Evidence (Oscar Dahl)

Well, Deborah, you are playing right into my grubby hands. Hey, I’m for unconventional beauty. Angelina Jolie, for one, could be called unconventional. She is also hot. But, you bring up the nose. SJP’s nose does not represent unconventional beauty, but conventional facial putridity. To the evidence!

Exhibit A

First, we must look at Parker from profile, where we can take a nice, long gander and her nice, long proboscis. The nose is famous, and is a prime example of what makes Sarah objectively Not Hot. I’ve never heard anyone say, “You know what I like about that girl? Her big nose.” A large schnoz is never a turn-on, never a point in a woman’s favor. I understand that it’s not particularly fair to analyze someone’s worst feature. But, really, that nose is huge! Gargantuan! Monstrous! It’s a deal-breaker, and just one of the myriad reasons Parker is Not Hot.

Exhibit B

Here is Parker, after winning an award of some nebulous origin.  I chose this photo for two very clear reasons: 1) This is a public appearance, and therefore Parker does not receive the benefit of flattering camera angles or air-brushing.  2) She just won an award, and typically award winners have a glow about them, a happiness that invariably will increase their attractiveness. 

Sarah, why the long face? (Zing!) Without make-up, Parker simply does not cut it.  She looks like your aunt who drinks red wine out of a paper cup while driving down the freeway.  Let’s examine the face: somewhat large forehead, cascading down to thin, peculiar eyes, eyes that appear to be probing deep within your soul, and not in a good way.  Then, of course, there’s that nose again, saying “Hey, look at me, guys!” Next to the nose, there’s the pair of gaunt cheeks, the cheekbones somehow unpronounced, though it seems like they should be.  The whole head is unrealistically long and skinny, ovular, making Parker look like the bastard daughter of Soda Popinski. 

And, with that, I rest my case. I could go on, but I think these two pictures present a fairly definitive case for Sarah Jessica Parker’s complete and utter dearth of hotness.

Evidence (Debbie Chang)

Exhibit A:

Here is the reason why I find Sara Jessica Parker hot. In this photo, she shows off just how hot she is. Yes, she may be going after a rather odd fashion aesthetic, what with the rainbow striped socks paired with the high-heeled deck shoes, but just look at everything else. She’s got great, smooth skin, not an ounce of extra fat anywhere, and her flexibility is through the roof. This is hot, man.

Exhibit B:

As shown in this headshot, Sarah Jessica Parker has a great face. Her features are nicely balanced and symmetrical, she has a perfect smile with impeccable teeth, and bright, intelligent eyes. No, her nose is not too big at all. All you really notice in this picture is how fresh-faced she is. I’ve noticed that she tends to overdo it with the black smoky eyeliner that somehow imbues her with a blank expression, but here in Exhibit B, her makeup is very light. As a result, her true beauty and youthfulness really shine through.


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