Heyooo, Bachelorette-lovin' babies! Hope you all had a great Memorial Day weekend. And what better way to cap off the holiday celebrating America's servicemen and women than two hours of a reality TV soap opera? This is freedom in action, my friends. The freedom to make bad choices when it comes to finding love AND finding something to watch.

Speaking of bad choices, we kick off with Chris Harrison talking to the guys, some of whom are making some terrible fashion choices. Michael is wearing his hair slicked half up like a Chinese gymnast, and Charlie is wearing an XXXXXL Osh Kosh B'Gosh t-shirt. It's all bright and stripy. Sorry, guys. But the way to convince a woman that you're right to raise her child is not to dress like a child.

First things first: Switching the show format from 30 minutes to an hour is a colossal mistake. Kim role-playing in different wigs, Kris' overworked freakouts and Rob taking Bruce for granted drags in the longer timeslot. Keeping Up with the Kardashians is easier as a sprint instead of this too-long marathon.

We get it, America's Got Talent, you have Howard Stern. Now let's see some talent! Nick Cannon is riding on a swamp boat, so we must be in Florida. How do we have the budget for this? Maybe they collect a dollar from everyone who shows up to audition, that would be good money.

The first audition of the night is an "urban glee club," called Inspire the Fire. They would be right for The Sing-Off, except they also dance! It was relatively underwhelming for me, in that neither the singing nor dancing was particularly exciting. But their message is positive, so we'll see them again in Las Vegas. Howard's style seems to be to say, "normally I hate [the type of act you're doing], but I loved this!"

Tonight, on Top Gear: the hosts get very cold and wet, Jeremy Clarkson reenacts the Battle of Britain, and there's a member of Blur in the Reasonably Priced Car. If you feel old after watching this episode, I don't blame you.

Star Challenge: Chopped Desserts
Even with this special 1.5 hour episode, there's no time to spare, so the FNS contestants are given their star challenge straight away with the ominous entrance of Scott Conant, Alex Guarnaschelli and Marc Murphy - the judges of Chopped, "the one show that scares the daylights out of me," according to Josh.

This week on Mad Men, Joan sells herself for Jaguar, Peggy leaves SCDP for a rival agency and Don is the moral voice of reason in almost every situation. Let that sink in for a second. Don Draper, voice of reason. You know a situation is really out of control when it grosses out Don Draper.