haven’t been Chris’ biggest fan this season and was hopeful he wouldn’t be the next Bachelor. But his graceful exit softens the blow a bit. I might be okay with it.
Killing Time with the Host
Andi is all smiles as she preps for the uneventful rose ceremony, because she knows she made the right decision, and she sits down with Chris Harrison to explain it all. Josh and Nick are the reason that she still believes in great love, and she can’t wait to see how it all plays out.
She recaps the dates with our esteemed host, and while she has two great guys, there are reservations about both. She’s too serious with Nick and too goofy with Josh, and she wonders if either has the other side. Her big fear is that anything can happen and change, and she could still end up with a broken heart.
There is much fretting over whether or not either of the guys might reject the rose, but that’s just manufactured tension to add a bit of drama to a most predictable ceremony. Both guys accept, and both are excited at the possibility of meeting her family and finding everlasting love. And they’re both sure they’re winning.
Two is Better Than One
So we’re down to our final two, and as expected, it’s Josh versus Nick for Andi’s heart. Who do you hope wins? Are you indifferent? Have you softened on Nick since he’s been out of the frat house environment? Do you hope Chris is the next Bachelor?
The “Men Tell All” is next week, followed by the always way-too-much Bachelorette three-hour finale in two weeks. Then it’s time to strap in and unbutton your chastity belt, because we’re headed to paradise for some scintillating and scandalous hookeups. And tears. Lots and lots of tears. And skin. Delicious skin.
But first, we’ve got to tie up these loose ends. Who’s it gonna be?
You can watch The Bachelorette every Monday at 8pm on ABC.
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