It was a normal night like any other when Debbie, Oscar, Meghan and I sat down to watch Twilight. We curled up in my bed (well, Oscar sat in a chair) and gleefully anticipated the beginning of the film. I had my three Twilight virgins with me and I knew from their initial thoughts that this was going to be a hard task.
What I will say of the following live thoughts is this: don’t judge them like they tried not to judge Twilight. Debbie really wanted Bella and Edward to get down, Meghan wanted to get down with Edward and Oscar had his own special outlook on things. They were hilarious but moreover, they expressed a lot of concerns that non-readers might have while watching the movie. Some things they didn’t understand and some things they grasped fully. If you’ve seen the movie ten times like me (yeah, that’s right, I’ve seen it that many times since we did the initial thoughts video), then it’ll be easy to figure out what we’re talking about. If not, I leave contextual clues along the way. if you still can’t figure it out, please, go watch Twilight again, for me…
Warning: The conversation that follows may not be suitable for minors.
Debbie Chang: Okay, it’s starting.
Oscar Dahl: I have never heard of Summit Entertainment.
Debbie Chang: Oh no, voiceovers. Kill me now.
Kim Wetter: I really like the score.
Oscar Dahl: The old vampire/deer chase opening…how cliché.
Debbie Chang: Does phoenix really look like that?
Oscar Dahl: yes.
Debbie Chang: With cacti and such?
Kim Wetter: Well, it’s phoenix.
Meghan Carlson: I’ve been to phoenix. It does look like that. It’s sprawling and grossly hot.
Kim Wetter: FORKS!
Meghan Carlson: Reppin’ WA STATE! Hollerrrr.
Oscar Dahl: I’ve been to Forks…I will decline to say what I thought about it.
Debbie Chang: Isn’t it lazy storytelling to do all this exposition via voiceover? I’m just sayin.
Meghan Carlson: Her dad looks like a chi mo. Ironic he’s a police officer.
DC: What’s a chi mo? I’m so not cool.
KW: I love how awkward Charlie and Bella’s interactions are. He’s the perfect dad. Actually, everything with Kristen Stewart is awkward so that’s not fair.
OD: Aww…she brought a cactus with her.
DC: What did you do in forks, Oscar?
OD: Sightseeing, sex tourism.
MC: I want to fork Robert Pattinson so hard and he hasn’t even been on screen yet.
OD: Someone cool off Meghan.
KW: Native Americans! Really, really bad wig on Taylor Lautner.
MC: She and Jacob have the same haircut.
DC: Okay, but seriously, what’s a chi mo?
MC: Child molester. Get the Net, Debbie.
MC: Haha “double pump.”
DC: Is it really prudent to drive such a behemoth in this era of conservation?
OD: “Eww…look at the new girl”
KW: The GAYSIAN!
DC: OMG, I love gaysians.
MC: Why is he wearing a tie??
OD: We know she’s suffering on the inside because she said, “I’m suffering on the inside.”
KW: Is this a Diablo Cody film: “Chilax”?
DC: Um, because he’s gaysian.
MC: This is an absurdly diverse small town high school.
KW: Mike has pretty blue eyes. My favorite character is Jessica.
MC: This girl is on coke, right?
DC: Jessica sounds like she is mildly impaired
OD: If Kristen Stewart was 17 when she filmed this, but is 18 now, can I say she’s hot?
OD: Well, she’s not. She’s got potential.
MC: Where are the wranglers? This isn’t Forks.
OD: Forks is, to this film’s credit, very diverse.
KW: OOOO The Cullens! Prepare for R Patttz.
MC: YES IT’S HAPPENING
DC: How are they outside? It’s like, daylight.
MC: “Together together”? What?
OD: They are siblings who go to Boneville?
KW: YAY! R Pattz!
DC: !Woah, look at his hair!
OD: Music crescendo and… I think Bella just came.
MC: Hahahaha he just did too.
DC: Wait, did Edward just get a boner?
KW: He technically is having trouble not killing her right now.
OD: This is the weirdest scene ever.
MC: HES SO PRETTY!
DC: Why is she smelling herself? Also, why are they in school? Are they really old because they’re vampires?
MC: That was so uncomfortable.
DC: Do they have to keep repeating high school because they’re all dumb?
MC: Waylon? Butt crack Santa? Sounds like “To Catch a Predator.”
KW: Why is Emmett standing up in the back of the jeep? He looks like a tool.
MC: The fuzzy line between wanting to have sex with someone and wanting to eat is eerily familiar to my life.
KW: An animal killed the security guard?!?! Vampires!
MC: I like her truck
DC: K-stew should become a fang banger!
KW: True Blood reference, nice. If only there was as much sex in this movie.
MC: Eric is obnoxious.
DC: What?? Is the gaysian asking her out?? Doesn’t he know he likes dudes?
MC: BONE TIME #2. He’s so dreamy and brooding.
DC: Edward sounds like he is mildly impaired too.
DC: What’s with this dialogue?
KW: She’s so abrupt with him.
MC: “You were gone.”
KW: Why is it weird to ask someone about the weather?
MC: This is like conversations I have on the bus with homeless guys.
DC: Cold, wet thing,
MC: HES COLD.
DC: ! And she’s wet!
MC: Like the rain.
KW: He’s like “Now we can’t bone.” 🙁
MC: You offended him. OMG! They’re both so smart with the microscope.
OD: I think Robert Pattinson learned his American accent by watching Rain Man.
MC: BONETIME! Why isn’t she like “stop asking me personal questions, stranger”?
OD: What’s the tween girl equivalent to Blue Balls?
MC: This is so weird. It’s like an alternate dimension where people don’t do small talk.
MC: He just saved her from the truck! BONE TIME. He is sooo strong.
KW: Lots of heavy breathing.
MC: If I didn’t know anything about this movie right now, I would think the Cullens are a creepy albino cult.
KW: Mike Dexter aka Carlisle Cullen!
DC: The vampire dad looks like a clown. Do you think he’ll make me a balloon animal?
OD: That is horrid makeup
MC: “Edward? Yer boy?” Just pointing out my favorite lines throughout.
DC: Um, don’t the vampires know that people can see and hear them talking in the hallway?
MC: “Bella, you’re stupid” What does she think right now? That he’s superman?
KW: She’s having a sex dream
DC: Bone time! (tm Meghan)
MC: Oh no way. He was in her room. LUCKY.
KW: He actually was in her room too. He watches her sleep for months without her knowing.
OD: Oh…it was a dream…. I wouldn’t have known that without the voiceover.
MC: Why does she need to flashback about the car thing? it JUST HAPPENED.
DC: There’s a lot of staring broodily off into space in this movie, isn’t there?
MC: Why do gay dudes keep asking her out?
OD: Poor non-vampire guy Mike. R Pattz really does look like a foot sometime.
MC: DONT YOU DARE.
MC: I like his peacoat. BONETIME in the greenhouse.
DC: “Zero weirdness,” NOT!
MC: Guys were dicks to me all the time in high school. I should have realized they just wanted to drink my blood.
DC: “You don’t know me! You don’t know anything about me!”
KW: Alice! I love her. She’s so nice and Edward’s a dick in this scene. Bella and Alice should hook up.
DC: I’d watch that movie!
MC: “Let’s say for argument’s sake I’m not smart”
DC: I don’t think she’s smart.
OD: Just say you’re a vampire and get over it.
MC: SUPERMAN, I called it.
DC: She can see into his soul. He’s trying to keep her out. She looked into his eyes and saw his soul.
MC: Oh he WILL come (to the beach?)
OD: He’s j*zzed his pants twice during this conversation.
KW: Who surfs off the Washington coast?
DC: I have friends who surf on the Washington coast.
MC: I was not expecting this much stuff about the prom.
DC: Duh, Meghan, it’s high school.
KW: I’m so glad they got hot werewolves for New Moon. These kids are not cute.
MC: “You caught what we just explicitly said? Astute.”
OD: “Wolves? Like Wolves?”
DC: Naturally, only the Native Americans know about the vampires because indigenous people are always mystical.
MC: My tribe’s beliefs? Just a story. It’s a GOOF!
OD: If I were a vampire, I would not live in Forks. I would move to Vegas.
DC: If I were a vampire, I would not go to school.
MC: Wellll that guy’s creepy
KW: I like that James is always shirtless. Love it.
OD: Gayest Black Vampire Ever!!!
MC: The INTERNET!
DC: This web surfing montage is riveting. She didn’t even look at wikipedia.
OD: My uncle used to live in Port Angeles.
MC: No one cares Oscar.
OD: He was killed by a vampire.
KW: Nice boobs Jessica
MC: PROM!!! ZOMG PROM.
KW: I wonder where the movie will end? Paramore! BOOBS!
OD: Guys like boobs… “Disgusting.”
MC: Jessica, don’t wear GLOVES. You’re insane. Social suicide.
DC: She needs the mystical wisdom of the native peoples.
OD: She just purchased “The Legend of the Pants-J*zzing Gay Pale-Faced Vampire Wolves” at the bookstore.
MC: Kim Wetter just spoiled an r-word scene.
DC: Gang bang.
OD: Ah…I’ve heard about this infamous gang rape scene.
MC: Fang gang bang.
DC: Oh snap!
KW: At least Bella hit him. She doesn’t do anything in the book. Completely helpless.
MC: I wanted him to tear into those guys. It would have been so hot. You drive that hatchback, Rob.
DC: Edward needs to protect her purity because without it, she’s worthless.
MC: SAFETY. It’s all about safety.
KW: “We waited but we totally ate without you.”
MC: “So, we didn’t wait. And we don’t have cell phones.” HE should eat something.
OD: Yeah… Totally thoughtful.
KW: In the book, they walk into the restaurant and after he talks to the waitress, she says “don’t do that to them” and he says “what” and she says “dazzle them” and he says “Do I dazzle you?” and she says “Frequently.”
MC: “my lady friend here will have the ravioli and I’ll have her neck.” They’re totally nerding each other on.
KW: Yes Bella, I follow you all the time.
MC: So, I’m not the only girl who would be flattered to have a stalker. That’s reassuring.
OD: That weird guy wants to have sex with a cat? Did I get that right?
MC: OMG Her mind has a firewall. BOOOOONE TIME to the max right now.
KW: He’s so so so so pretty.
DC: JUST DO IT ALREADY!
MC: So many close ups. I could watch this movie mute and still be happy.
DC: Just hit that. I mean, what could possibly happen?
MC: what sort of “animal” do they think this is? Why doesn’t anyone ask?
OD: Gay vampire wolf… Duh.
KW: This is small town investigating, Meghan
MC: It’s a man-bear-pig! I’m super serial you guys.
OD: I think, maybe, it’s time you shaved your mustache, dad.
KW: I like how she understands he’s a vampire AND that a vampire killed Waylon at the same time and yet she’s not scared of him.
DC: The google knows all.
MC: UNDEAD, SPEED, and OTHER UNRELATED WORDS!
KW: Okay, so this is the scene they play in the trailer and it’s by far the worst scene. Brace yourselves.
OD: “Edward… I brought you here in this forest to tell you… I had a dream where you ate me…. and then i j*zzed my pants.”
MC: That’s like nine bonetimes already.
DC: “You’re impossibly fast”
MC: “So, to recap… you’re a vampire.” -K Stew
OD: “Let me describe to you what you’re like.”
MC: she’s a detective. 17 my ASS. He’ll never be old enough to drink. This IS a tragedy.
KW: I think they are trying to make it seem like he’s going to hurt her. Does anyone in this room believe he’s going to hurt her?
DC: No, he’s going to give her much, much joy in the nether regions.
OD: Saaay it.
MC: “I’m afraid to love you.” This is so bizarre.
OD: Greatest Piggyback Ride Ever.
KW: Take off your clothes!
MC: he looks like……….. a blingie?
OD: He looks like a kaleidoscope.
DC: It looks like diamonds??
MC: A MILLION F’ING DIAMONDS MICHAEL! A MILLION DIAMONDS! (arrested development anyone?)
DC: Well, now he’s just bragging.
MC: Her apathy is a little disturbing.
KW: She trusts him.
MC: Why? WHY?
DC: “I’ve wanted to kill you” – Where kill means BONE.
OD: My own personal brand of heroin?
MC: they make personalized brands of heroin?
DC: Drugs and sex are bad, mmmmkay?
KW: B ONE!
MC: B to the ONE!
DC: DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
OD: PALE-FACED VAMPIRE WOLF SEX!
KW: “So the Lion fell in love with the Lamb”
MC: Oh my god.
OD: Kim, why can’t they just bone?
DC: Yeah, Kim, why can’t they?
MC: Bonetown, population 2!
KW: Me and R Pattz?
MC: NO, ME!
OD: “That was a tough patch of dialogue, let’s lie down.”
MC: hahahahhahahahah X100
DC: “You’re beautiful, R Pattz.”
MC: He’s so… sparkly!
MC: “Let’s recap again: 1. Edward is a vampire. 2. I know which part thirsts for me, but I don’t want to say. 3. I WANNA BONE THIS GUY!”
DC: In love with him, why? Because he’s dominant? because he stalks her? Because he wants to drink her blood?
KW: My favorite scene of R Pattz! Sunglasses!
MC: OMG Send it to Gossip Girl – they’re a couple!
OD: He’s wearing his “relationship sunglasses.”
MC: I love him in sunglasses
KW: Bad flashbacks begin…. now!
DC: Ho yay! Oh yay!!
KW: Get it, Carlisle
OD: So, 1918 actually was sepia-toned.
MC: If monsters look like that, sign me UP!
DC: Vegetarians? I think you need to replace that e with an a and your got yourself these vampires.
MC: haha, jab at hippies with the tofu
KW: She keeps walking towards him and he keeps backing away. Sad day!
MC: Is there more explanation in the book for why she’s so at ease with all this?
KW: Because she’s head over heels in love with him! Duh!
MC: i’ve dated my share of crazies and there are ALWAYS doubts, especially if they say they want to kill you.
OD: Mariners! Vitamin R!
MC: “An animal.” What animal?!
KW: The Vampires all make whooshing noises when they do vampire things.
MC: Moats would be cool. Rosalie’s hooker shoes just made it awkward.
KW: There’s so much sexual tension between Nikki Reed and Kristen Stewart. Fake Lesbos Abound!
MC: Haha, quick on the uptake, Bella.
OD: “HAHAA… yea, we might eat you.”
MC: Cute! He’s playing with his food
DC: Some people need the extra time in the classroom
KW: No bed? She’s upset.
DC: What about the sex?
MC: Bonetown needs no bed.
OD: Slowest Slow Dance ever.
MC: MAKE ME
KW: Whooshing noises!
OD: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Vampire D***
MC: “do you trust me” + flying = Aladdin
OD: “It’s a Whole New World”
MC: He can fly AND play piano? This dude’s a catch.
KW: This is the song he wrote for her. It’s Bella’s Lullaby. He hums it to her to help her fall asleep. They don’t ever say that in the movie.
MC: Kim Wetter is like twilight “pop up video.”
KW: That’s Stephenie Meyer at the counter by the way.
OD: “School’s out guys, let’s play grab ass outside the diner.”
OD: A Table of Beards
KW: They all have white beards!
MC: “I give you permission to get groped.”
OD: “I know how you kids like grab ass on a Friday.”
MC: “Bella… are you gay?”
OD: “Boys these days, pale faces, no moustaches…guess I’m out of touch.”
MC: Her mom’s a total cougar. An “I’d rather you drink in the house” type of lady.
KW: OOOOO. She’s in her underwear, Oscar, pay attention.
OD: Kim – will we be seeing a naked Kristen Stewart in any of the sequels?
KW: I would hope so Oscar, but who knows.
DC: O, Edward’s there! Try it!
MC: BONE BONE BONE
DC: If this is really a fable about abstinence, they should really not be kissing. Bad!
MC: If there’s still room for the book of Mormon between them, it’s ok.
KW: Let’s stare at each other some more instead
OD: You know how you get rid of a boner? Have a long conversation with Kristen Stewart.
MC: dont tell your dad you have a date when he’s holding a gun
OD: Sex is bad…but beer and guns? Totally cool.
MC: Dad is drinking Rainer. PROPS!
KW: Beers + Guns = Dick Cheney
MC: ‘Baseball’? Is that what they’re calling it nowadays?
DC: Baseball? Is that code for BONETIME?
OD: This is, officially, my least favorite scene in movie history. Sorry, Kim.
MC: WHOOSH Just do it. With vampires. Who play baseball. -NIKE
OD: The dad is wearing a scarf while playing.
KW: They like to play baseball. They look really cute doing it.
DC: It shows that they are a normal family just like everyone else.
KW: Why doesn’t James have his shirt off?
DC: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
MC: Sharks v. Jets!
DC: I feel like there is supposed to be subtext in all their lines, but there really isn’t.
MC: I want Bella to try to convince them she’s a vampire. That’s what Buffy would do. Like “oh man I’m so thirsty for some of the ol’ red, know what I mean guys? Am I right?”
OD: Crouch, everyone!
KW: They’re on the run!
MC: BUCKLE UP BELLA!
OD: I’ve been searching for a moustache ride joke, but I’m at a loss.
KW: Not a great father in this moment. My 17 year old can drive to Phoenix in a beat up truck in the middle of the night. It’s cool
OD: Screw you and your idyllic small town life, Dad!
MC: This is like when Buffy ran away at the end of season 3.
DC: At the end of season 2, actually.
KW: This is where Kristen Stewart sold me. Go with it… Bella – you could have been normal but now you’re going to die.
OD: Goodbye, Gaysian!
KW: If they had a moat they’d be safe.
MC: Victoria is always being misunderestimated.
DC: Dude, Rosalie’s my kind of vampire. She’s all, whatever, I don’t care, I’ll eat her myself.
KW: Here’s where they lose me. Why would they actually go to Phoenix? The place she SAID she was going? Really? Really? Really? Is that smart? Our of ALL the places in the world. Does that make any sense?
DC: And she draws the future!
MC: Bella! Drinking game every time someone says Bella!
KW: Drinking game every time Kristen Stewart blinks
OD: I would totally throw my mom under the bus.
MC: This dude is really hungry.
KW: Well, Bella has heroin blood…
DC: Fun house!
KW: Vampires have reflections!
MC: Edward will save her!
DC: she’s about to die and all she can think about is defending Edward’s reputation?
KW: Pepper spray! Oooh, it’s bad luck to break a mirror. That’s why he’s going to die.
MC: Now, this is some quality vamp action.
DC: Ho yay! Ho yay!
KW: He just ripped out part of his throat!
OD: That was relatively easy.
KW: Alice is about to go bad ass on James.
MC: Why can’t vampires resist their version of food? It’s not like every time I’m around doughnuts I HAVE. TO. HAVE. ONE.
MC: K Stew not cute when cross-eyed.
OD: Director’s notes to Kristen in this scene: “Writhe on the ground a lot, act really scared and in pain, and then when he bites your wrist, pretend that you just j*zzed your pants.”
KW: He remembers he loves her! And the times the spent together staring in each other’s eyes
MC: Staring = caring! Ah, you went through a window at the bottom of the stairs BECAUSE THAT MAKES SENSE.
KW: I want to live in Forks. Maybe I’ll meet my Edward Cullen.
MC: I also want to live in Forks.
OD: I want to fork Bella.
KW: Freak out time!
MC: “UGH WHA WHA NO Wha ugh no no no!” That’s what her script looks like.
OD: Kristen Stewart could give an epileptic a seizure.
MC: Edward looks hot in collared shirts… and non collared shirts… and ties…
KW: and with no shirt
DC: !Prom, zomg!
OD: Where’s a Paula Cole song when you need it?
KW: Taylor Lautner added 26 pounds of muscle for the next movie.
MC: Does his tribe not believe in haircuts?
DC: His dad needed to pay him to do that?
OD: Ed is racist.
MC: Wolves, lions, lambs, and “animals” oh my!
DC: The wolves…. foreshadowing?
KW: Very good Debbie.
MC: PROM FINALLY!!!!!
KW: You know what else is an important right of passage Edward? Sex after prom. Work on that.
OD: Gazebo dancing = Bonetime Island.
MC: FOREVERRRRRRRRRR -sandlot
DC: DO IT!
KW: At prom
MC: omg omg
DC: DO IT!
MC: kiss me Robert Pattinson!
DC: DO IT!
KW: You look out the window and see him sucking her blood. That’d be a prom to remember. OMG It’s Victoria!
MC: It’s over?
KW: Yep. That’s what credits mean.
OD: Did Radiohead authorize this? There should have been a Slumdog-esque dance number. BEST GAY WOLF ABSTINENT VAMPIRE MOVIE EVER!
Yeah, thanks Oscar. Be sure to check back for our wrap up video!