'True Blood' Recap: Meet the Authority
'True Blood' Recap: Meet the Authority
John Kubicek
John Kubicek
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
It's time to finally meet the Vampire Authority on True Blood. This week Bill and Eric get tortured and threatened with the true death, but luckily they have an ace up their sleeves. We also get to see vampire Tara running wild, Steve Newlin getting desperate and the cutest darn werewolf ever.

The Authority

Bill, Eric and Nora are brought to the Authority's secret underground lair and tortured. It's here we meet two members of the Authority. There's Salome (as in THE Salome) and Dieter, a creepy German who, naturally, loves torturing people.

Dieter provides some helpful exposition about the big theme of this season: religious fundamentalism. Before the Old and New Testaments, there was the Original Testament, the Vampire Bible, which says God created Lilith, the first vampire, in His own image, because God was a vampire. It also says humans were created as food for vampires and nothing more.

This is where there's a split. Some vampires (like the Authority) do not take the Vampire Bible literally and think that coexistence with humans is the way to go. Others (the Sanguinistas) believe in a literal interpretation of the Vampire Bible and want to herd humans like cattle. This allows the Guardian to ask questions like "Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Sanguinista Movement?" because True Blood likes to beat you over the head with the analogy.

Aside from Salome and Dieter, the chancellors of the Authority include a southern woman who believes in the death penalty, a calm and patient African and an overeager child. They're all led by the Guardian, played by Christopher Meloni with the kind of commanding presence the role requires.

The Guardian is about to kill Bill and Eric for all of their offenses (which are really all the offenses Marnie caused last season), but they play the trump card by revealing that Russell Edgington is still alive.

Obviously Russell, who enjoys ripping people's spines out on national TV, is a big problem for the mainstreaming cause, so the Authority agrees to give Bill and Eric a reprieve so they can serve as bait to lure Russell out so he can be killed for real. That might take some time, because we finally get to see Russell and he's pretty desiccated and still getting back into fighting shape by devouring humans.

Adventures in Vampire Babysitting

So Tara is a vampire. She bites Sookie, but Pam eventually stops it by ordering her not to attack Sookie or Lafayette. But then she tosses Tara into the house and runs away, because Pam has no real interest in being a mentoring Maker.

This leaves a crazed new vampire to tear up the house while Sookie and Lafayette try their hardest to deal with it. Sookie runs off to get some supplies at an anti-vampire preparedness store while Lafayette considers staking Tara because he's starting to regret turning her into something she hates. Thankfully Sookie stops him.

When the next night comes, Tara walks out and finally utters her first words as a vampire to Sookie and Lafayette: "I will never forgive either of you." And then she runs away.

A Brief History of Pam

The long-awaited Pam backstory is finally here, and it's so good that it's going to last for several episodes. We see a human Pam in San Francisco in 1905 and she's running a brothel. Unfortunately, her girls are getting eaten by vampires and she's not too happy about it. At night a man is about to kill her, but Eric rushes in to kill him first and save her. As he licks the blood off his fingers he's impressed that Pam is so calm about seeing a vampire.

How Much Is Jason's Butt Worth?

Reverend Steve Newlin stops by Jessica's house to negotiate a price for him to buy Jason as his own personal love monkey. He offers $10,000, but Jessica quickly gets him to double it by talking about Jason's rock-hard butt. If possible, it's even funnier than Steve's big scene last week. Ultimately Jessica refuses to sell Jason because he's her friend and she kicks Steve out of the house.

Andy and Jason: Police Cops

These two law enforcement officers find Debbie Pelt's abandoned car, thus beginning the inevitable police investigation into her disappearance. Later a kid walks into the station and starts punching Jason because Jason slept with his mom and now his parents are getting a divorce. I have absolutely no idea what the purpose of that scene is other than to establish what we already knew: Jason has slept with almost every single woman in Bon Temps.

The Littlest Werewolf

Since Alcide killed Marcus, he's supposed to be the new packmaster, but he has no interest in the role (or in eating Marcus). Marcus' mom, however has an interest in spending time with her granddaughter, Luna's kid Emma. Luna doesn't want her daughter to have anything to do with werewolves, but that's going to be a problem. That night we see that Emma has turned into a tiny werewolf baby, still in her pajamas, and it's the most adorable thing I've ever seen.

Terry and the Mystery of Who Cares

In a storyline so painfully boring that I wish it would just go away, Terry is freaking out over fire as he remembers a firefight in Iraq. Clearly something bad happened, and we find out that the one other living member of their squad, Private Eller, is living off the grid and Terry agrees to track him down with Patrick to see if he's responsible for the fires. This had better have some sort of amazing pay-off that is connected to vampires or werewolves or something, because right now it's a total waste of everyone's time.

Next week on True Blood: Tara learns to be a vampire, we learn more of Pam's history and Mac from Veronica Mars shows up.

(Image courtesy of HBO)