Many people consider Memorial Day to be the official start of summer. I declare a new national holiday to mark the start of the scorching season: June 14 is Pretty Little Liars Day. Season 2 premiered tonight, and boy is it a hot one. Last season ended on a high note (literally), as Ian’s life hung in the balance. But when the cops arrived, there was no body to be found. This season picks up right where we left off, as Emily astutely notes, “Unless we’re saying Ian’s a zombie, somebody moved his body.” Uh, Emily honey … haven’t you heard? The show’s been renamed Pretty Little Zombies. Nevermind, I’m just being silly. Let’s leave the supernatural business to The Nine Lives of Chloe King. This looks like a good old-fashioned conspiracy. Do I smell a rat named A?

Officer Garrett is acting uber creepy, which is totally unsurprising, considering his liaison with Jenna. Garrett hates asking the liars to lie, which is ironic. Duh, that’s what they do best. Still, he wants them to cover up the fact that they were blackmailing Ian, and that Garrett was even involved in the first place. So now they’ve got a new secret, can they keep it? Ah, I have missed these scintillating opening credits.

Our liars are a little bit shaken from the events of the night before, but, it’s nothing a cup of coffee won’t fix. When they get to Spencer’s kitchen they walk straight into an intervention; their completely oblivious parents have finally noticed that something is up. Despite the fact that their daughters have been terrorized and nearly murdered by an anonymous psychotic stalker,this is the moment that they must begin to see a grief counselor.

Papa Hastings determines that Toby is no good and bans him from seeing Spencer, but refuses to believe that Ian, the amateur pornographer/murderer who impregnated his other daughter, is guilty. (Sidenote: said fetus will be named Taylor. This becomes important in just a sec…)

Meanwhile, rumors are spreading around Rosewood like wildfire, and the girls are suddenly the center of attention. They decide to come clean, and spill the truth about A to their therapist, Anne. However, they soon realize that A is even stronger than doctor-patient confidentiality, and that she has access to both Anne’s office and Ezra’s apartment. The girls end up looking pretty crazy, and Anne decides (completely arbitrarily) that the only solution is that they must become pretty little loners.

They can’t see each other anymore, and this is very upsetting. Upsetting like a jar of hearts, apparently. Ugh, Anne. Who do you think you are to run around leaving scars?

But the shrink has her own problems, Anne creepily arrives at her car, and I swear I thought a vampire was about to jump her. Turns out, it was probably just A, but as Hanna put it, “I’m starting to think that bitch has superpowers.” I mean, seriously. The girls raise an important point: how can A always be one step ahead of them? She knows everything that happens in their lives, and so do we:

Aria: Our girl reluctantly forgives Ezra for keeping Jackie from her, probably because he was shirtless at the time. However, she soon realizes that A has Ezra’s apartment key. Two can’t keep a relationship if one of them is dead, honey. He better change those locks. The good news is, Byron and Ella seem to be working things out.

Emily: Emily is Moving to Texas, y’all, and she’s deeply attached to her height chart. Toby comes over to comfort her as her Mom prepares to sell their house. She and Toby are very sweet friends, and it baffles my mind that anyone could ever think that cutie was guilty. Just look into those baby blues.

Hanna: Lucas comes through, and arranges for Caleb to come back to town. Hanna can forgive but never forget that Caleb was using her, so she says goodbye. She also says goodbye to Mona once she learns about the letter that Caleb wrote her. And speaking of Mona, I smell trouble. She’s hanging out with Noel (the blackmailing aficionado who is back in town!) What might they be hiding?

Spencer: Poor ‘Spoby’ is destined to fail. No one wants these two suspected murderers to get together. But really, they are so cute, especially when he breaks into her house and she puts down the giant knife to hug him. Ahh, forbidden love. Meanwhile, Melissa is hard to read. At first she claims she wants nothing to do with Spencer, but then she demands some answers about Ian.

Final moments: The ominous text sound chimes, but this time it’s not from A and it’s not to any of the liars. It’s Melissa’s phone (since recovered from the church), and it has an anonymous text saying, “Melissa, I’m sorry but it’s not safe yet. I can’t tell you.” The text is presumably from Ian. Possibly even zombie Ian. When the girls text back, the recipient knows something only Ian would know: his future baby’s name, Taylor.

But then again, A seems to know an awful lot, so we can’t start assuming Ian’s alive just yet. Meanwhile, someone arrives at Emily’s for the open house and conveniently deletes her hard drive, containing the incriminating videos. But, who could it be? Hopefully we’ll find out more next week but in true Liars style it might be a while, so hold on tight.

Texts from Beyond:
– I spy a liar -A
– Picture text of Ezra’s apartment: look familiar what’s missing? – A (Turns out it was his diploma, which turns up at Anne’s office. Mega creepy. Big Brother is watching.)

Funny Line of the Night: On the contents of Ezra’s living room, Aria says: “That’s not a playboy, that’s a playbill!”

Burning Questions:
1. What is “The Jason Thing?” Garrett mentioned it in passing, and I want to know what it is. The Jenna Thing is so 2010.
2. What does A want from Anne? Is Anne trustworthy?
3. What are Noel and Mona up to?
4. Is Melissa up to no good?
5. Is Ian alive? If so, how is that possible, and where is he?

Until next week, keep your eyes open. You never know when A might be watching.

(Image courtesy of ABC Family)

Photo AlbumPretty Little Liars – 2.01 “It’s Alive”


Contributing Writer, BuddyTV