Previously on this season of Rock of Love 2: Daisy, Oscar de la Hoya’s niece, is a stripper with giant fake lips who still lives with her ex-boyfriend and claims she hasn’t had sex in the last two years. She’s also prone to crying-induced seizures. Ambre, by comparison, is, 37-years-old and seemingly reasonable. Which of these two women will Bret Michaels choose to be with for the rest of his life (or until next week’s reunion special, whichever comes first)? I’m here all night with my live commentary as these events unfold.
Let me be your rock of love!
This special 90-minute finale is padded with a recap of the whole season. Ambre is a great kisser, Daisy is Bret’s “Rock of Lust,” and Kristy Joe cried a lot.
The two finalists pack their bags for the obligatory finale trip to Cancun. A stretch Hummer takes them to a private Lear jet, so clearly none of these people are fans of Al Gore.
The trip begins with a traditional Mayan dance, and of course, alcohol is already involved. They head up to their suite and the girls love their balcony and presents.
At dinner, Daisy pulls out a list of discussion topics. Ambre is stunned, not by her preparation, but because Daisy has the ability to read and write.
Bret’s biggest concern with Daisy is connecting on a cerebral level, because their entire relationship is built on sexual attraction. Daisy uses the phrase, “like, such as,” and all I can think of is that Miss Teen USA girl who didn’t know anything about maps and geography.
Ambre gives up debate and just starts making out with Bret. Daisy thinks Bret isn’t the typical guy Ambre has dated, and Ambre counters with, “but you are the kind of guy I’m looking for.” This round goes to Ambre.
Bret briefs the girls on their separate dates, Ambre the next day and Daisy the day after.
Before Ambre’s date, Daisy tries to throw her game off by defending her reliance on her sexuality by saying it’s because she’s comfortable with it, but Ambre isn’t because she doesn’t think she’s sexy. Ambre gets yet another zinger, saying surgery can make her hotter, but surgery can’t make Daisy smarter. Man, Ambre is on fire, providing reasonable, rationale arguments to counter the crap coming out of Daisy’s mouth.
Resolved to prove how sexy she is, Ambre goes on her date, which involves touring some Mayan animal preserve, followed by a spa day. They hop in a paddle boat to get massages in a cave. Ambre laughs at Bret’s dumb jokes, which reminds me of Jes from Rock of Love season 1, a woman who I liked too much to want her to win.
During the massages, Ambre hops on Bret and starts rubbing him and kissing him all over. Honestly, this competition is over, there’s no way Daisy can possibly win.
The date continues with a margarita lunch. Bret takes his baseball cap off to reveal a bandanna underneath. That poor, balding man. Bret brings up his biggest concern about whether she can handle his rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle. Actually, if you read between the lines, I think his real problem is: Ambre is too smart for him.
They end the lunch happy that she fits in his nook. God, she deserves to win if a woman of such obvious intelligence can pretend this well to like a guy who is so stupid.
But the endless date is not over, as Ambre and Bret separate for one hour to prepare for dinner. Of course, this gives Ambre and Daisy a chance to fight again. This round actually goes to Daisy, as she seems calm and Ambre comes across a bit crazy, calling Daisy a “hateful bitch” and “the ugliest person I know.”
Daisy counters by complaining about how great Ambre’s life is. No, really, Daisy’s biggest argument is that Ambre is too good for Bret’s seedy, rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle, but Daisy is perfect as she’s from a broken home and only dates sleezy rockers.
At dinner, Bret gives Ambre an ugly necklace,and she pretends it’s the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen. As dinner nears it’s conclusion, Ambre confesses that she’s not wearing underwear. “America the Beautiful” plays in the background as she pulls a Sharon Stone and Bret admits that it’s the single greatest thing a woman can do for him. Ugh, get out while you still can, Ambre!
They go up to his room where there’s a bed on the balcony. Fade to black. The next morning Ambre does a walk free of shame, which is yet another credit to her acting ability.
Ambre and Daisy eat breakfast, and Daisy is being all sarcastic, but clearly she doesn’t fully understand the concept. Round three goes to Ambre, putting her up 2-1.
Now it’s time for Daisy’s date which begins with some fishing and deep sea cruising on a yacht. He once again calls her one of the sexiest women he’s ever laid eyes on, and I must be messed up in the head, because she really isn’t all that sexy to me.
Bret’s big concern is that Daisy is too young and she doesn’t know what she wants. Her answers once again reminds me off that Miss Teen USA girl in terms of incoherence and incomprehensibility.
They pull a Jack and Rose on the bow of the boat. Daisy gets a little sea sick as the man tries to teach her how to fish. She sits down to settle her stomach, which causes Bret to drop the fishing part of the date.
Finally, it looks like Daisy is gonna blow chunks, and in my favorite bit of editing ever, as she begins to vomit over the side of the boat, there’s an animated explosion that throws the show into a commercial break. It’s like Daisy vomited the commercials!
We come back, and it’s a vomitorium. She’s not that ashamed, mainly because it’s not the first time he’s seen a girl throw up, and it certainly won’t be the last. They part to get ready for dinner, mainly so she can get freshened up. Disgustingly, he still kisses her. I don’t care if she’s holding a bottle of water, I wouldn’t go near that mouth before it saw a toothbrush and a gallon of mouthwash. And that statement has nothing to do with the fact that she just threw up. Zing!
At dinner, Bret also bought Daisy a necklace. Daisy then spends her time badmouthing Ambre for being Little Miss White Picket Fence. I get Daisy’s point about Bret being a rock star, but he’s a 45-year-old diabetic rock star with two kids, so I think his hardest partying days are behind him at this point. Her entire argument is that she’s perfect for the 25-year-old version of Bret. Which is disturbing, when you realize she was only 5 at the time.
It’s time for Daisy vs. Ambre, round four. Ambre whines about Daisy’s immaturity. Daisy, enjoying a Red Bull, makes no sense. Daisy argues that Ambre degraded her by calling her a stripper. Ambre’s comeback: that’s her profession. Game, set, match.
Daisy does some more of her ugly, seizure crying. They get their final note giving them a day of spa treatments before that night’s final elimination ceremony.
As is customary with these reality dating shows, the spa treatment is really just an excuse to have the girls reflect on their experience accompanied by extended montages of their lives on the show. Feel free to take a nap, finish your taxes or program your DVR, because this lasts FOREVER!
Commercial Break: OK, I just saw a commercial for Salon Selectives, some shampoo or something, and the implication was that it’s the perfect product if you’re a recent prison escapee trying to avoid capture. That is the most messed up message I’ve ever seen.
Rock of Love 2 Final Elimination Time! Ambre is hopeful and wants to win so Bret can complete her. Daisy would be crushed if Bret chooses the ancient, boring Ambre. Ugly seizure crying, I think I’ll miss you most of all. Bret arrives in a hideous metallic, shiny suit with the bandanna. He hopes he won’t make the wrong choice like he did last season, when he chose the cool Jes over Heather, who, with 20/20 hindsight, was his perfect woman.
Bret calls Daisy down, and she’s so happy. Then he tells her the tour ends here! HA! She gets bug eyes and starts having another crying-induced seizure.
Ambre is Bret’s rock of love! Ambre is the Rock of Love 2 winner! Great move, Bret, she really does seem like the right choice. To close things out with class, Bret says, “Let’s go have hot monkey sex.” What a happy ending.
Next week: Rock of Love 2 may be over, but we still have the reunion show. There will be catfights, and Peyton is gonna say “FACE TIME!” I’m smiling already.
Also, I urge you all to watch the new VH1 reality shows Viva Hollywood, the search for the next great telenovela star, and, in two weeks, Celebracadabra, in which “celebrities” compete to become master magicians. No, seriously, that’s going to be a show.
Age Before Beauty on Finale
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of VH1)