It’s the premiere of VH1 newest reality show, America’s Most Smartest Model. This show is designed to make you feel better about yourself. Ridiculously good looking people will be shown for the idiots that they are. Sixteen models (half men and half women) will answer trivia questions posed by Ben Stein. Let the mockery of hot models begin!
Ben Stein promises to prove that models are dumber than a box of rocks. Mary Alice Stephenson, a modeling guru, serves as host and says the competition is real, even if the show’s title is a joke. She talks about Stein’s many great accomplishments, then one model is awed because it’s the dude from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. The grand prize? $100,000.
Two models are getting kicked off right away. The models must strut the runway and explain their modeling and academic credentials. The Russian Andre gets off to a good start, forgetting Mary Alice’s name. He’s rocking the jacket with no shirt and goes on about all the languages he speaks, one for every pack in his abs. Slavco is next, and Andre mocks his choice to wear lip gloss. Slavco was previously on Kept with Jerry Hall, another VH1 reality show where he competed to be the boy toy of the aged supermodel, so the judges suspect he just wants to be a TV star.
There’s a lot to get as everyone is introduced. Many models talk about their college experience. Some graduated, and one is going for a PhD in psychology. Ben is impressed. The highlights include the Argentinian himbo Gaston, a dolt nicknamed Blonde Rachel, a dude named Pickel who has ADHD, and VJ, who claims his parents aren’t native Americans because they were born in California. Mary Alice calls (the only one who’s done nude modeling), Slavco and Jamie (who is orange) to the center. Ben supports Mandy Lynn’s web design abilities. The other two are eliminated.
The models get to move in to their posh home with pocket dictionaries to prepare them for tomorrow’s spelling bee competition. Andre is rooming with three girls, and when they ask if he snores, he says no, but he masturbates. Classy. The bathroom doors all have locks opened by trivia questions, which drives the models crazy. Andre and Gaston struggle to open the fridge with the year America celebrated its bicentennial times 100. The two foreigners have no clue.
Later in the hot tub, there’s a debate about who is more respectable, models or actors. Andre sings the praises models, going off on how they’re basically supermen who are better than everyone else, and he’s insane. Other people try talking about how modeling is easy as pie and they got lucky because they’re so good looking. Andre nearly pops a blood vessel. He’s a throwback to Rocky IV, and his thoughts on his fellow American models are best summed up by these four words: “I must break you.”
The male models rag on Gaston for not studying. I doubt whether he can even read English. Inside, the girls rag on Mandy Lynn for having nothing but hoochie clothes. At the competition, Ben Stein lays down the word “bifurcated” to make them feel like idiots. Challenge one is the Edge, and winning results in an advantage for the Callback, the second modeling challenge that gives the contestant immunity to the next round.
The first round is super easy, so they spell words like “blue” and “bikini.” Andre misspells “retardant” by making it “-ent,”which is an acceptable mistake in my mind. Gaston gets “nincompoop,” and Ben Stein awesomely talks down to him. He spells it “nincamboob.” Pickel inverts the “i” and “y” at the end of “electrolysis.” Victoria is way off on “emaciated,” and still doesn’t seem to understand what the word was.
The next round features designer names, and takes a bunch of models down. The best is Blonde Rachel going out by spelling “Tommy Hilfinger.” It gets down to Jesse and Daniel, who are both really impressing Ben Stein. Jesse correctly spells “psoriasis” while Daniel takes on “phosphorescence” and “Bacchanalian.” Heck, even I’m impressed, as some of those words could probably take out those twitchy freak kids from the official Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee. Jesse has to spell “Dionysian” to stay in it. He gets all messed up with “Dianicean.” Good job, Daniel. He gets the Edge envelope, which tells him to learn some types of dinosaurs.
Gaston is disgustingly hitting on women poorly, asking two chicks to rub their boobs together, then begging another to do porn. The Callback is a fashion show on the runway. Some of the models have no walking experience, so they get some pointers. Andre tries intimidating the others. Mandy Lynn is always a little sexpot, and Jesse is mocking her. He’s like the raging queen of the show, always making some catty comment about everyone else.
Before they begin walking, each model will be given a category and asked to name as many things in that category while walking. VJ gets U.S. states. He’s solid on the runway and gets a bunch of states, then goes with Memphis, Indianapolis and Seattle. Victoria gets non-U.S, cities, and is very thrown off, only naming a couple, mostly in Italy. Her walk was too much of a stroll and not impressive. Gaston has to name things that smell bad. After armpits, farts and socks, he goes for “dirty penis.” His walk sucked too, and when he goes backstage, he tells the other models not to say “dirty penis.” I think that’s pretty good advice for any situation.
Mandy Lynn has to name things that are round. She says “balls, cherries, balloons, tires,” then repeats those over and over again. They call her out for looking like a porn star again. Mary Alice is obsessed with dying her hair and removing all the make-up. We get a quick montage of some more, and Blonde Rachel is again the highlight, when her category is types of trees, and she goes for “umbrella tree.” Ben Stein calls her out, but the editors prove that an “umbrella tree” actually exists. Oh snap, she schooled Ben Stein! And me, for that matter.
Brett gets elements of the periodic table, and he does kind of well until he gets to “metal.” Still, the judges praise his walk as one of the best. Daniel uses the Edge and gets a lot of dinosaurs, but his outfit and walk are awful. Pickel isn’t too good, and they question if he wants to be an actor. He stammers with his ADHD, but eventually says no. Andre gets things in the sky, and after “sun, moon, stars,” he’s done. It really messes up his walk. He says he has lots of runway experience, but the judges hate it, and he gets offended by these idiot judges.
The winner is Brett, of course. It’s all in the scarf. Later two of the models will be purged. Jesse is all catty about Mary Alice commenting on how he’s a little overweight, and he is gonna go off if he’s eliminated. Mary Alice picks on Jesse’s weight again. Then she calls down the bottom three: Gaston, Mandy Lynn and Victoria. Ben Stein lays out a bunch of big words about how Gaston and Victoria are now vestigial bones. Mary Alice informs them they’re purged.
Mary Alice doesn’t think Mandy Lynn is America’s Most Smartest Model, but she thinks of her as a pet project. Ben Stein just likes her rack, according to Andre.
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of VH1)