'True Blood' Recap: Violent Vamps and Jesus Camps (Page 4/4)
'True Blood' Recap: Violent Vamps and Jesus Camps (Page 4/4)
John Kubicek
John Kubicek
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
On the short bus to Jesus Camp, the prospective leaders sing songs and Jason makes a new friend in the equally hunky Luke MacDonald.  He's no relation to the fast food franchise, but Jason wonders if he's related to the farm.  Just when I thought Jason Stackhouse couldn't get any stupider he goes and says something like that.

Luke and Jason bond over their football backgrounds.  Luke was a tight end who hopes Jason's luck will rub off on him before asking if they want to bunk together at Jesus Camp.  Either my gaydar is on the fritz, or Luke wants to see more than the light, if you know what I mean.

Sarah Newlin welcomes the campers, and I can't decide if she's a dumb pageant girl too stupid to know that what she's saying is foolish (ie, the former Miss California) or is she pure evil and simply trying to trick these people into giving her money (ie Ann Coulter).

The campers then get down and dirty with some full-contact Capture the Flag, which doesn't seem particularly Christian.  Luke takes Jason down (but probably not the way he wanted to), so Jason pulls out his secret weapon: he takes his shirt off.  Much like Matthew McConaughey, shirts are Jason's Kryptonite.  The newly super-powered Jason takes down Luke, but I suspect Luke let himself get manhandled by the shirtless Jason.

After the horseplay, the campers enjoy a concert from a slutty Taylor Swif clone, singing about being a true Christian in the most whorish way possible.  Her song is "Jesus Asked Me Out Today," which sounds a lot like a title from Eric Cartman's Christian rock album.

Reverend Newlin comes on stage to host some role playing to teach the campers to deal with vampire sympathizers.  His wife Sarah plays the vamp lover while Jason will be "the good guy."  As expected, their little skit is as believable as the acting in The Secret Life of the American Teenager, and Sarah offers a twist when she acts like she really is a vampire.

Jason freaks out, grabs the American flag, snaps it in two, and threatens to stake her.  The audience cheers, but since he made his point by desecrating an American flag, I'm not sure I understand why.  That's a lot like hiring Chinese kids to manufacture Communion wafers.

That night Jason gets ready for bed by flossing in his dangerously low-riding pajama bottoms.  Luke shows up to stare and to question Jason's actions.  He objects to Jason using the American flag, calling him a "Muslim Buffy with a dick."  That's almost as funny as Jason thinking Moses was the one who walked on water.  Regardless, Jason is warned that day two will belong to "the Lukenator."  And by "day two," I can only assume he's referring to Jason's sweet man flesh..

Next week on True Blood: Something wicked this way comes.  And by something wicked, I mean a new kind of creature.  Also, Luke gets some competition for Jason's affection.

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-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer

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