You know what they say, “The best way to get over someone is to get under 25 someone elses.” As if dating isn’t awkward and stressful enough, imagine competing with 25 other women for a proposal from one hot guy. To make matters worse, all you know about this guy is what you have seen on television when he was competing with 25 men for a proposal from one hot girl.
Let’s go even further down the rabbit hole; this guy is now The Bachelor because said hot girl dumped him. He is a wounded bird, unsure if he’ll ever find love again. You know you are the one who can save him. You send in your application and audition tape. The producers like what they see. You receive the call, and now you are a contestant on the show.
The Bachelor mansion can be a pretty crazy place. You are one of 25 women with the same goal — get a ring on it. If you’re going to make it to the end, you’re going to need some help. Here are a few tips on surviving an emotional Bachelor mansion and ensuring you get that coveted rose at the end of the night.
1. Never Gossip without Having a Lookout
The bitch you’re talking about is always around the corner.
2. Your Story Is Tragic and Amazing
Reveal your tragic story at a strategic time. He’s losing interest in you? Your husband died. He’s pulling away? You’ve overcome a drug addiction. He spends more time with her? Just days before moving into the mansion you found out you were adopted. He will admire your ability to overcome the obstacles you’ve faced in your life. A tragic story is guaranteed to buy you another week in the mansion.
3. Have Some Self-Worth
You might be one of the lucky girls who gets picked for an overnight. Don’t use this time as an opportunity to lose your virginity. Remember, you’re on television. Your grandparents are probably even watching! But, if that’s your thing – go for it! Just don’t kiss and tell. That’s tacky.
4. Play it Close to the Vest
You need to walk a fine line between hard to get and saying yes to the dress. Don’t tell The Bachelor you’re falling for him. Chances are he just kissed someone 10 minutes ago, and if not – he’s going to kiss someone else 30 minutes from now. You are one fish in a large pond.
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5. Pull a Kelsey
Spend your downtime perfecting faking an anxiety attack. If you keep finding yourself on group dates then you should probably trust your instincts. Chances are the connection just isn’t there. The perfect anxiety attack needs to take place mere moments before a rose ceremony, or better yet — right before the final rose is to be handed out. What kind of heartless bastard sends home someone after they’ve experienced a medical emergency?
6. Your Name Isn’t Drunky Brewster
The champagne and wine are more than likely flowing. Dealing with catty women, gossip and drama will definitely drive you to drink. It’s okay to have a glass or two or three, but don’t get so wasted you start falling down the stairs or ugly crying in the bathroom.
7. Prep Your Parents
Since you’ve followed tips 1 through 6, there’s a strong probability you’ll make it to the hometowns portion of the show. You need to prep your parents before they meet the man of your dreams. Tell them they can show him your childhood photo album that’s full of pictures of you in oversized glasses, braces and crooked bangs. He can even watch that video of you lip syncing to Alanis Morissette’s entire “Jagged Little Pill” album, but for the love of God, do not let your mom hold a funeral for a bird on your hometown date.
8. Do Not Cry
9. Take a Psychological Selfie
If you thought the other girls would be ugly, but you aren’t seeing an ugly girl — then you are the ugly girl.
10. Make New Friends
Yeah, you’re in the house to meet your future husband, but that doesn’t make you can’t make new friends along the way. What if you don’t get along with any of your housemates? Don’t fret, take a page out of Onion Girl’s book and befriend the bushes and fruit trees in the courtyard. I’ll bet they won’t gossip about you behind your back.
11. Lie When It’s Appropriate
Of course, lasting relationships are built on a foundation of trust and honesty. I’m not suggesting you lie about everything. The only lie you need tell is the answer to the question “what’s your biggest fear?” If you answer that you’re afraid of snakes, then it’s guaranteed you’ll find yourself sharing a picnic lunch with the future Mr. You and a dozen cobras in the bottom of a snake pit. But if you play your cards right, and lie about your non-existent fear of heights, you’ll get to experience the most awesome hot air balloon ride ever.
12. There’s No ‘I’ in Love
There is an overwhelming urge to tell the Bachelor everything about yourself. He needs to know your backstory, hopes, dreams, strengths and weaknesses in order to know if you are a compatible partner. Be careful, though, don’t make every conversation about yourself. Being a good listener is also an attractive quality. So listen to what he is saying. If he reveals to you that he just lost two people very close to him in a tragic accident, then it’s probably not a good time to tell him you have body image issues regarding your cankles. He does not care. I’m sorry there’s no clear distinction between your calf and ankle, but people are dead. Have a heart and give the guy a hug!
In the interest of preserving any dignity you may have left, it’s probably best to just leave on your own. After your name is called to accept the rose, gently pull The Bachelor aside. Be honest with him. Let him know your heart just isn’t in it, and you don’t like the person the game has turned you into (or the person you’ve always been.)
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Following these simple rules will prolong your stay in The Bachelor mansion, as well as keep your sanity in tact. And hey, if you play your cards right when it’s all said and done you might even end up with your own parody twitter account like @BachelorOlivia.
Do you have any tips of your own you’d like to share? Post them in the comments below.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8pm on ABC.
(Image courtesy of ABC)