Pretty Little Liars is returning for the fourth season, which has caused me to re-examine the central mystery of the show. No, the biggest mystery is not who killed Alison DiLaurentis. It’s not about uncovering the members of the ‘A’ team either.
In my opinion, the biggest question on Pretty Little Liars is why everyone remains in Rosewood despite it being one of the creepiest and most homicidal towns around.
So before season 4 premieres and gives us even more points to add to the list, let’s take a look in GIF form at the top reasons no one on earth should want to live in Rosewood, Pennsylvania:
1. Your teenage daughter is getting texts like this:
And you’re probably too busy stashing money in lasagna boxes to notice.
2. There is no court system. If your daughter shoplifts, you better hope the arresting officer is cute because this is the only way to get her out of jail:
3. But don’t worry, eventually you can just run him down with your car!
Because the whole police department in Rosewood is corrupt, he will be the second police officer to have dated a teenage girl.
4. In fact, Rosewood seems to have more near-vehicular homicides than any other town:
Whoops my friend ran me over with her car!
5. Rosewood is a pretty terrible place to be a car in general. If you aren’t running over people, you are being sunk very slowly into shallow ponds:
On Hanna’s college essay under special skills: typing, nail polish application, sinking evidence into nearby lakes.
6. But cars don’t even stay underwater in Rosewood! Once you’ve sunk a car there’s no guarantee it won’t pop back up again with something creepy in the trunk:
Surprise! A dead body was what you wanted for your birthday this year right?
7. In Rosewood people talk like this:
And everyone thinks it’s totally normal.
8. Speaking of not normal, Radley Sanitarium is pretty much packed to the brim at all hours of the day and night with about half the population of Rosewood.
“Hey, who’s up for going to Radley to play board games? It’s a statistical probability most of your friends are already there!”
9. Despite the fact that most of Rosewood is locked away, it’s insanely easy for Mona to escape:
No one on staff notices the nurse that looks just like one of their patients and Mona walks out like the Joker from The Dark Knight.
10. THIS FOOLED THE GUARDS AT RADLEY:
“Oh I just checked on Mona and besides the fact that she suddenly looks like a paper mache Dracula head everything seemed fine.” No security would be better than the security Radley has.
11. Rosewood appears to be the creepy doll capital of America:
Kill it with fire!
Oh good, another doll!
I think most of Rosewood missed Ella’s memo of that one.
12. Because in Rosewood even the drinking games are weird:
Every time you get run over with a car, take a drink!
13. In Rosewood, your parents are probably doing exactly what you’re doing, only worse and with crazier people:
In the dictionary under “creepy hypocrite” see Byron Montgomery.
14. The Rosewood school system is obviously failing these kids.
She would know the difference but she gets run over on the way to school every day.
15. Speaking of school, this is what the kids in the Rosewood academic decathlon look like:
That’s just not right. Something is very, very wrong here sir. I think I might need to see more, for science reasons.
16. But I guess they need that added muscular definition, because at academic competitions this can happen at any moment:
“Welcome to the Rosewood Academic Decathlon. May the odds be ever in your favor.”
17. Speaking of Rosewood’s education system, teachers and students just make out in public like it ain’t no thang:
“Hey Aria, is there a more noticeable place to make out with your underage self? Like maybe on stage during a school assembly?”
18. If not dating your teacher, in Rosewood there is a high probability your boyfriend will turn out to be evil:
“Hey girl, is my sexy Sith Lord look working for you?”
19. Which will probably end up driving you insane:
20. In Rosewood this isn’t just assault…
… it’s the start of a beautiful romance:
Love means never having to say “sorry I almost drown you that one time.”
21. Have we talked about stalkers yet?
Again with the creepy dolls!
22. Not only will they send you creepy text messages, their lairs will look something like this:
That clown can see directly into your soul.
23. Speaking of creepy, let’s talk about the Rosewood murder rate.
“Today will be another great day in Rosewood. It’ll be sunny with a high chance of homicide!”
24. But sometimes when you kill people they don’t actually stay dead in Rosewood:
No you don’t Alison, but there are a few of your teeth on a bracelet that say otherwise.
25. Rosewood also seems to have a zombie problem:
“Hey gurl hey! If you help me out of here I’ll make you a human teeth friendship bracelet!”
26. Which explains why normal people in Rosewood feel like this a lot of the time:
27. Also there’s no guarantee the blind girl in your class is actually blind:
“I see you and I’m silently judging your outfit.”
28. And even when it’s not ‘A’ texting you, the rest of the town proves itself to be full of douchebags:
29. So why stay in Rosewood when almost everyone feels like this all the time?
Here’s a hint Emily: if you can drop “I don’t know if you’ve heard but I killed a guy” in a casual conversation then your life isn’t normal anymore.
What do you think? Would you ever live in Rosewood? What creepy Rosewood weird-ness did I miss? Sound off in the comments!
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(Images courtesy of ABC Family)