For anyone who watched last night’s American Idol, I’ve got a question for you. So, the show kicks off and we see the requisite 10-15,000 prospective American Idols all gathered up. We get that “cool” panning shot that circles around the stadium, letting us know that, yeah, a lot of people turned out to audition. Last night, they gathered the crowd at the Rose Bowl. When Seacrest said this and I saw it with my own eyes, I thought, “Wait, where are the auditions with the judges going to be held?” Then, they announce Downtown Los Angeles (the worst major Downtown in the country, by the way) as the actual location for the tryouts. This is baffling. For those familiar with LA, you know that the Rose Bowl is in Pasadena, which can sometimes be as much as a 45-minute drive from Los Angeles. Did they bus people in from there to Downtown? Was American Idol just using stock footage because they wanted the Rose Bowl involved? Did they hold the initial tryouts and the judges auditions on different days? I’m guessing that some minor research would easily yield answers to these queries, but I’ve got better things to do. Like mock bad singers. A complete look at every featured contestant from last night’s American Idol is below:
“Eccentric”: Real name Martik, he’s a man who prides himself on his panther impersonation. This “impersonation” consists of doing the panther roar, followed by him swinging his arms like claws. He also writhes on the ground, crawls and generally makes an ass of himself. He says he is a singer/songwriter/author/rapper/dancer/choreographer, and that’s on top of being a panther impersonator. Although “Eccentric” may have been faking it, if he wasn’t, his act was as about as ridiculous as you can get. Barry White Look-a-Like: The best way to tell if someone is going to be good before they audition is this: if they seem relatively sane, than they’re usually pretty good. However, sometimes you get fooled. Barry White fooled me. Can I Stay? No, You Should Go: Marianna talked a big game, claiming that singing was in her blood, that she was meant to be a singer, blah blah blah. She decided to sing The Clash’s “Should I Stay or Should I Go”, and she churned out the double whammy: a terrible rendition of a terrible song choice. She begged, got on her knees, brought her mom in for sympathy, anything to try and change the judges mind. Pathetic. Alaina: How do you win over Simon? Be an attractive girl who isn’t an awful singer. Simple as that. Alaina was pretty good, a little different, but what really mattered (the only thing that mattered) was that Alaina was hot. She’s through to Hollywood. Pong Pham: Real name Phuong, but Simon mistakenly calls her Pong. A real goofball, possibly medicated, who tells a nonsensical sob story about her mother telling her that she’s not “TV pretty”, which is completely true. She fashions herself the female Taylor Hicks and is a poor singer while also being intolerably annoying. Backup Singer: Brandon Rogers has toured the world as a backup singer for Christina Aguilera, but now he wants some of that limelight. He’s got a great, smooth voice and I expect him to get far in the competition. Brian Miller, Again: This guy bowed out in Hollywood last year and wanted to give it another shot. He was all right, good voice, but a tad smarmy. Simon calls him forgettable, but Randy and Paula save him, send him to Hollywood. Old Guy, Sad Story: The “touching” moment of the night. This man had gotten a few hundred signatures for a petition so he could audition on American Idol in honor of his wife who was dying of cancer. She died three days before the audition. However, I don’t really understand why they chose American Idol as the best venue to honor her. She was also too old to audition. I don’t get it. The whole thing felt a bit exploitative, but the judges got into it. Sparkles and the Grill: This obese couple from Compton who met at a bus stop both showed up to tryout. Cavett (“Sparkles”) sang some suggestive song to Simon, tried to flirt with and made me vomit in my mouth. Darold (yes, Darold) tried to sing, but was hindered by a huge grill. Why he even thought he could sing is way beyond me. Eric Mueller, Psycho Killer: Some people just make you feel ill at ease; Eric Mueller was one of them. A little zoned out, cleanly but geek-ily dressed, frighteningly driven to sing, and utterly clueless, Eric scared the crap out of me. There is nothing that he could turn out to be (serial killer, cult leader, Scientologist, Uwe Boll fan, Vegemite lover) that would surprise me. And then, we were done. We have only one more audition episode of American Idol left, taking place in San Antonio. Personally, I’ve had enough of the auditions. They can be a lot of fun in the beginning, but they do get old quick. We’ll see you next week. -Oscar Dahl, BuddyTV Senior Writer

Oscar Dahl

Senior Writer, BuddyTV