Juanuary is nearing its end, about to give way to February and every Bachelor fan’s favorite made-up holiday — Valentine’s Day. It’s the only day when flowers mean more than they do during a televised rose ceremony, and season 17’s Sean Lowe and Catherine Giudici are about to spend their first as a married couple.
That’s right, folks, love is in the air, just in time for our fourth Bachelor wedding. First, it was Tryan, then Jolly and JPashley. Now, Seatherine, err, Cathean, sigh … Sean and Catherine (am I the only one who hates when you can’t combine names? Does this mean they’re destined to fail?) are joining the ranks of successful couples in the show’s collective 26 seasons.
And since they’re contractually obligated to tie the knot on TV (at least if they want ABC to pick up the tab), we get to go along for the ride! And it’s live, so who knows what could happen? I did just watch This is the End. I’m just saying, you never know.
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A Look Back at the Lovebirds
Before the vows and the I do’s, we need to look back at how we got here. And you can tell it actually is live because Chris Harrison botches part of his introduction. Throughout, we get little picture-in-picture boxes showing the cocktail hour. (Is that Andy Dick?) In addition to the already-wed couples, Desiree Hartsock and Chris Siegfried are also in attendance, even though I don’t count them as a real success story because she settled.
They also show a shot of the “Honeymoon Suite Cam,” which I assume will be a separate pay per view purchase to watch the couple consummate the marriage. Their decision to wait has been well documented.
They’re also living apart ahead of the wedding, and we get the highlights of their road trip from California to Dallas. They stop at the Grand Canyon while Catherine talks everything wedding, and Sean nods and says yes a lot. Then they ask Sean’s dad, Jay Lowe, to officiate. Yes, that’s his name.
Planning a Fairy Tale Wedding
Jef Holm and Arie Luyendyk are also in attendance! Now let’s plan a wedding! Catherine meets with a planner to the stars and pitches her “Grown Sexy” theme, which even Sean doesn’t understand. (She describes it as “Robin Thicke.”) She wants everyone to feel so sexy that they all conceive, hopefully after the ceremony, otherwise things could get a little out of hand.
She frets about the perfect dress, then picks one out. With that sentence, I saved you 23 minutes of your life.
Sean, on the other hand, goes lingerie shopping, as he is bluer than the skies of southern California, if you catch my drift. But like most guys, he has absolutely no idea what he’s doing. Easy access at the bottom? Can’t see the line, can you, Rusty?
They decorate a practice wedding cake, which quickly devolves into a food fight. Then Sean thanks God for Catherine and talks about their future. They share a champagne toast, and he presents her with the lingerie. She laughs, then says she can’t wait to wear the “sexy icing for her body.” Imagine how awkward their lives will be if the sex is terrible.
Then there’s flowers, hair, eyebrows, makeup and a negligee photo shoot. That last one is for Sean’s eyes only as a wedding night gift. They try on their rings, then sit down with Chris Harrison to reassure him that they actually love each other and want to go through with this. They awkwardly discuss Sean’s virginity, and he’s sure he’ll perform masterfully when the time comes.
A live lower-third box confirms that Andy Dick is in attendance.
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Live from the Four Seasons
Sean and Catherine’s family and friends are filtering into the Four Seasons Biltmore Santa Barbara, and it’s almost time for the big moment. There’s even a tiny dog in a tiny tuxedo.
Musical group 2Cellos begins plucking our heartstrings, and Sean walks down the aisle escorted by his parents. Then it’s the bridal party, and apparently these two have only hot friends. Either that or they don’t show the ugly ones’ faces on TV. Three adorable children bring up the flowers.
Catherine exits the bridal suite, takes a few deep breaths and walks down the aisle to the usual standing O as 2Cellos plays a song straight out of a John Hughes ’80s movie. A tearful Sean smiles the moment he sees her, which is something I look for at every wedding.
I am always dismayed where there isn’t a huge smile at first sight, because this is supposed to be the happiest damn day of your life. If you’re an unmarried male, straight or gay, reading this, smile at that moment on your wedding day. Even if you’re freaking out. Trust me.
On a side note, it must be strange to incorporate commercial breaks into your wedding.
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A Marriage Begins
I was expecting a bit more of a typical ceremony, but I guess we have some time constraints. So it’s a few nice words from Jay Lowe followed by the vows. After two quick “I do’s” and an “I will [help them]” from the crowd, it’s time for a commercial break musical interlude.
But before we can make a pronouncement, smooch and get this after-party started, we’ve got the personal vows. Catherine is up first. At first sight, he was the light to her bug. She talks about sprinkles, becoming one and promising to love him until her heart bursts and their children are old and gray. She can’t wait to shine together and blind everyone. It’s silly and endearing, just like Catherine.
Sean has always wanted more of her since day one, even though they met the strangest way you could ever meet someone. They were both on The Bachelor so that he could fall in love with his best friend. Every day, he is encouraged by her love and selflessness. He promises to always put her first, be a good dad and make her laugh with silly faces and ridiculous voices. He loves her and will love her for eternity.
With these rings, they pledge their love and loyalty for the rest of their lives, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. And by the power invested in Jay Lowe, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. Now get to that honeymoon suite before the reception! We know why you’re really crying, Sean.
A Few Minutes of Filler
Because the ceremony ends a bit early, it’s fan reaction time! JP and his puffy purple bow tie are happy they are on the other non-stressed side of a live televised wedding, and Trista is reminded of how old she is since her wedding was 10 years ago.
The Bachelor family wishes the still-smooching couple best, and it’s time to get our drink on! Jef and Arie, enjoy every single woman at the reception. They’re all yours. Sean and Catherine, enjoy the most exciting 23 seconds of your young lives. And how about that Andy Dick?
This is the first Bachelor wedding I have personally watched, and despite the fact that it’s cheesy realty TV at its best/worst, I’m glad it was this couple because Sean is so likable and Catherine was my sleeper pick for him from midway through the season on. Can you imagine if he’d ended up with Emily Maynard? Weird, right?
But here’s hoping that Sean and Catherine are the next Trista and Ryan, proving that everlasting love can be found during a drama-filled dream-date bonanza with a couple dozen women competing in front of an audience of millions. It’s the American dream.
I am definitely sure of one thing, though. I never want to hear the term “Grown Sexy” again.
What did you think of the nuptials? Was it the romantic event of the year? Any random celebrity sightings that I missed? Be honest, did you cry? I was too busy typing and walking from room to room during commercial breaks to give my brain a breather from the madness, but I promise I won’t make fun if you did. Much. Cheers to Sean and Catherine!
The Bachelor season 18 airs every Monday at 8pm on ABC.
(Image courtesy of ABC)