Well, Bret Michaels chose Jes last week on the season finale of Rock of Love. Now that those old wounds have hopefully healed (thanks to time and a whole lot of penicillin), the ladies gather one last time. Will cooler heads prevail and allow for a calm hour of responsible and thoughtful discussion? If you said yes, then you clearly haven’t watched a single episode of Rock of Love. Let the catfights begin and bleeping begin!
Riki Rachtman is hosting. All the girls are in the house, and after recapping every episode, I still don’t recognize half of them. Bret comes in, and Riki says Bret is now a bigger star than he ever was. Yes, reality dater trumps rock star. Bret has to agree.
First up is a recap of Barbie twins Kristia and Brandi C. It’s a montage of blonde stupidity, and the highlight is when they put their fake boobs together to think better. Wonder Twin powers unite! The pair are now roommates. They designed really crappy dresses, and talk about sleeping in the same bed. I love Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion as much as the next guy, but it’s a comedy, not a self help guide on how to live your life.
Rodeo is up next, and we relive her bonding with Bret over their children and his love of her constant sex noises. She pathetically says if it doesn’t work out with Jes, she wants a second chance. Rodeo then plugs her organic barbecue sauce. Samantha shows up and blasts Bret because she was looking for a mental connection, not a physical one. Then she goes off on how he slept with Lacey and had three-ways with other girls, and that there’s no way she could trust him not to cheat on her. Bret doesn’t even bother to try to deny it.
Time for Lacey! First she says at least she didn’t do porn (oh snap, Brandi C.), but she admits to doing Bret. The Lacey-Dallas animal rights debate is revisited, and by “debate,” I mean “ho showdown.” Lacey tries to make amends (what step is that?), and it’s a t-shirt that says’ Dallas Loves Michael Vick” with her quote about slitting an animal’s throat on the back. Dallas ain’t having none of that, saying she doesn’t date black men. Next, Brandi M. gets to confront Lacey. Lacey thinks Bret was on the show mostly to stay famous, and somehow this devolves into a catfight about who’s the bigger slut. Sex with Bret vs. sex on tape. For some idiotic reason, Lacey is given a chance to perform a song with her band. The band is pretty good, but the lead singer is awful.
Mia tells a story about throwing her strawberry daiquiri into Lacey’s poorly-maintained vagina. Heather is next, and we get to relive the epic fight about sex in front of Lacey’s dad. They bond and hug after Heather says “I don’t think you’re a whore.” Only on Rock of Love could that be the most genuinely nice thing said so far this season.
Then it’s time to discuss Heather’s tattoo of Bret’s name on the back of her neck. Heather unveils her new tattoo, which is the word “Sucks” beneath Bret’s name. She quickly says it’s a fake, so at least she has a sense of humor about defacing her body. She’s very mature about how it didn’t work out. Bret goes on about how he still wants to sleep with her, and they’re laughing and having a good time.
Rock of Love winner Jes is the final girl to come out. She starts with just a peck on the cheek, which is not a good sign. She’s bashing Bret for mistreating Heather. Jes calls the whole show a “mindf***.” She’s going off on how he made the wrong choice and that Heather was the one for him. Ha!
What better way to end Rock of Love. Jes maintains her total awesomeness by essentially giving up her title as winner, and giving it to the stripper. I love Jes even more now, and wish her the best. That girl has a good head on her beautiful shoulders.
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of VH1)