The American Idol: Seattle Auditions will live in infamy. It seems to be the consensus worst audition location in American Idol history. Being a Seattle native and current resident, I am unsure of how to feel about this. There is talent here. Tons of important and popular bands and artists have come from this great city. We all know this. Why didn’t these people show up to audition, then? Self-importance. Any moderately talented Seattle musician likely believes that they are too good for American Idol. Depending on your outlook on like, this may be true. I certainly don’t hold it against anybody that didn’t audition. Another bothersome aspect of the episode was the general ugliness of the participants. We’re not LA or Miami, but we have our share of lookers. You’re just going to have to trust me on this. Anyway, let’s take a look at the notable auditions from last night.
Uncle Sam: We kick off the show with a very patriotic black man dressed up as Uncle Sam. It turns out he’s a cop in real life. It really just makes you feel safe, doesn’t it? Chin Fat Woman: This very spunky girl claimed that she would “deliver the hotness”. I was skeptical. She ended up, unfortunately, not bringing any form of hotness. She did sing a song by Tenderoni (I think) and she wouldn’t leave when done. And she kept singing. Excruciating. Single Mom: The first sob story of the night. It really is brutal when these sad stories end up being really bad singers. Platinum Blonde, Mumu-Wearing Whale: I can’t really explain this one better than I did last night. Here’s what I wrote: An obese, snaggle-toothed, platinum blonde monstrosity came accompanied by her mom. The two of them wrote a novella inspired by American Idol. Arrogant Fro: Tommy Daniels was the first one through to Hollywood from Seattle. He was damn good, with a deep soulful voice. Probably has the best chance of doing something in Hollywood from all the Seattle participants. Fishnet Arms: This girl had the most preposterously large, disproportionate arms I’ve ever seen. Huge, fat cannons. And she was awful. Beat Boxer: Maybe my favorite of the night. A really talented beat boxer who sings almost as well. He sang over his own beats, singing “Crazy” by Seal (I keep telling anyone who will listen: Seal is a vastly underrated artist. Seriously, scars and all. Hell, he’s impregnated Heidi Klum more than once. That’s got to be worth something.) Oh, and he made it to Hollywood. Indian Siblings: Their father born in India, this brother-sister combo was really good. The girl, 18, was cute with a good voice. The guy, 17, had a better voice but was abnormally shy. They both made it to Hollywood. Weirdest Mormon Dude Ever (and that’s saying something): With crazy eyes and a complete, unwavering aura of awkwardness, his rendition of “Unchained Melody” was baffling. So, so, so bad. This guy could be a serial killer. If you told me that he went on a multi-state killing spree, using a Tickle Me Elmo doll as a weapon, I would believe you on the spot. Rudy: He sang Journey’s “Open Arms”. If you have the gall to sing anything Steve Perry sang, you’ve got to be good. And Rudy was; he’s going to Hollywood. Crazy Eyes and Baby Huey: These two clueless weirdos bordered on sad. Both well-meaning and upbeat, they formed a bond while waiting in line. Simon said that the Crazy Eyes kid looked like one of those bug-eyed jungle animals. For comparison’s sake, here’s a picture of the kid: Here’s a picture of a jungle dwelling Aye-Aye: (Photo Courtesy of Drew Smith) Frighteningly similar, right? Baby Huey may have been mildly retarded, and I mean that in the most genuine way possible. The judges sensed this and were very kind and gracious after his well-meaning audition. Drunk Taylor Hicks: This guy obviously lost a bet. He showed up wasted and made an ass of himself. Security had to intervene when he approached Simon. Giant Girl: This girl, 6’7″ in heels, intimidated the judges into sending her to Hollywood. She performed a pretty good (loud) rendition of “Respect”. Jordan: This 16-year old girl had a great voice and a confident, engaging personality. She moves on to Hollywood. Big Red: With bright red hair and beard, this guy was completely insane. He claimed he wasn’t a big fan of the show and talked smack to the judges after they told him he sucked. Weird, crazy dude. The Seattle auditions were a complete abomination. We’re better than this, I swear. -Oscar Dahl, BuddyTV Senior Writer
Senior Writer, BuddyTV