'The Real Housewives of Orange County' Recap: A Bow for Any Other Name
'The Real Housewives of Orange County' Recap: A Bow for Any Other Name
Tamra got the ring, bitches! Now it's time to celebrate and share the good news with the rest of the gals, sans Vicki because of Brooks probably. And without Alexis because it's Alexis. Gretchen didn't get the ring, bitches, but she's OK with Tamra having one. She thinks it might be moving a bit fast, but Tamra isn't worried. On with the parties!

Meanwhile, Alexis and her fur vest meet with that awful crazyperson, Sara. They talk about the gang violence (emotional, Housewives related) in Costa Rica. Alexis has decided that Gretchen owes her an apology and should have had her back. "Can I use one word?" Sara offers, "jealousy." Oh yeah, that's it. Always. Then they discuss the main event for part 1 of this finale: Heather's name-change party. Sara invites herself, because she wants to be a new OC Housewife.

Heather DUBROW is having her first party. All-white furniture, orchids, flower arrangements, diamonds in champagne, oysters, the cake, everything. Heather doesn't love the cake--it's a little too ... whimsical. She just likes things the way she likes them, is that so wrong?

At the Casa Gunvalson, Vicki covers her face with makeup. She thinks Tamra is getting re-married too soon. Then Brooks shows up with a fur coat because ... he watched an episode of Mad Men? Vicki is delighted. "The guy can afford a fur ... shut up everyone," she says. Ew, though. Tonight will be the first time the ladies are gathered together since Costa Rica, and the first time Vicki will see Brianna since their fight. The perfect time to bring Brooks and a big, gaudy fur.

Tamra is confident that Heather's party, because Heather is fancy, will not have wine thrown. She fumes in the limo on the way over, because Vicki told her that she was moving too fast. Hypocrisy! We are still suspicious of Brooks! Everyone talks to everyone in their own limos on the way over. The tension is already high and they haven't even gotten in the same room yet. This is going to be good!

Heather is upset with Alexis, Alexis is upset with Gretchen (and Heather and everyone), Gretchen is upset with Alexis, Tamra is upset with Vicki, Vicki is upset with ... whatever. What I'm saying is that Vicki has a new mink coat and tensions is high.

True to expectation, the party IS fancy. Everyone's wearing their furs and no one wants to get wine on it. Heather is upset to see Sara, who looks "like she belongs in Vegas." Vicki shows up in her new fur that BROOKS TOTALLY BOUGHT, then Gretchen arrives in her new dress and fur coat, and Alexis pretends like there is no problem at all. After all that talk in the limo! But I'm sure Heather is glad the drama isn't starting right away.

Let's just get to the part where Sara eats part of the bow! But first some other drama. Tamra talks to her son about some of the Brooks drama but he doesn't care. Brianna shows up, and Vicki awkwardly asks to take a picture together. She compliments her daughter's dress, which she got for $20. Brooks could have bought that!

Sara has had quite a bit to drink, and has already stolen some finger food from the kitchen. She also stepped over the velvet rope to the bathroom, where Alexis told her that maybe she should slow down a bit on the booze. She looks duh-RUNK. Then Jeana shows up and I have no idea why. She heard there was a party?

As a joke, Jeana's daughter, Kara put a raincoat on to protect herself from Tamra. Tamra pinky-promises not to throw wine on her, and they have a seat by the fountain.

"I was in a bad place," Tamra explains. She starts crying, defending her case to Kara. They agree that they miss the families being friends. Everyone cries, and no one got wine on themselves, just in their hearts.

Heather and her friend Dina chit-chat about how well the party is going, and how excited Heather is for her champagne-diamond toast. "Do you like the cake?" Heather asks.

"I don't want to start any trouble but ..." Dina starts, and then reveals that Sara ("the girl with the red dress who was dating a sixty-year old or whatever") broke a piece of the bow off and ate it. "That is the rudest thing ever," Heather says, and storms toward the cake. She inspects the cake, then collects Tamra and Vicki to tell them what happened. It's HER Sweet Sixteen and she doesn't want anyone RUINING her SPECIAL DAY!

That is pretty rude, though. Stupid drunk people.

"Did you eat the bow?" Tamra asks Sara.
"I did eat it," Sara says drunkenly.
"Why did you eat the bow?"
"Because I wanted to." Sara says.

Alexis butts in, needlessly, as Heather is explaining that it's rude to eat someone's cake before they cut into it. "She's changing her name to my name, and that's on the cake, so that's sort of not cool," Terry says, like he's talking to a child. And he may as well be because her only defense is "I wanted to eat it." Oh, and she has "a sugar problem" and needed to eat something and couldn't find anything? Whatever.

Then Alexis tries to clear things up with "she didn't know it was going to hurt your feelings so much. I didn't even see what happened." Oh god. And this "sugar problem" is not a real thing for her, I don't think. Vicki says it's a "drinking problem" and Heather calls it a "rudeness problem."

It's a bunch of crap, and Alexis coming to anyone's aid isn't helping. She calls them fake, pretentious, stupid, and bullies.

"Go quiet yourself down and start over," Heather tells Sara. Then, "I am bored with this." Everyone is over-reacting, yeah, but why can't anyone successfully diffuse this? As the women keep drinking, the drama is To Be Continued ...

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(images courtesy of Bravo)

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