Brace yourselves, Bachelor fans. It seems there may have been ulterior motives at play during last night’s batsh*t Bachelor episode. 

As you’ll recall, Shawntel Newton, the mortician from Brad Womack’s season, showed up out of the blue and declared her vague and undying love for Ben Flajnik. I guess they talked once or twice, and that meant they were destined for each other. Not important. 

What’s important is that she was bold/courageous/desperate enough to waltz in and beg for a spot at the rose ceremony with Ben’s 15 other bride-candidates. And Ben was like, “Well, OK,” but then all the other women threatened to kill Shawntel or themselves if he gave her a rose, so he didn’t. (It’s called following your heart/your pants/the path of least resistance.) So Shawntel went home to her lonely mortician’s table, drowning in sadness and shame. And then the girl with the lip tattoo fainted. Twice. NOT IMPORTANT.

What’s important is that if you thought Shawntel was being a sincere crusader for destiny and dreams, you’re about to have your heart broken all over again, because it just so happens that the very same week she popped up on The Bachelor, she also announced that she’s releasing a memoir about being a lady mortician/being on The Bachelor (?) called The Final Rose. She didn’t come for love. She came to get her name back out there! (And look, it’s working.) So I guess Honda wasn’t the ONLY sneaky self-promoter last night. Which reminds me: Did you all write your leap lists/buy your new CRVs yet?

Shawntel, you drain people’s blood for a living. And you just drained my last ounce of hope. Now, enjoy more post-episode Bachelor bits:

Here’s what Ben had to say in his blog about his past non-“relationship” with Shawntel: “Shawntel and I had chatted a few times in between seasons and I thought she was an interesting, beautiful woman and she was right to assume that there was a connection. There was, but the timing was wrong. […] I knew if I kept Shawntel around I would lose all the credibility I had built with these women and it wouldn’t be easy to dig myself out of that hole. Let’s put it this way – if Shawntel had started the journey with the rest of the women it might have been different. […] I wasn’t about to jeopardize the rest of my experience in trying to find love. I do want to thank Shawntel though for coming. She gave up a lot to try this and I really respect her for it.” 

Chris Harrison’s EW blog reveals that Ben and Shawntel’s “connection” was forged in a romantic “dialogue via text.” He also says that Ben’s decision to appease the other women (and save his own ass) shows just how “serious” he is about finding love. 

You saw that Kasey Kahl got arrested over the weekend, right? If there’s one thing Bachelor Pad contestants are good at, it’s being drunk and disorderly. Also, his mug shot is better looking than his original Bachelorette contestant photo. So that’s amusing.

(Image courtesy of ABC)

Meghan Carlson

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

Meghan hails from Walla Walla, WA, the proud home of the world’s best sweet onions and Adam West, the original Batman. An avid grammarian and over-analyzer, you can usually find her thinking too hard about plot devices in favorites like The OfficeIt’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and How I Met Your Mother. In her spare time, Meghan enjoys drawing, shopping, trying to be funny (and often failing), and not understanding the whole Twilight thing. She’s got a BA in English and Studio Art from Whitman College, which makes her a professional arguer, daydreamer, and doodler.