Last week on America’s Next Top Model: Tyra threw the RULES out the WINDOW (into the DIRT where she threw her SHAME seven years ago and it grew into a CRAZINESS GARDEN!) and did away with casting week. The 14 finalists got psychologically tormented (oh, excuse me, I mean Punk’d) and then the Jays stuck them inside plastic bubbles and rolled them down an invisible runway over water while an audience watched them fall over and laughed. Business as (un)usual.
This week: More of the same! And by “same,” I mean “torture.” Balls are so last week. This week it’s all about BEES!!!!!!!
But first, let’s check in at the Model Mansion, where the models are probably discussing the subjective nature of aesthetic beauty and working on their posture, because this show is ELEVATED and PROFESSIONAL now. We know that, it’s official, because the words “ELEVATED” and PROFESSIONAL” and “TOP PHOTOGRAPHERS” have been added to the opening credits, in all caps, right before the part where the models dramatically stare at themselves in a bunch of funhouse mirrors like some dream sequence from a Labyrinth remake starring ballerina-robots instead of puppets. And oh my gosh, did you guys notice what else Tyra added to the credits?
I’m so glad I actually caught one of these rare special effect eye twinkles that Tyra added to the credits! It felt like seeing a shooting star! So, just in case, I wished on the magical eye twinkle, and I wished that Tyra would stop speaking in bad foreign accents for no reason. (Spoiler alert: It did not come true!)
The night of the first elimination, Molly looks at her winning shot and marvels at the fact that Nigel Barker called her sexy (yeah, girl! get it!) and then tells us she’s adopted. Meanwhile, Ondrei confides in Dominique that her two brothers both died in the past year, one in a car accident and one was murdered (ohhhh noooooo :(((((((( ), and Dominique does not show what you might call “supportive face”:
“I’m … here for you?”
Cool face, very supportive. The next morning, Tyra shows up in a yellow chef’s outfit (like Big Bird but sillier), speaking in a French accent for absolutely NO REASON other than because it’s Tyra. With her is her tiny nutritionist, Heather, who’s there to teach the girls about “Cheaties,” which is basically just a dumb word for “foods that taste good but aren’t horrifically unhealthy for you if you eat them in moderation.” Like, all those foods that aren’t fast or fried or just plain old candy. I think she invented them?
These foods are for when you want to indulge. And then right after that, you go back to throwing up. I mean, eating healthy.
Tyra and Heather conduct a blind “Cheaties” taste test that teaches the girls that eggplant parmesan is worse for you than spaghetti and meatballs, and that peanut butter is better for you than cream cheese. Even Tyra “learned something today” because she thought a fried eggplant covered in marinara was good for you because it’s a vegetable. “Live and learn, and then get a brain,” as they say.
It might be mental healthier not to speak in a terrible French accent for no reason. Just sayin’!
Monique thinks Tyra’s little speech about diligently restricting your diet is “empowering women.” Because maybe Monique doesn’t know what words mean?
After Tyra’s weekly “lesson,” Monique then decides she wants to start the indulgence right now and searches through the fridge for some snacks. But the only indulgence on the menu tonight is Unnecessary Drama. She and Dalya find a piece of frozen chicken in aluminum foil (and some red stew in a bowl? Or something like that? Literally who cares?) and Monique declares, “This is freakin’ nasty and this needs to get out of my face right now.” Uhhh, then maybe don’t touch it, because it’s raw and it’s not yours.
Dalya lectures Alexandria about freezer bags and Alexandria snaps back: “I don’t need you, Missy, getting in my face and tellin’ me how to wrap my f***ing chicken. I KNOW that! I COOK!” Meanwhile, Jaclyn makes this face:
“I’m a watcher. I don’t like to fight.” – Jaclyn, to whom I sincerely wish GOOD LUCK because she’s going to get eaten alive, poor thing.
Hahahaha, ooookay! This reminds me of two seasons ago when Alasia and Anslee (geez, this show and its “names,” I swear) got in a fight over frozen vegetables, except no one called someone else a bad mom. But otherwise it’s pretty much the same!
Challenge: ACTING THERAPY with Dr. Douchebag
For this week’s challenge, Nigel meets the girls at a tiny theater and says their job as models is to “emote” and “inspire” the consumer (to buy things that no one needs). To that end, he brings out an acting coach whom we will call Dr. Douchebag, because I didn’t catch his name and because he acted like such a pretentious douche about everything. Apparently the expression is actually, “Those who can, do. Those who can’t, grow a douchey beard and yell at teenagers about how they’re unlovable.”
I’m gonna help you HATE YOURSELF!
The task is for each girl to draw her “inner critic” and then confront that critic, played by Dr. Douchebag. Monique says, “I guess I’m critical when I’m PMSing a lot, because I feel like I’m fat, but other than that I’m a pretty confident person,” and I wish Monique would just stop saying things already, because she’s not very good at it.
Each of the girls takes turns saying “You’re good enough!” and “It’s OK you’re adopted!” and “You’re pretty, I swear!” to her critic who’s actually just her self-destructive brain, and Dr. Douchebag answers back with “No, you’re not!” and “You suck!” and “Everyone hates you!” until all of them start crying. These girls need to take a lesson from Charlie Sheen about how to cure their minds with magical warlock powers and start Winning. Meanwhile, Dr. Douchebag is VERY good at his job of making young women feel terrible about themselves. I hope they gave him a big bonus.
When Jaclyn gets up there and tells herself that she is beautiful even with a baby face, Alexandria starts laughing. Maybe because she’s a jerk, or maybe because Jaclyn’s inner critic has two heads and a bunch of storm clouds but also a rainbow:
“People tell you your voice is too high, but you can do anything you want to do!”
Except maybe be a painter. (No offense!)
Ondrei got up and started crying hysterically about her brothers, which was one of the most awful and heartbreaking things I’ve ever witnessed, and I couldn’t even process it in the context of this silly show. Poor Ondrei.
Then, as a reward for confronting their inner ugliness and curing their brains of insecurity and doubt, they each got a free pair of pretty, sparkly earrings! “I think we all deserve it, because we went through heck! I can’t wait to put them on with a beautiful dress,” says Jaclyn, who clearly learned a lot.
Photo Shoot: BEEEEEE-auty Shots with Mike Rosenthal
Jay Manuel meets the girls at Smashbox Studios and starts dropping hints about the shoot: “The fashion industry is constantly ABUZZ (WINK!) with new ideas and you’ll be working with some of the busiest bees (DOUBLE WINK!) in the business.” Finally he just spells it out: “I mean literally bees.”
Hahahaha, I’m already loving this. I can’t believe it took Tyra 16 cycles to get bees involved. The girls will wear jewelry covered in pheromones to attract the bees, and also pencil thin chola eyebrows and purple lipstick like that trashy goth chick we all knew in high school. FASHION!
Fashion, you guys.
Jaclyn is allergic to bees, but she’s got her priorities straight: She’ll get a good picture even if it KILLS her.
During the shoot, Jay says Sara doesn’t seem comfortable in her own skin, but maybe that’s because she’s worried bees are going to crawl into it. Nicole says, “I’m a strong person,” but she mistakes “strong” for “sleepy.” Hannah gets stressed out and starts crying, which ANGERS the bees (not really, but I wish), and she harnesses her tears for a sensitive shot. Monique says, “You’re pathetic. It really irritated me,” about Hannah, which in turn really irritates me. Paying it forward.
Also their noses and ears are plugged up so the bees don’t climb inside. FASHION!
Alexandria has “all these ideas in her head” that she hopes no one will steal, like sticking her arms out. Thank God no one else thought of it first! Molly is “giving intensity instead of feeling it,” whatever that means, while Dalya is doing something weird and bulgy with her eyeballs. Brittany is a “consummate professional,” says Jay.
Ondrei is just “going through the motions,” and clearly doesn’t give a care anymore. She thought she was Strong Enough, but she’s Not. The deaths of her brothers and the acting anger management session are weighing on her. If this was a Disney movie, the bees would gather in the shape of a heart and buzz her a song about overcoming adversity and fulfilling your dreams, but instead Jay Manuel sighs and says she is a disappointment. NICE ONE, JAY!
Later, at Model Mansion, Ondrei decides she wants to be here, but she’s not ready to be here since the tragic deaths of her brothers. She’s thinking about leaving. Monique says, “I feel like she should have known that before she even got here. Just go, we don’t want you taking up a spot when you don’t want it,” because apparently Monique is incapable of passing up an opportunity to sound like a callous jerk. Looks like somebody found her hidden talent besides modeling!
Judging Panel and Elimination
Tyra comes in looking all disheveled, and ALT wags his broom-hat in disapproval, but guuuurl, doesn’t he know she’s just such a busy lady that she has to get dressed at the judging table? Tyra’s a Modern Jetsetting Renaissance Woman!
Tonight’s guest judge is Alek Wek. Tyra explains the term “beauty shot” to the girls: “Beauty shot doesn’t mean beautiful. It just means a shot of yo’ face, AH-OKAY?”
Ondrei is up first, and she breaks the news to the panel: Her photo shoot didn’t go well because she doesn’t “feel right being here,” and she can’t handle it. She wants to go home. Tyra says, “We still have to evaluate your photo” (have to?!) and if Ondrei’s photo isn’t the worst, there will be an elimination. So goodbye Ondrei, stay strong, be brave, et cetera, says the panel.
Bye Ondrei! And probably bye someone else in a minute.
There are still a LOT of girls left, so, instead of recapping every boring detail, here are the quotable highlights from judging:
ALT on Kasia: “I’m always looking for the merge or conversion of fashion and art.”
Alek Wek on Mikaela: “You don’t even feel you have the bees on you.”
Tyra on Dominique: “When you don’t take control of your face, your face takes control of you.”
Tyra on Dalya: “Every picture of your eyes open, I was like, Oh my god.” (In a BAD way.)
Nigel on Alexandria: “Like an ice queen, but with the bees.”
Tyra on Alexandria: “If you’re gonna fly like Superman, honey, feel the wind in your eyes.”
ALT on Sara: “I don’t feel the impact of beauty.”
Tyra on Nicole: “I need you to think new born baby. Soften every bone in your face.” (Soften every bone in your face. THIS ONE IS MY FAVORITE, POSSIBLY EVER!)
Tyra on Hannah: “We are feeling your insides come to the outside.” (Gross!)
ALT on Monique: “You look like some fabulous woman of fabulous life of Shanghai fabulous Shanghai woman in fabulous Shanghai…” (or something equally nonsensical)
And now for the elimination! WILL someone get eliminated? The answer is… duh, yes, obviously.
But first, best photo goes to:
HANNAH, the weeper!
She won because she cried, but when she hands Hannah the photo, Tyra says “Now you just have to not cry next time.” Talk about mixed messages! The rest of the photos go to:
Jaclyn (“America’s Next Top … Dimpled Beauty!”)
Bottom Two: Nicole (who looks “like a teenager in person, and a teenager’s AUNTIE in photos”) and Dalya (whose one good shot was “an accident”)
Tyra breaks the news that, YES, one of them sucked more than Ondrei, and that person is… NOT Dalya. It’s Nicole.
Tyra tells Dalya, “We don’t like accidents. Accidents almost get you sent home.” Then she hugs Nicole and tells her to stop looking like a “baby in person and a mama in photos,” and to go home and practice softening her bones. Like just punch and crush them until they’re nice and soft, and then she’ll be a REAL MODEL!
Next Week: Makeovers, FINALLY! And a garden couture photo shoot in which Alexandria will apparently continue being unlikable like it’s her job.
Until then: Got questions for Ondrei or Nicole? I’m chatting with both tomorrow morning! What do you think of Ondrei’s surprise exit and Nicole’s elimation? How about this season’s early mean girls, Monique and Alexandria? What was up with Tyra’s French accent? Would you pose with bees on your face in the name of FASHION? Talk it out in those comments, y’all.
(Images courtesy of CW)