'The Real Housewives of Orange County' Recap: The Green-eyed Monster
'The Real Housewives of Orange County' Recap: The Green-eyed Monster
Last time on The Real Housewives of Orange County, Tamra, Eddie, Vicki, and this Brooks character all got schwasted on a boat. And, as has been known to happen under the influence of tequila shots, they acted stupid and got into a fight. Tamra and Eddie exited the boat and sat on a bench before joining Vicki and Brooks (Vooks? Bricki?) for some dinner.

Tamra admitted that it was a stupid ploy for attention, and Eddie slurred that there was nothing between him and Vicki, and affirmed that Tamra did, in fact, put "another man's hand on your boob." This is the first time that I'm like, not cool, Eddie. You are not right in this instance, buddy.

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Meanwhile, Heather hates it when the waitstaff hands you a menu open. Her husband calls her "a 90 percenter" because 90% of the time she sends the food back! Hyuck hyuck! She tells her husband that she had a "nice" time at Vicki's kitschy Southern night, and would like to reciprocate by hosting an adult painting party to solidify her place as the new Housewife.

Tamra showed up to dinner and made it absolutely terrible. She broke into tears right away and explained to Vicki that she loves Eddie SO much that she doesn't want them touching. They are her two best friends and she does not want them TOUCHING, OK?! Then Tamra demanded to know of Brooks whether he was a tit man or an ass man. Someone cut them off!

Gretchen, Slade, and their fat dogs go for a walk. Gretchen's outfit is the most ridiculous Real Housewives outfit I have ever seen, and that is including some of the stuff Teresa has worn. white hot pants, knee-high pink tube socks, a hot pink turtleneck, and furry sneaker-boots. Who would even make those? They are terrible.

In more terrible/awesome news, Slade tells Gretchen that she has been asked to introduce some comedians at a stand-up comedy night, and they want HIM to do a set! SLADE DOING STAND-UP! "That doesn't make sense to me, have you ever done comedy before?" Gretchen asks. "Just in my real life," Slade shrugs. Terrible! I'm with Gretchen on this, it will be an epic disaster. Slade has out-douched himself this time.

The next day, heading back to/from? Catalina, Tamra and Eddie have the ability to acknowledge that alcohol was at fault. But Eddie is still harping on that another-man's-hand-on-your-boob thing. What a fun trip.

So, Heather is planning this cocktail/painting party and none of the girls get it. "What is a painting party?" they all ask. Poor Heather. It's not that hard, ladies. Apparently they would rather shop for sex toys, which is something we all understand! They would have loved Brandi Glanville's BJ party.

Heather and her carb-less menu are ready! In the limo ride on the way over (always with the limo ride), Alexis rips on Peggy some more to Gretchen. Can't she get over it? We have. Tamra feels sick still, so maybe it wasn't the tequila making her puke on the boat. "Are you pregnant?" they ask Tamra. "I don't do babies," Vicki states, "not at our age." Way to be a pal, Vicki.

Heather is just casually opening a restaurant, she mentions, with five other girlfriends. A pretentious restaurant for pretentious people to go in Orange County! The girls bring up the sex shop they went to, and Heather says it's not appropriate for married people to talk about what happens behind closed doors. I bet Alexis hated the way she just got slut-shamed.

Timree tells the women to don their aprons, and Vicki can't handle Tamra complimenting Gretchen's hair. Oh f**k off, Vicki and paint your damn shoe. Everyone's paintings look terrible, but Heather consoles herself with all the other things she is GREAT at. Alexis and Vicki got all jealous and mad about Gretchen and Tamra being friends, and then Alexis wanted to take credit for it. "We worked all year on this," she tells them.

Heather's husband Terry shows up on the scene, maybe to do a couple quick consultations? He tells the ladies about his surgeries that day (which Alexis didn't need to hear about because she already had that knowledge. She already knew his favorite procedure, apparently). Vicki's eyes lit up when he said "face lift."

Terry keeps making jokes about how terrible marriage is, and it makes Heather uncomfortable. She storms off to have a drink, which made things awkward when they weren't before. Brooks showed up, and then Timree brought out the paintings. They thought Vicki's was the best, but Tamra said Gretchen's was the best. They laughed about their new friendship, and it made Vicki freeze Tamra out at the end of the party.

Gretchen, who must be on some sort of automatic text alert thing, got "tons of messages all day" about Brooks. Supposedly Brooks is a deadbeat and hasn't paid child support/alimony. Slade, budding stand-up comic, says he doesn't do business with Vicki and Tamra. He says he will never trust or forgive Tamra. He can NOT FORGET. But the best part of the scene was definitely their old dogs, though.

I can't believe we have to wait until next week to see Slade's standup set! He's so over-confident!

(images courtesy of Bravo)

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