'The X Factor' Recap: Introducing the Hot/Talent Scale
'The X Factor' Recap: Introducing the Hot/Talent Scale
John Kubicek
John Kubicek
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
On How I Met Your Mother, Barney Stinson invented the Hot/Crazy Scale. The hotter a woman is, the crazier she's allowed to be to justify having sex with her. The X Factor has something similar with guys.

I call it the Hot/Talent Scale. It's perfectly represented by a cosine curve, and it says that if you're really talented, you don't have to be that good-looking to be above the curve to move forward. But the hotter you are, the less talent you need to be above the line.

Here is an illustrated representation of this mathematical formula based on the fourth night of auditions of The X Factor season 3. As you see, Andrew is in the middle on the Talent line, but he's high enough in Hotness to move forward. Blake is even hotter, but he's so untalented that he falls below the line.

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Andrew Scholz

He's a high school student from the South who plays football. But he also does gymnastics, which is an odd combo. Simon Cowell has to spray Kelly Rowland with water to keep her calm. Is Kelly's entire role on this show to hit on 18-year-old boys? Because I think she's done it in every episode and it's not as cute as The X Factor seems to think it is.

The performance is completely mediocre, which makes him Colton Pack. The only difference is that Colton had a big, shiny belt buckle, tight shirt and sang a country song, so the judges preferred his mediocrity to Andrew's.

But while the female judges don't like him, Simon does. I think One Direction ruined Simon. Now, every time he sees an attractive teenage boy, all he thinks about is how easy it is to get tween girls to hand their money over. It doesn't matter if he can sing, Simon only cares about whether young girls will want to hang a poster of him in their lockers.

Demi Lovato correctly says "No," daring to go against Simon. Off with her head! Instead of a public scolding, Simon orders Andrew to sing another song, this time making it more country.

The second time around isn't much better, but it gets the job done, because now Demi has changed her mind and Andrew is moving forward. I can only assume that, during the second song, Simon sent Demi a picture of her dog with a gun to its head, demanding that she vote "Yes."

Why are there even four judges on this show if Simon is just going to get what he wants all the time? Demi, Kelly and Paulina Rubio have been relegated to being "Yes" Women, whose only job is to go along with whatever Simon decrees.

Blake Shankle

This instantly annoying d-bag claims people say he looks like Robin Thicke, Justin Bieber, David Beckham and Adam Levine. Yeah, he's hot, but he's too cocky about it. Since he's 19, Kelly busts out her cougar claws, but once he starts singing, everyone is turned off. He's the perfect representation of someone who rates highly on the Hotness scale, but so low on Talent that he fails to land above the line.

Ellona Santiago

This 16-year-old powerhouse just busts out with tons of attitude and confidence. She's a great performer, though her voice isn't really that strong. But it's nothing a little auto-tune in the studio couldn't make sound amazing.

Simon doesn't remember her at first, but she was actually in InTENsity, one of the groups that made it to the Top 12 back in season 1. Wait, you're allowed to come back as an individual even if you've made it to the Top 12 before? Does this mean someone like Drew Chadwick from Emblem3 can compete next year as a solo artist? Or could Rachel Crow and Diamond White team up as a duo?

Stone Martin

He's a 14-year-old boy with an awesome name. His voice is OK, a bit too soft, though I assume it will be changing in a year or two. Fourteen is too young for this kind of thing, especially since he looks 7. Plus, the audience reaction shots of women in their late teens and early 20s reaching their hands out and putting on their "O" faces is disturbing. He moves forward, because The X Factor is all about teens. By this rate, next season will feature a category called Over 20s.

Ashly Williams

First of all, this is not the actress Ashley Williams who played Ted's pastry chef girlfriend Victoria on How I Met Your Mother. She is, however, tonight's deeply sad, emotionally manipulative singer.

When Ashly was 14, her mother was murdered, and now she's singing for her. You had me at "murdered." If you need more emotional manipulation, she sings Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You." She's great, but it's impossible for me to judge anyone on this song. Does she sing it as well as Whitney did? Of course not, nobody can. But there's no denying she has some major talent.

The judges act like she's the most amazing vocalist in the history of the universe. Maybe she is, but I've seen so many great female singers on shows like The Voice and American Idol that she feels kind of familiar to me.

That does it for Night 4, with two more girls and two more boys. I feel like the groups are getting the cold shoulder this season in favor of a ton of teens.

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(Image courtesy of FOX)