It’s finally here, the “Criss Angel is a Douche Bag” episode of Supernatural! It’s probably my favorite episode title ever, and since I no longer get to recap A Double Shot at Love on MTV, I don’t have that many opportunities to use the term “douche bag” in my writing. So if I just start calling everyone a douche bag, it’s only because I can.
Three old-time magicians regret how magic has become a young man’s game. They watch some young douche bag on stage who’s wearing eyeliner. They’re bitter that this douche bag is headlining while they’re not.
Jay, one of the trio of old men, says he wants to do the Table of Death. It involves lying on a table and trying to escape before a bunch of nails impale him. It looks like he doesn’t make it, but he’s fine. However, some annoying magician who bugged him is now outside and suddenly falls over dead with several bloody puncture wounds.
The Winchesters arrive at the magicians convention and see the same young douche bag magician, and Dean says, “What a douche bag.” Sam identifies him as the world famous Jeb Baxter, and Dean wonders if the guy is famous for “douchebaggery.” Five minutes in, and I think this episode already set a record for most uses of the term “douche bag.”
Meanwhile, Jay’s friend Charlie wants to know how he did it, and Jay isn’t saying, but he’s feeling good and wants to try the Executioner, a trick even Houdini wouldn’t attempt. The two head down to tape a video segment with Jeb the Douche Bag. Dean asks Charlie and the third old magician, Vernon, some questions after commenting on what a douche bag Jeb is. The old men give Dean an address and tell him to ask for “Chief.”
Dean goes to the address and it’s actually a gay S&M sex dungeon where a big guy named Chief is gonna “have” Dean. Hey, they totally stole this idea from my Wincest slash fan fic blog!
At the hotel, Sam gets a visit from Ruby who tells him that 34 Seals have already been broken, so Lilith is more than halfway to Lucifer walking the Earth. Ruby says he has to kill Lilith, but he has issues with murdering a little girl.
That night, the boys go to see the Incredibly Jay try the Execution, in which he has 60 seconds to escape a noose. He gets out, but at the same time, Jeb the Douche Bag is magically hanged by a rope. Dean is impressed by the trick, by Sam suspects real magic.
The aging Jay makes the boys reflect on their own futures, and Sam is very wary of dying young. He worries that the fight against evil will keep going on, and he and Dean will still be hunting into their old age like Bobby, unless they die before they get that far. For a wacky episode about douche bags, the emotional core of this episode is pretty sad.
The Winchesters bust in on Jay and interrogate whether he’s using real magic. Jay has no idea what they’re talking about, so they tie him up and decide on a plan. Jay, being a skilled magician, slips out of the rope and escapes. He calls the cops and has Sam and Dean arrested for kidnaping.
That night, Jay does the Table of Death again, only this time it’s his best friend Charlie who is killed. Jay decides to drop the charges and ask the Winchesters for help, so the two go to investigate the third old magician, Vernon.
While the boys tear apart his hotel room, Vernon tells Jay the headlining gig is his, but Jay refuses to take it because he assumes Vernon killed Charlie. However, they’re both stunned when a 28-year-old version of Charlie shows up.
It turns out Charlie got a book of real magic from P.T. Barnum and used a spell for immortality, so he keeps getting reborn. Charlie did it because Jay didn’t deserve to be mocked by those young douche bags. Charlie wants Jay and Vernon to join him in immortality as best friends forever, literally. Vernon considers it, but Jay doesn’t think it’s a good idea.
Sam and Dean arrive to stop him, but they’re no match for the magical Charlie, who chokes Dean in the Executioner and straps Sam to the Table of Death. However, Jay comes through by stabbing himself, only he put one of the magic tarot cards in Charlie’s pocket to make him die for real.
The next day, Vernon is gone and, even though the Winchesters think it’s all for the best, Jay is all alone now because he did the right thing. He walks away, miserable over the fact that he’s old with no friends and no talent. Dean wants a beer, but Sam says he’s going for a walk.
Instead, he gets into a car with Ruby and says he’s willing to do what has to be done and kill Lilith so that he won’t still be hunting demons when he’s an old man.
Next week on Supernatural: Dean and Sam go back to their high school to investigate ghosts. There are flashbacks of Young Dean and Sam, plus Dean pretending to be a gym coach wearing shorts, headbands, and throwing dodge balls at kids.
(Image courtesy of the CW)