Tonight on WWE RAW MVP made a rookie mistake that even I'll admonish him for; Maryse spoke the language of love and unveiled a gem of dialogue; Vicki came up with a clever scheme to expose Santina's true identity but only succeeded in making things worse - Santina now plays for the other team; The Miz got John Cena in the ring, talked circles around him and walked out claiming victory; and a commercial was the most entertaining of the show. Yes, it was an ESPN-style documentary about Little Mac from Mike Tyson's Punch Out looking back at his prize fight with King Hippo. Read about the goodness - wrestling and otherwise - in my WWE RAW not-quite-live thoughts.


9:02 Randy Orton comes to the ring for the traditional opening monologue, and in a heel 101 tactical promo he ridicules the people at ringside. Vicki Guerrero has decreed that there's to be no physical contact between Batista and Orton from now to Judgment Day. Anyone want to take bets on how long into the show that lasts?

9:07 After he calls Batista out he offers Dave a spot in The Legacy as his Enforcer, comparing the deal to Ric Flair and Arn Anderson. Intriguing concept. Batista declines. In a rare, smart comment Batista says that Vicki won't cancel the Judgment Day main event at the last minute so he'll take his chances beating the stuffing out of Orton. And it lasted seven minutes. Vicki knows he's right so she says if he can beat Priceless in a handicap match he'll get a one on one with Orton. If he loses to Priceless he'll have to face all three members of the Legacy at once, just like Shane did last week before leaving on a stretcher. Blah blah blah. So in other words we have long, slow handicap matches, one of them the main event, and we have to sit through two Batista matches when one would have been plenty. Goody.

9:23 Cody Rhodes brings a steel chair into the ring. Batista is stupid enough to grab it and try to deck him with it in plain sight of the referee, once again proving that Batista is a really big, vein-laced, freaky dude who talks like he's got a mouthful of marbles and doesn't have a brain in his head. A big, dumb, drooling jock. I know. What do I really think, right? I think if he retired in the next year like he says he wants to it will be the best contribution he's ever made to the business.

9:26 More Star Wars collectible glasses ads from Burger King. I saw the movie opening day. It's uneven. The cast is rock solid from Kirk and Spock on down the list. It's paced so there's never a dull moment and it's fun from start to finish. But the plot has far too many moments where you're going, "Are you freaking kidding me? Whatever, dude."

9:29 Maryse speaks French at length and the fans boo the crap out of her. Then she translates - and this is absolutely wonderful writing. "If I wasn't Maryse I would want to be." It took me a second. Want to be what? Want to be Maryse. No joke. I kinda dig it and the French was hot. I don't know what those people are booing about.

9:34 Mickie and Kelly Kelly are fighting Maryse and Michelle McCool. Mickie does a flying straddle off the top turnbuckle, basically mounting Michelle McCool and pulling her legs back into what's either a beautiful variation on a pinning predicament or just a beautiful view of Michelle's backside. Mickie then plants Maryse with a rock n' roll DDT to pin the champ for the second week in a row. Can somebody say "This match should obviously be at Judgment Day but for some reason it isn't scheduled?" It's a mouthful, I know.

9:43 In a somewhat baffling moment Chavo wishes Vicki a happy mother's day and I'm sitting here going, "Was that a fat joke?" Because she does - I hate to say - look like she's been stashing the Ding Dongs. But no. Wait. She has kids. With Eddie. So that was meant seriously as a tribute to her and Eddie. But... Okay.

9:44 In another baffling moment Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole get in the ring with the microphones and run down the Judgment Day card over the PA. Well that... changed my view of the pay-per-view.

9:44 NOT!

9:45 Batista makes his own luck, taking out DiBiase backstage. So now it's down to two on one. Cody, you're so next.

9:49 Mr. Kennedy... Coming Soon to RAW.

9:50 Carlito takes on The Brian Kendrick. I love Kendrick's new look - a black leather jacket (sort of Hitman-esque) with Demolition style studs across the shoulders. It makes him look tough. Too bad he's a jobber. Err... Enhancement talent. Now there's a politically correct phrase for you. Carlito has new tights too, which I also like - midnight blue vinyl with orange and sky gray zigzag patterns. Kendrick wins - oddly enough - after drilling Carlito's shoulder into the post and rolling him up.

9:53 Kendrick promises he's going to find a great tag team partner and become one half of the tag team champions. Now that's shooting for the stars, TBK.

9:56 An ad for Sam Raimi's new movie Drag Me To Hell. This looks legitimately disturbing - like, Ring, The Grudge, lay in bed for an hour with your heart racing that night disturbing - but so cool. "This Friday even nice people can go to Hell."  I've always thought Alison Lohman was both a wonderful discovered actress and one of the hottest women in Hollywood.  I'm into it. Well, mostly her but it too.

10:00 At the top of the hour John Cena is headed to the ring to face The Miz with The Big Show seated like a sumo wrestler on top of the announce table. The Miz is still making fun of 12 Rounds. "I know people are making fun of your movie and all but in all fairness your rap album sucked too." The Miz is tearing it up. The man can jabber. "Because I'm The Miz.... And I'm awesome!"

10:05 Vicki interrupts the match, declaring it over. The Miz capitalizes with a spear and declares himself 3-0 over Cena.

10:08 I'm so over the Five Dollar Footlong ad campaign.

10:09 The Soprano's Silvio Dante says "Just when I thought I was out they pulled me back in." And it's an ad for a World of Warcraft expansion pack. Cute.


Next on WWE RAW: Santina Marella, The Miz, Punch Out, MVP, Kofi Kingston, Barack Obama, Wrestlemania 25 and more

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