Kane vs. CM Punk

5:42 CM Punk and Kane are next. I just saw a match an hour ago with Isaac Yankem DDS on WWE 24/7  as it happens . Yankem, if you don't know, was Kane's original gimmick playing Jerry Lawler's psychotic dentist in the WWF in the mid-90s. It's intriguing to see how he's gone from scrawny to bulky and chubby. He looks like he ate Isaac Yankem.

5:46 Standard match here. Exactly what you would expect whether they fought on RAW or pay-per-view. It's the kind of match you barely watch because nothing stands out. CM Punk is bland and Kane has been doing the same bits for an eternity now.

5:52 Kane wins with a choke slam after Punk gets overly aggressive and walks right into it. I have no idea what the point of that whole match was. It made Punk look weak without coming close to convincing me that Kane - who has been at the same stage of his career since the advent of the light bulb - is making a run for anything.

Time: 10 minutes
Winner: Kane
Verdict: *½ - This didn't work for me. It was the same old Kane match we've seen for years and I have no idea how anything is gained by Mr. Money in the Bank getting pinned by something of an old timer.

"I Quit" Match
Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy

5:54 Nice Hardy Boyz video package. I think Matt's promo skills are improving.

5:59 King makes an interesting observation I hadn't noticed. Jeff isn't wearing his face paint. In reality that probably means somebody screwed up, but King sells it well by saying it takes a long time to have that face paint put on. Jeff was so fired up he couldn't sit still for it.

6:01 A nice spot: Jeff throws his brother into the barrier. He sets the ring steps up, runs and springboards off of them to launch himself at Matt's face. Matt is selling well as usual tonight.

6:05 "I Quit" is the only gimmick match that involves dialogue audible to the audience. It adds something to hear Jeff verbally refusing to quit despite his pain. He screams "NO!" louder every time and it makes him look like a badass.

6:07 Matt is using the classic storytelling technique of breaking down the leg with stomps, leg drops to the groin and figure four leglocks, bow and arrow holds. Overall the holds are making the match look better but it's a double edged sword because they're also slowing the contest down from what fans expect from Matt and Jeff. I think they're worth it but this match has been anything but 'extreme' despite being - by definition as an "I Quit" match - no disqualification.

6:12 I'm feeling sleepy. I'm not sure that it's the match being boring, though, so much as my drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon and sitting back in a comfortable chair.

6:14 A chilling finish: Jeff brings the tables. He uses duct tape to hold Matt's ankles together and wraps him to the table with lots of rope. He ties it up, Matt bound to the table. This looks really cool. Matt looks like he's freaking out as Jeff gets the ladder. Jeff looks down sorrowfully at Matt, who begs him not to do it. Oddly the ladder is shorter than usual by a number of feet. Jeff climbs the ladder and Matt begs him to stop. "I love you. I love you, Jeff. We're brothers. A brother is the strongest bond you can ever have in the world. Don't listen to them. I've always told you don't listen to them. They get you in trouble. The Hardy Boyz - we can do it again. Mom wouldn't like this. She's looking down from Heaven and she wouldn't like this. Dad's sick at home. Jeff. Jeff. I quit! I quit!" Jeff starts to climb back down the ladder as the bell rings. Then he runs back up and puts Matt through the table anyway. Jeff's vengefulness  kind of bums me out.  I don't think fans did want to see him crush Matt anyway at that point.

Time: 20 minutes
Winner: Jeff Hardy
Verdict: **½ - The ending was emotional - although what emotion you felt depends on whether you read Matt as in the slightest bit serious about his regret. The match leading up to it was definitely a decent submission style match punctuated by TLC spots but it didn't steal the show.

6:20 Standard Randy Orton promo about Batista.

The Great Khali Courts Santina Marella

6:22 The Great Khali comes out. A dork is rocking out and dancing as he holds up a "Punjabi Playboy" sign. Ranjin Singh taunts Santina, telling her to prove she's a natural woman. Santina comes out in her crown and sash looking a little scared. "You know, there's nothing more I would like than to kiss The Great Khali but there's a reason I have not. You see, I'm not exactly who I say I am." Ranjin demands she explain. "You see, I've been trying to pass as something I'm not. A single girl. You see, I'm in love with another man. I have such strong feelings for this man that to kiss The Great Khali - it would betray everything I stand for." Ranjin asks who. "Uhh... Uhh... Uhh... Why it's J.R.!" Okay that's freaking funny. Jim Ross nods. "Ever since Wrestlemania JR has been courting me. He calls me his little slobbernocker. Jimmy, I love you so much that I could not kiss this man under any circumstances." Ross says he wouldn't either but he's happily married. Ranjin says Khali had no idea but he completely understands and he would never want to break up a happy couple. Khali says Santina no longer has to kiss him provided that she proves her love by kissing JR! JR shakes his head and promises that isn't going to happen. Michael Cole says, "Come on, Mister Barbeque Man!" Santina calls to JR. "Hi honey!" She laughs. "I think I'm going to faint. I feel the vapors." And............. Cue The Glamazon's music. She marches out. "That's it. That's enough. I've heard enough of this." She challenges Santina for her Miss Wrestlemania crown. She bosses the referee around and orders him to ring the bell. She tries to get through to Santina. "Khali, this is Santino! Khali! It's a man! This is a man! I don't understand what you're not understanding. Is that big cranium of yours full of rocks? Are all of the women in Punjab so damn ugly that you find that attractive?" Santina insists she's pretty. "Either that or you're the biggest idiot walking this Earth today." Khali drops Beth. She staggers and he knocks her over. Santina demands the referee ring the bell and then dives ontop of Beth for the win. Santina successfully defends his Miss Wrestlemania crown and dances on the top turnbuckle. The Great Khali sneaks up behind her, though, and she's trapped. He grabs her forcefully s she tries to run and rips her top off. Santina covers his man boobs and shrieks as though they were breasts, running for the dressing room with mock emberassment. Khali leaves with her top over his shoulders as a prize.

Time: 10 minutes
Verdict: The WWE's slapstick comedy is often embarrassingly bad but this was actually entertaining. Yes, it caters to the lowest common denominator but so do Will Ferrell movies. I still had fun.

6:33 Only half way through the show it's already time for the main events. They're obviously going to run long with a lot of junk on either side and the show is still only going to run two and a half hours. Why exactly is it that somebody who's over right now like Kofi Kingston couldn't have grabbed a ten minute match out of the next hour and a half?




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